Chapter 70: DUAL CULTIVATION
THE VILLAGE HEAD'S "GOOD NEWS"
The old lady bustled around the fire pit, stirring a bubbling pot of fish soup that smelled like a swamp after rain.
Old Lady (beaming): "Good news, children! The village head is here to help you!"
(The door creaks open, revealing the village head—a hunched old man with a beard like a tangled fishing net. He clutches a string of fish that look suspiciously like they died of old age.)
Village Head (smiling toothlessly): "Heard about your troubles. Here, take these purple maple leaves—sell them to the caravan next week!"
Fang Yuan (instant waterworks): "Y-you're too kind, honored elder! sniff I'll name my firstborn after you!" (Dramatically wipes snot on sleeve.)
Bai Ning Bing (deadpan): "..." (Internally: This guy's acting could fool the heavens.)
Old Lady (whispering to Fang Yuan): "The village head and I… well, let's just say we had a past." (Winks conspiratorially.)
(Flashback reveals: Young village head as a lovesick farmer, pining after the old lady before getting scouted by a wandering Gu Master. Now he sneaks her fish like a guilty teenager.)
IRON BONE GU - PAIN ARC
Night. The Hut.
Fang Yuan sits cross-legged, clutching the Iron Bone Gu—a sinister-looking black bone that radiates "this will hurt like hell" energy.
Fang Yuan (grimacing): "Time to man up." (Activates Gu.)
(The Gu melts into liquid suffering, seeping into his bones. Cue:
Fang Yuan's veins bulging like angry snakes.
Sweat exploding from his pores like a squeezed sponge.
Teeth grinding loud enough to wake the dead.)*
Bai Ning Bing (watching impassively): "Hm. Only a whimper. Disappointing."
*(Fang Yuan's soul briefly leaves his body as the pain hits 11/10. He hallucinates:*
His skeleton tap-dancing in hell.
The old lady force-feeding him extra spicy fish soup forever.)
Fang Yuan (hoarse whisper): "Worth… it…" (Collapses like a ragdoll.)
Next Morning:
(Fang Yuan lies paralyzed, twitching occasionally. Bai Ning Bing pokes him with a stick.)
Bai Ning Bing: "You alive?"
Fang Yuan (weakly): "Define… alive…"
THE SUS MISUNDERSTANDING
Old Lady (barging into Bai Ning Bing's room): "Dearie, you were so loud last night!"
Bai Ning Bing (confused): "What?"
(The old lady gestures at the torn bedsheets and also does backshot movements—courtesy of Bai Ning Bing's pain-induced thrashing.)
Old Lady (winking): "Young love! But tone it down, eh? Walls are thin!"
Bai Ning Bing (horrified): "NO. WE WERE JUST—"
Old Lady (patting her hand): "Shh. Auntie understands. My third husband also had stamina like that."
(Bai Ning Bing's soul ascends to the heavens in cringe.)
Later, at Dinner:
(Fang Yuan enters to find the old lady whispering: "Be gentler with your wife!")
Fang Yuan (catching on instantly): "Ah. Ahem. My… bad?" (Notices Bai Ning Bing's murderous glare.)
(Bai Ning Bing stabs her sweet potato like it's Fang Yuan's face.)
CARAVAN ARRIVAL (SCAM MODE ACTIVATED)
Nine Days Later – Village Entrance
The caravan arrives like a mobile circus:
Giant beetles hauling cargo like UPS trucks.
Rainbow ostriches dragging carts (one accidentally eats a villager's hat).
Mountain spiders wrapped in parcels like cursed Christmas presents.
Villagers (gawking): "Lord Gu Masters are so cool!"
(Fang Yuan and Bai Ning Bing stand by their unsold purple maple leaves, radiating "pls adopt us" energy.)
Random Merchant (eyeing their cart): "Two primeval stones for that? HA! I'd rather buy air."
Fang Yuan (fake-sad): "Welp. Guess we'll starve." (Winks at Bai Ning Bing.)
(Cue villagers whispering: "Those outsiders are hopeless…")
Village Head (sighing): "Should've priced it at one stone…"
(Fang Yuan internally: "Exactly as planned.")
TWITCH CHAT REACTIONS:
💀 "Fang Yuan's pain face = 'I regret every life choice'."
🍿 "Bai Ning Bing's eternal suffering is my favorite subplot."
🐍 "Old lady shipping them is the best unintentional comedy."
🔥 "Caravan ostriches out here stealing hats like Skyrim chickens."
THE CARAVAN INFILTRATION
Dawn. Caravan Camp.
The caravan bustled like a Walmart on Black Friday:
Giant beetles farting clouds of black smoke as they loaded goods.
Rainbow ostriches pecking at servants who moved too slowly.
Chen Gu Master screaming at a underling: "Your snake ate THREE servants this week! Control your damn pet!"
(Cut to Fang Yuan and Bai Ning Bing dragging their cart of purple maple leaves, looking as suspicious as two raccoons in a bank.)
Old Village Head (whispering to Chen Gu Master): "These two are good kids, just a bit… simple."
Chen Gu Master (side-eyeing Fang Yuan's burnt nugget face): "Ugh. Fine. But if they cause trouble, I'm feeding them to the beetles."
(A messenger Gu Master runs in, waving papers like a madman.)
Messenger Gu Master: "NEW ARREST WARRANT! BAI CLAN WANTS THESE TWO DEMONS—" (shows sketch of Fang Yuan and Bai Ning Bing's former faces.)
Chen Gu Master (squinting at the poster): "Pfft. A rank one and a rank three? Bai Clan really fell off." (Tosses it aside without a second glance.)
(Fang Yuan and Bai Ning Bing, standing RIGHT THERE: 😐)
SERVANT POLITICS (MORTAL EDITION)
Caravan Interior – "Newbie Hazing" Arc
A group of veteran servants huddle like high school bullies:
Skinny Monkey (pointing): "Look at these fresh meats! They even brought a whole cart of leaves!"
Brother Qiang (cracking knuckles): "Time for the initiation ritual."
(Skinny Monkey swaggers up to Fang Yuan.)
Skinny Monkey: "Hey newbie, wanna be friends?" (Winks like a used car salesman.)
Fang Yuan: "Scram."
(Silence. Then—)
Fang Yuan (kicking him into the dirt): "I said SCRAM." (Stomps on his hand for emphasis.)
Brother Qiang's Gang (whispering): "Holy shit. This guy's built different."
(Later, Fang Yuan also yeets a beggar servant who dares ask for food. The mortal onlookers tremble in fear.)
Bai Ning Bing (raising a brow): "Since when did you care about acting?"
Fang Yuan (shrugging): "Sigma rule #69: Establish dominance early."
THE SHANG CLAN SAINT
Evening Bazaar – "Free Food" Chaos
(A commotion erupts as a green-robed girl enters with a basket of steamed buns.)
Starving Servants: "LADY ZHANG!!" (Mob forms instantly.)
(A grizzled Gu Master bodyguard SLAMS his sword down, silencing the crowd.)
Bodyguard: "LINE UP OR DIE."
(The servants instantly form a queue straighter than a ruler.)
Bai Ning Bing (watching Shang Xin Ci hand out buns): "Huh. A nice Shang clansman? That's like finding a vegetarian tiger."
Fang Yuan (face darkening): "That's not just any Shang clansman… That's Shang Xin Ci. WTF is she doing here!?"
TWITCH CHAT REACTIONS:
💀 "Fang Yuan kicking beggars like they're NPCs in a tutorial."
🍿 "Shang Xin Ci's vibe: 'I can fix him' energy."
🐍 "Chen Gu Master really said 'not my problem' to the arrest warrant 💀"
🔥 "Bai Ning Bing's face when Fang Yuan recognizes her: 'Oh no he's into her'."