Deep within a hidden underground base, the air was heavy with silence and the faint smell of old parchment.
Black Zetsu sat alone at a stone desk, staring at a thick stack of intelligence reports. These were the results of White Zetsu and his team's efforts from the day before, the fruits of hours—possibly days—of intelligence-gathering across the ninja world.
With high hopes, Black Zetsu opened the first page.
His expression immediately stiffened.
"An old sow gave birth to twenty-one piglets in the middle of the night. Both mother and children are safe."
Black Zetsu's mouth twitched slightly. "What the hell is this?"
Was this supposed to be intelligence?
He tried to dismiss it and flipped to the next page. Surely this was just a one-off misreport.
But what greeted him was even more absurd:
"Widow Wang from the next village has been secretly in love with Zhang Mazi for years. Tonight, she plans to break into his house and throw herself at him."
Black Zetsu slammed the paper down on the desk. "Damn it! What is this nonsense?! Can this even be considered intelligence?!"
His voice echoed through the base, reverberating off the stone walls.
But he didn't stop. He kept flipping through the documents, hoping for something of actual use.
Page after page, his irritation grew.
"In the Land of Water, a group of old sows lined up to jump into a ditch."
"In the Land of Wind, the third son of the Fourth Kazekage, Rasa, is being bullied by the villagers."
Black Zetsu's face darkened like an incoming storm. His expression was full of disbelief and suppressed rage.
"These idiots! They spent an entire day gathering gossip, not intelligence! Useless, the lot of them!"
He massaged his temples, feeling a throbbing headache come on.
Out of four intelligence reports, only one—the one about the Kazekage's son—was even remotely interesting. But even that was of limited value. Who in the world would pay to know that the Kazekage's son was being picked on?
No one.
Black Zetsu couldn't help but question the wisdom of allowing White Zetsu to build an intelligence network. All this effort, all this manpower, and what he got in return was village gossip, barnyard news, and romantic drama between peasants.
Still, despite his frustration, something caught his attention.
"…why were those sows jumping into a ditch?"
His mind wandered for a second. Was it because the summer heat was unbearable? Maybe the sows were just looking to cool off in the muddy water?
He shook his head violently.
"No! Focus! What the hell am I thinking?"
He forced himself to refocus and continued flipping through the pages. Most of it was trash. But then—one piece of paper stopped him cold.
His eyes widened. He blinked twice, thinking he had misread it.
But no. It was real.
"Third Hokage Sarutobi Hiruzen was observed watching the women's bathhouse through a crystal ball in his office. During the scene, he became visibly aroused, and his nose began to bleed profusely. After hearing a noise from outside the office, he quickly cut off the image feed. Judging by the proficiency of his reaction, this is not his first time doing so…"
Black Zetsu's jaw dropped.
"What the… F**K! I didn't expect the Third Hokage to be such a pervert?!"
He rubbed his eyes and read it again, making sure he wasn't imagining things.
Nope. It was real.
The so-called "Professor of Ninjutsu," the noble Third Hokage, was secretly using a surveillance technique to spy on the women's bathhouse.
Black Zetsu couldn't believe it. It was too absurd—and yet, disturbingly plausible.
"The guy has always acted so noble… but he's actually that shameless?"
He kept reading, curiosity now overpowering his disgust.
The more he read, the more shocked he became.
"The guy is worse than I imagined!"
Black Zetsu leaned back, one hand on his hip, and began to laugh wildly. The sound echoed throughout the stone chamber.
"Hahaha! You old bastard! You didn't think someone would catch you in the act, did you?!"
His laughter echoed for a long time before fading away. When it finally stopped, his face was glowing with excitement. His hands rubbed together greedily.
"I can use this. This is gold."
He already had a plan forming in his mind.
This was no longer just a piece of intelligence. It was leverage. A blackmail opportunity. A chance to make a fortune.
"All I need to do is show this to the old pervert, and he'll pay me anything I want to keep it quiet!"
He was getting more and more excited.
"If he refuses, I'll release it to the entire ninja world. Let's see how he keeps his face then!"
Thinking of this, Black Zetsu couldn't sit still anymore. He gathered the report and sprinted toward the exit of the base, heading straight for Konoha Village.
Behind him, the incriminating intelligence fluttered from the stack and slowly fell to the floor.
It read:
> "Third Hokage Sarutobi Hiruzen was observed peeping into the women's bathhouse using a crystal ball. His nose bled from arousal. After being startled by noise from outside, he ended the projection instantly. Judging by the speed of his reaction, he is definitely a repeat offender…"
This document would be enough to destroy the Third Hokage's image forever.
Black Zetsu was thrilled.
Only now did he realize the true value of an intelligence network. It wasn't just about selling information to interested buyers. It was about blackmail, leverage, and control.
"The boss was right. Peter really is a genius. Just a few casual suggestions from him turned out to be this profitable!"
He thought of Peter with deep admiration. The man always seemed to be thinking ten steps ahead. Now, Black Zetsu respected him more than ever.
---
Konoha Village – Hokage's Office
Inside the brightly lit room, Sarutobi Hiruzen leaned forward, his eyes fixed intently on the crystal ball.
"This one's too small… not good."
He tilted his head, clearly scrutinizing something.
"This one's too old… starting to sag…"
Suddenly, something seemed to catch his attention. His face brightened, and he leaned in closer.
"Hehehe… This is so big… If I could touch it, I'd die without regrets…"
As he watched the images, a warm wetness began to trickle from his nose. Absentmindedly, he reached up and wiped it.
His fingers came away red.
"Huh? Nosebleed again?"
He sighed. "I really need to control myself."
Still, even as he fumbled around for a napkin, his eyes remained glued to the crystal ball.
At that moment, Black Zetsu arrived outside the window and caught a full view of what was happening inside.
He froze in place, stunned by what he saw.
He had been expecting some level of shamelessness—but this? This was next-level depravity.
He was just about to emerge from the shadows and confront Sarutobi Hiruzen when he heard footsteps approaching.
He stopped, quickly ducking back into hiding.
Bang!
The door burst open.
A man with a bandage over one eye strode in.
It was none other than the infamous scapegoat of Konoha—Shimura Danzō.
Of all the blame-worthy figures in the village, Danzo took the crown.
Whenever something went wrong in Konoha and no one could figure out who to blame, it was almost always attributed to Danzo.
If a jutsu mysteriously appeared? Probably created by Senju Tobirama.
If a tragedy occurred and no culprit could be found? Definitely Danzo.
He was the village's walking, talking excuse generator.
White Fang's suicide? Danzo.
Nagato turning evil? Danzo.
Hanzo betraying the Leaf? Danzo.
Minato and Kushina dying? Danzo.
Orochimaru's defection? Danzo.
Shisui falling to his death? Danzo.
The Uchiha Massacre? Danzo.
Kabuto going rogue? Also Danzo.
It reached a point where people joked that he would one day be known as the "5.5th Hokage," unofficially crowned as Konoha's Pot Kage—because everything got dumped on him like a pot taking the blame.
But even then, don't confuse "Pot Kage" with a real Kage.
Minato died sealing the Nine Tails.
Hiruzen died sealing Orochimaru's arms.
And the 5.5th Pot Kage? Well… in the future, he'd die trying to seal a bridge.