Chapter 2: Promotion Cards and Experience Cards
"If I told you I was just... dusting her off... would you believe me?"
Maruyama Qifeng pulled his hand back from the corpse and wiped it on his clothes, trying to look as innocent as possible. Which, given the circumstances, was about as effective as trying to explain why you were "just holding" someone else's wallet.
Kakashi's usually dead-fish expression actually showed a flicker of something—probably the ninja equivalent of "I'm calling the police."
Great. Just great. My first day on the job and I'm already labeled as the village necrophiliac.
Kakashi knew him from the Academy, though they'd never been close. Hard to be buddies with someone when you graduated in six months and they... didn't. But that wasn't the point. The point was that Kakashi, being a Chunin team leader, was a regular customer at this lovely establishment.
His teams had an impressive mission success rate. The survival rate, however... well, let's just say the morgue had a "frequent visitor" punch card with his name on it.
"Qifeng, you... ah... I understand," the medical ninja said, patting his shoulder with the kind of pity usually reserved for terminal patients.
Oh no. He thinks I've snapped.
"It's the stress, isn't it? Everyone copes differently. Some drink, some get violent, and you... well, yours is definitely unique."
What do you understand?! You understand NOTHING!
Maruyama wanted to scream. This was worse than being caught with browser history you couldn't explain.
"Anyway, Qifeng, the Hokage's ordered Kakashi here to retrieve his teammate's body for burial."
Back to business, thank god.
"Right. Got it."
The medical ninja patted his shoulder again—apparently, this was his default comfort gesture. "Just remember, Qifeng," he whispered conspiratorially, "the dead deserve respect."
Because clearly I'm one step away from starting a corpse collection hobby.
He leaned closer. "And if any families find out about your... habits... they'll beat you senseless."
Could this get any worse?
Maruyama rolled his eyes so hard he probably looked like a slot machine jackpot. The medical ninja left, apparently satisfied that he'd delivered the world's most awkward pep talk.
Now it was just him and Kakashi, staring at each other like two cats who'd both claimed the same cardboard box.
Kakashi was famous throughout the village—the genius ninja with the mysterious "50-50" win rate. But Maruyama was more interested in the burial location of Kakashi's father.
Konoha's White Fang should drop some seriously good loot, right?
"Let's just... follow procedure," Kakashi said, dropping a scroll like he was handling radioactive waste. He shot Maruyama another suspicious look before disappearing into the tent.
Can't say I blame him. If someone kept asking about my dead dad's grave, I'd be weirded out too.
Maruyama didn't bother explaining further. Let them think he was a corpse-fondling weirdo. Based on his new "hobby," he'd be dealing with dead bodies for the foreseeable future anyway. Protesting too much would just make it worse.
"I'm not a necrophiliac, I just have a magical corpse-looting system!" Yeah, that'll go over well.
The scroll had the Hokage's official seal—a martyrdom order. Fancy paperwork for "please dispose of dead ninja responsibly."
Half an hour later, Maruyama surveyed his now-depleted morgue with the disappointment of someone who'd just finished their favorite TV series.
All that's left are the white-tier corpses. It's like going from premium loot boxes back to the free starter pack.
He slumped into his chair, feeling oddly let down. The yellow and green corpses had been like Christmas morning. These white ones were more like getting socks.
Focus. Time to figure out what I actually got from my grave robbing—I mean, respectful corpse handling.
He ignored the earrings and underwear (seriously, what kind of loot system included lingerie?) and focused on the cards.
[Single Attribute Random +2 Enhancement Card]
Description: As a qualified Chunin, everything about him is worth learning.
Function: Randomly increase a single attribute by 2 points
Note: Believe me, you need more
Wow, even my system is roasting my stats. That's just insulting.
The card felt real in his hands—metallic, textured, with a raised "2" on the front. It looked like something you'd find in the world's most morbid trading card game.
Pokemon cards for corpse collectors. "Gotta loot 'em all!"
Following the system prompts, he activated the card. A spinning wheel appeared—like a game show, but instead of winning a car, he was gambling with his physical capabilities.
The wheel had six sections: Physical, Spiritual, Ninjutsu, Illusion, Control, and Seal. It spun with all the drama of a casino roulette wheel.
Come on, come on... literally anything but Illusion. My fantasy stat is already embarrassing enough.
The pointer stopped on "Physical."
[Taijustu +2!]
Heat exploded through his body like he'd just chugged the world's most intense energy drink. It flowed through his meridians, spread to every cell, and left him feeling like he could bench press a small building.
Holy shit, that feels amazing.
He flexed his arms experimentally. Definitely stronger. Lighter on his feet too. It was like upgrading from dial-up internet to fiber optic—everything just worked better.
His stats now showed Taijustu at 12 instead of 10. A 20% increase might not sound like much, but it felt incredible.
We really do need more of these. This is purely for survival purposes. Definitely not because it feels better than the best massage of my life. Nope. Totally professional reasons only.
The other prize was even more intriguing:
[Konoha Jonin Miura Ichigo Experience Card (Rare)]
Description: A very rare experience card that allows you to burst out abilities exceeding your physical limits
Function: Temporarily combines your attributes with card attributes to boost abilities, ninjutus, consciousness, etc.
Note: As a Jonin experience card, it's recommended to use before death
"Use before death." What kind of ominous disclaimer is that? Do I look like someone planning to die anytime soon?
Still, this was premium stuff. A temporary power boost that could potentially elevate him from "corpse janitor" to "actually competent ninja" in a pinch. Even if he couldn't reach full Jonin level, special Jonin seemed achievable.
My ultimate trump card. For when things get so bad that even the corpse collector needs to fight.
Because let's be real—nowhere on a battlefield was truly safe. Camps got raided, supply lines got hit, and corpse collectors were prime targets for intelligence gathering and bloodline theft.
Every village has corpse collectors, which means every village also has corpse stealers. It's like the world's most morbid version of capture the flag.
The survival rate for his profession was only slightly better than front-line combat troops. Which was to say, "not great, Bob."
At least it's peacetime. For now.
He looked around the morgue, shadows dancing in the candlelight like the world's creepiest nightclub.
Thank god there are no ghosts in the Naruto world. I'd probably die of a heart attack before any enemy could kill me.
But he had to admit—he was completely hooked on this corpse-looting game. Looking at these cold bodies, all he could think about was what they might drop.
I've become a loot goblin. A macabre loot goblin.
He wanted to try his luck with the remaining white-tier corpses, even if the rewards would be disappointing. But his daily limit was used up.
Like a mobile game with energy restrictions. "Wait 24 hours to fondle more corpses!" What has my life become?
Standing up with frustrated resignation, he locked the morgue with a chain thick enough to secure a motorcycle.
Can't have anyone stealing my precious dead people. That would be... ironic.
Grabbing an umbrella, he headed out into the night rain. Home sweet home—which was literally next door to the morgue.
Because of course the corpse collector lives next to his workplace. The real estate agent probably thought they were hilarious. "Great location! Walking distance to work! Quiet neighbors!"
At least the neighbors don't complain about loud music.