The first result pops up and points me to a Quora question. Not surprising that there are more men like me. I click on it and it takes me to a page with close to thirty-four answers. I begin scanning each result and I am surprised to see a wide variety of answers. One says it is okay to have feelings but asks them not to pursue it. Another says it is completely fine and urges them to chase after them. Another chastises them, telling them how bad their mother would have felt. Yet another answer has written down a Vedic chant to keep such thoughts in their heads, a classical Indian answer.
This unfortunately spurred more questions into my head. Same rephrased differently. 'Is it okay for a mother to have sexual feelings towards her son?' 'Is it illegal for mother and son to get into a relationship?' 'Which countries have legal incest laws?' etc.
I soon found myself on a subreddit calling itself, 'Incestuous Confessions.' Here I found myself in a treasure trove of stories about both mothers and sons having incestuous thoughts. I know most, if not all, are fake. But I can't help but feel like I am not alone in the world about this feeling.
I took a brief moment to think, and come to terms with my feelings before I began to pour out my thoughts into a Reddit post. It went something like this.
"I have feelings for my mother and I don't know what to do about it.
Ever since I remember, it has been just Mother and I. We are very lonely people and live in a closed space. Maybe it sounds like I am justifying my feelings, but it is the truth. Ever since I turned fifteen, the way I look at my mother has changed completely. She is a nice, sweet person. But she is also a really beautiful person and I lust after her. There is no other way of putting it. I want to fuck my Mom and I am not sure how I feel about it. The close space I live in has become hell as I can't maintain much space between her and me
Can someone please help me out here? Should I pursue this cause? Will destroy what I already have? Should I do it anyway?"
I quietly retreated as I anxiously waited for a few responses.
*____*
Close to three hours have passed. I checked back in and found twelve notifications. More importantly, I saw several messages from other users. I won't bog you down with all the replies, so let me to the one that mattered the most.
It was from a user named 'skyblue835' and it read something like this.
"Hi, I know the feeling you are going through right now. My son and I were in a similar situation as you. I too did not think about my son in that way, but he did. When he told me how he felt, I was angry, ashamed, and didn't feel good. But the more time I spent thinking, the more I understood that he was right. The world outside is stupid. You and I both know that they don't understand us. We can't let the rules of those people stop us. If your mother really loves you, she will understand and she will also love you back. I am saying this as a mother. Show her some love and see for yourself."
This message threw me for a loop. At first, I was dazed and confused but eventually, my heart began to sink and euphoria began to set in. My heart fluttered and I felt light on my feet. Everything I thought of was right and at that moment, I felt like I was king of the world.
Fuck!
There I go again. Thinking about things I do not want to be thinking about. Actually, correct that. Thinking about things I should not be thinking about. In all honesty, I love my mother. In ways more than a good son should be. I cannot honestly tell you what fucked up my head so hard that I developed genuine lust for my own mother. But, it is something I have grappled with for quite some time now. I don't remember when exactly it began or what even triggered it. Maybe I had it in me all along and I just didn't know. But things went from unnoticeable to bad real fast.
Fifteen-year-old me was grappling with a lot of issues at that time. Wanning friends list, increasing loneliness, and an insatiable level of porn addiction, and that is when I really began to notice my mother and her attributes.
No. No. No. No. No. I must not think about her that way. It is wrong. Especially for my mother, who is more innocent than a virgin woman. She has the soul of an angel. But that is where lies the dilemma. I am by every measure a demon whose sin is insatiable lust. Do I become a better man for the sake of my angel or leave behind her for my own pleasures? I cannot do both.
Once I completed high school, Mom, as usual, began looking to apply for college. However, I had other ambitions. I still remember the conversation that happened just a month ago.
*____*
'What do you mean? What else do you want to do?' she asked me. I could see the genuine concern on her face.
'I am not sure.' I replied. 'I just want one year off. To figure out where and what I want to do next,' I replied.
She fell silent. Curling her fingers and looking down in disappointment.
'As compensation, I will find myself a job,' I added on.
She looked back at me and said, 'Why do you want to work? Is what I bring home, not enough?'
'No! No.' I never really thought about it that way. 'Just a way for me to make up for the one-year break.'
She fell silent once again. This time seemingly lost in deep thought. I waited for her answer with bated breath. Each passing second felt like an eternity.
'Okay...' she finally said. 'You don't need find work or anything. Just make sure you figure things out fast.'
*____*
I lied to her, right in the face. I had no intention of going to college. The truth is that I was just buying some time. I just wanted to turn eighteen as fast as I could.
When I hit rock bottom a few years ago. I began to imagine a life where I could fully dive deep into lustful sensibilities, unchained from the world of expectations. It was then I began to dream about the life of pornstar.
I love porn. I have always loved porn. Sex is my life and any kind of art depicting it, is my place of worship. Yes, porn is art. And I want to be an artist.
Yes, my greatest desire in life is to be a pornstar and it is something I have thought a lot about. I could not express to you in words how disappointed I was when I learned the real-world picture of pornography. However, over the years I have come to terms with it and been preparing myself for such a life. You see to be a pornstar one has to consider two major factors.
Number one is the physical. Let's be honest here, porn is all about the looks. There is no place for consideration. You are either fuckable or niche. Lucky for me, I have the physical traits necessary to be a top dog. Let's start with every man's jewel, his penis. Father may have abandoned me, but if there is one thing I am thankful for, it is this nine-inch cock he gifted me. I will be real here, this nine-inch long, two-inch thick, chonky motherfucker has been pride. I stand at a massive six feet four inches tall and over the last few years built a titanic body for myself. Physically, I am fucking intimidating. The only place I lack is my brown skin color. I am not an idiot. I am well aware of the racism people of my color face even in an industry like porn. Nevertheless, I have to try to know if it is possible in the end.
Making porn is hard. Porn is art and so, it is a pale imitation of real life. As a male performer, I am well aware of the difficulty of doing porn. Sex is a physically intensive task and in porn, you need to keep at it for hours, thus needing a great amount of stamina. Which is why I have been developing it day in and out. The gym has been a place of worship for the past few years, helping me achieve my dream. But, physical stamina is just one part of it.
There is also the mental stamina or restraint. First, you need a long sex drive to be going at it for hours and hours. Next, you must get hard when the director wants you to. You must also stop when the director wants you to. You must cum when the camera is on you. All of this takes a toll on your mind and fuck up your sex life. This is why I have been doing my best to try and mimic these effects through start and stop masturbation. I know this sounds dumb but this is the best I can do until I get myself someone to do it with in real life.
So, that is where we are today. I have been non-stop masturbating in and out for a couple of days, keeping my ejaculation under control for all this time, only for sexy mommy to come in my dreams and fuck it all up! I am livid. But more importantly, I am stuck in a dilemma. Uncontrolled thoughts of mom have been pouring into my head and I am on the verge of falling into an endless thought train of how I would fuck her.
But I don't want to. I truly don't or at least I think so. Ever since high school ended, home life has been a nightmare. On one hand, I feel like I am free from the eyes of society, free to do what I want. But then on the other hand, it turns out, what I really want to do is fuck my mom really bad. This has strained our relationship harder than anything else. I simply cannot come to terms with the fact that this is what I truly desire and yet, unable to let go of this thought entirely, leaving me in a state of confused pandemonium. What this has ultimately done is forced me to stay as far away from her as possible, which would have been fine had she had someone else to look after her. She has no one but me.
Oh mother, what do I do? Do I truly become what I want to be, or bury my desire deep inside me, until they rot me from the inside? I need to make up my mind now, or else it will only lead to more destruction.