Chapter 68: COOKING CHILDREN THEN DIPPING
BAI CLAN'S MALDING SPEEDRUN (AGAIN AS ALWAYS)
RUMBLE!
Bai Clan NPCs brute-forced through another bone wall like Kool-Aid Man, only to find—
Random NPC: "GYATT DAMN! ANOTHER DEAD END?!"
Tie Dao Ku (stroking chin like a philosopher): "Grey Bone Scholar was playing 4D chess—he set up FAKE HALLS to bamboozle loot goblins."
Bai Clan Leader (face darker than a Rank 5 Gu's aura): "SEARCH EVERY PATH! I WANT THOSE TWO DEMONIC TWERPS COOKED!"
Meanwhile, in the REAL Flesh Sac Secret Chamber:
Bai Sheng wakes up to a foot to the gut (Fang Yuan's wake-up call).
Bai Hua sobbing like a Disney princess in a horror movie.
Bai Ning Bing smirking like a villainess who just won the lottery.
Bai Sheng (glaring): "YOU—"
Bai Ning Bing (slapping him 3 times): "Shut it, NPC."
Fang Yuan (pinching Bai Hua's cheek like a doting uncle): "Cry again, and I'll yeet your tongue like a Fortnite item."
(Bai siblings instantly silent—Fang Yuan's rizz > fear Gu.)
RNG LOOTBOX SIMULATOR
Fang Yuan (smiling like a gacha addict): "Knock teeth. Get loot. Simple."
Bai Hua (first try): FOOTLESS BIRD GU (one-time escape ticket).
Fang Yuan (eyes glowing): "SKIBIDI TOILET SPEEDRUN BACK ON THE MENU!"
Bai Sheng (second try): JADE BONE GU (permanent sigma upgrade).
Bai Ning Bing (seething): "Bro got ice muscles, now he wants jade bones? HIM."
Bai Hua (third try): IRON BONE GU (discount jade bone).
Fang Yuan (side-eyeing Bai Ning Bing): "Wanna trade? Flesh-Bone Gu for this?"
Bai Ning Bing (malding): "Nah, I'd lose."
Bai Sheng (fourth try): UNLOCKS SECRET TUNNEL (plot armor activated).
Fang Yuan (nodding): "Kids got main character luck."
(They yeet into the tunnel, leaving laughing mouths behind.)
BONE PYRAMID ARC (FINAL BOSS?)
New Hall:
2 km² of pure sigma energy.
Bone pyramid in the center (no cap, just vibes).
Giant skull sculpture (looks like a lion-tiger hybrid on ketamine).
Fang Yuan (staring at skull): "Either this is the final loot, or we're about to get clapped."
Bai Ning Bing (cracking knuckles): "Let's find out."
(They ascend the pyramid like Pharaohs on a grindset.)
TWITCH CHAT REACTIONS:
💀 "Bai Clan out here playing hide-and-seek while Fang Yuan speedruns the dungeon."
🍿 "Bai Sheng's plot armor stronger than a Rank 6 Gu."
🐍 "Jade Bone Gu? More like 'me when the dentist says no cavities'."
🔥 "Fang Yuan's rizz so strong, even fate Gu bends to him."
THE SKULL PUZZLE
Fang Yuan & Bai Ning Bing stand before a giant lion-tiger skull sculpture, staring at the cryptic message carved into its fangs:
"Gemini with one mind, three spirits unite. Fated or not, do not be forceful..."
Bai Ning Bing (squinting): "Bro, this reads like a fortune cookie from a sketchy takeout place."
Fang Yuan (stroking chin): "It's a co-op puzzle. We need to sync our mind, palm, and eye—like a Gu Master trust fall."
(They place their hands on the skull's red gem eyes like it's a biometric scanner. Nothing happens.)
Bai Ning Bing (smirking): "Wow. Your 500 IQ plan flopped harder than a noob's first Gu refinement."
Fang Yuan (grumbling): "Tch. Must be a 'one mind' thing. Guess we're about as synchronized as two cats in a sack."
(Cue Bai Sheng & Bai Hua being yeeted awake again.)
Bai Sheng (groggy): "Evil thieves! I'll—"
Fang Yuan (grabbing their tiny hands): "Shhh. Time for child labor."
(The twins' hands touch the gems—BAM! The skull's jaw drops open like a broken vending machine, revealing coal, wood, and a scroll.)
Bai Ning Bing (staring): "…We risked our lives for camping supplies?"
THE "BONE FLESH UNITY" GU MANUAL (GRAY BONE SCHOLAR'S DIY FAIL)
Fang Yuan (reading scroll): "Ah. Gray Bone Scholar was a washed-up Gu scientist who couldn't crack the code to fast cultivation. His last idea? Bone Flesh Unity Gu—a duo-cultivation hack."
Bai Ning Bing (raising brow): "Sounds like Gu worm Tinder."
Key Points:
Needs two related Gu Masters (parent-child or twins).
Deeper bonds = better Gu quality (rom-com rules apply).
Gray Bone died mid-research, leaving this as his legacy L.
Fang Yuan (side-eyeing Bai siblings): "Perfect. These two plot-armored twins are basically premium lab rats."
Bai Sheng (panicking): "SISTER, RUN—"
Fang Yuan (grabbing them): "Nah. You're fuel now."
COOKING CHILDREN!!!
(Fang Yuan chucks the twins into the blue fire like they're marshmallows.)
Bai Hua (screaming): "MOTHER!!! WHERE'S MY PLOT ARMOR?!"
Bai Sheng (leaping out): "I'M NOT DYING LIKE A SIDE QUEST—"
Fang Yuan (kicking them back in): "STAY. This is your hero origin story."
(The twins melt like Walmart-brand candles, but the fire won't turn purple-red.)
Bai Ning Bing (grimacing): "Skill issue. They're not Gu Masters yet."
Fang Yuan (sighing): "Fine. Plan B." (Slices off his own flesh like it's sushi time.)
Bai Ning Bing (horrified): "BRO, YOU'RE UNHINGED—"
Fang Yuan (tossing flesh in): "Your turn. Chop chop."
(Bai Ning Bing uses a chainsaw centipede to saw her ice-muscle flesh. The fire turns purple-red—SUCCESS.)
Fang Yuan (grinning): "See? Teamwork."
(The skull clenches shut, rumbling like a angry washing machine. Then— BOOM! —it spits out two glowing Gu worms (one green, one red), fused like bestie bracelets.)
Fang Yuan (snatching them): "BONE FLESH UNITY GU—GET!"
(Uses Spring Autumn Rizz to insta-refine them.)
Bai Ning Bing (side-eyeing): "…We just committed arson and child sacrifice for a couple's Gu?"
Fang Yuan (deadpan): "Worth it."
(They dip as Bai Clan NPCs arrive, finding only tiny charred clothes.)
Bai Clan Leader (shrieking): "I HAVE A BAD FEELING WHERE ARE MY CHILDREN—"
Random Elder (whispering): "Pretty sure they're Gu ingredients now."
TWITCH CHAT REACTIONS:
💀 "Fang Yuan out here speedrunning war crimes."
🍿 "Bai siblings got isekai'd into a Gu worm 💀"
🐍 "Gray Bone Scholar's legacy: 'DIY or die trying'."
🔥 "Bai Ning Bing sawing her own arm off like it's Tuesday."
THE GREAT CLIFF YEET
Fang Yuan & Bai Ning Bing sprint through the tunnel like streamers running from a ban wave, finally spotting daylight.
Bai Ning Bing: "THE EXIT! WE'RE FRE—"
Bai Clan NPCs (appearing like jump-scares): "SIKE! YOU THOUGHT!"
Bai Clan Leader (malding harder than a League player): "WHERE ARE MY KIDS, YOU SKIBIDI TWERPS?!"
Fang Yuan (deadpan): "Oh, them? They're Gu ingredients now."
(Chaos ensues. Bai Clan Leader punches through canopy Gu like it's wet paper.)
Bai Ning Bing (spitting blood): "Bro, I'm OUT." (Jumps off cliff like a Fortnite noob.)
Fang Yuan (stealth scales Gu failing): "Skill issue." (Uses jumping grass to YEET after her.)
DIPPING
Bai Ning Bing (falling, existential crisis): "I'm gonna die a girl… but at least I'll be unrecognizable paste."
Fang Yuan (suddenly appearing on a bone bird): "Need a ride?"
Bai Ning Bing (grasping his hand): "BRO, YOU GOT A FOOTLESS BIRD?!"
Fang Yuan (grinning): "No legs, no problems. Sigma grindset."
(The bird nearly crashes into a panic-stricken ostrich—shaving its feathery butt clean off.)
Ostrich: (head in rock, butt bare to the world)
Bai Ning Bing (laughing hysterically): "THIS IS PEAK COMEDY!"
BAI CLAN'S MALDING FINALE (NEVER STOP MALDING)
Bai Clan NPCs (watching from cliff): "NO WAY THEY SURVIVED THAT!"
Tie Dao Ku (sighing): "Footless bird—10,000 miles a day. We're cooked."
Bai Zhan Wen (grandpa mode activated): "I'LL HUMAN TORCH THEIR ASSES!" (Turns into flaming Karen.)
(Aerial battle ensues—Fang Yuan dodges like a pro gamer, while Bai Zhan Wen flails like a Wii remote.)
Bai Clan NPCs (facepalming): "Bro's getting outplayed by a Rank 1?!"
Bai Zhan Wen (final cope): "FINE. SELF-DESTRUCT MODE!" (Explodes like a botched TikTok challenge.)
Fang Yuan (burnt to a crisp, still smirking): "Worth it." (Douses himself in milk spring like a spicy ramen challenge.)
Bai Ning Bing (staring at his disfigured face): "…You good?"
Fang Yuan (laughing): "Footless bird has no legs, only wings. Fly or die. No choice. Peak fiction."
(They ascend into the sunset, leaving Bai Clan in shambles.)
Bai Clan Leader (vomiting blood): "I'M CRASHING OUT—" (Faints dramatically.)
TWITCH CHAT REACTIONS:
💀 "Fang Yuan's cliff yeet was cleaner than my GPA."
🍿 "Bai Ning Bing laughing mid-freefall is mood."
🐍 "Human Torch Gu = Boomer's final mald."
🔥 "Ostrich got clipped for free 💀"