Kids Tell the Ugly Truth
Chapter Five: "You Broke Mom's Favorite Vase—Now What?"
Preface
No matter your age, facing the aftermath of breaking something important is a rite of passage. But how you handle it? That's where the generations get creative. Tonight, we're putting the classic "Uh-oh!" moment to the test—one scenario, four age groups, and a whole lot of ugly truth. Will they go government (by the rules), humanity (from the heart), cartel (break the rules), or Karen/Kevin (complain or deflect)? Or will they go full "CAR Tell Me"—fight or flight?
Show Introduction
[The set features a giant broken vase, a "guilt meter," and the spinning wheel. Tiffany enters with a broom and a magnifying glass.]
Tiffany Haddish (mock whisper):
"Welcome back to 'Kids Tell the Ugly Truth!' Tonight's scenario: You broke Mom's favorite vase. What do you do? We're getting the ugly truth from every generation—toddler, middle kid, preteen, and teenager. Let's see who's got the best plan…or the sneakiest!"
Scenario 5: You Broke Mom's Favorite Vase—Now What?
Tiffany:
"Alright, let's start with our youngest expert. Little one, you just heard a big crash. What now?"
Toddler (3-4 years old):
Government (CAE): "I tell Mommy I did it. Then I say sorry and give her my teddy bear."
Humanity (CAH): "I draw her a new vase with crayons. It's better than the old one!"
Cartel (CAR): "I hide the pieces under the couch. Shhh, don't tell Mommy!"
Karen/Kevin: "I say, 'It was the cat!' Even if we don't have a cat."
CAR Tell Me (Fight or Flight): "I run real fast to my room and hide under my blanket. Maybe she won't find me!"
Tiffany:
"Classic toddler move—blame the imaginary cat and hide with your teddy. Honestly, not a bad plan!"
Middle Kid (5-9 years old):
Government (CAE): "I make a sign that says 'No running in the house' and put it next to the vase pieces. Then I tell Mom I'm enforcing safety rules."
Humanity (CAH): "I try to glue it back together before she gets home. Maybe she won't notice…"
Cartel (CAR): "I sweep up the pieces and throw them in the trash. If no one sees, it never happened!"
Karen/Kevin: "I call my little brother and say he did it. Sorry, bro."
CAR Tell Me (Fight or Flight): "I confess, but only after I've hidden all the evidence. If she finds out, I say, 'I was just trying to clean up!'"
Tiffany:
"Middle kids with the glue and the cover-up—future lawyers, all of them."
Preteen (10-12 years old):
Government (CAE): "I make a PowerPoint presentation about why vases should be made of plastic."
Humanity (CAH): "I write Mom a note saying I'm sorry and promise to do extra chores to make up for it."
Cartel (CAR): "I offer my sibling a week of my dessert if they take the blame."
Karen/Kevin: "I start an argument about why we even have vases. 'It's just a dust collector, Mom!'"
CAR Tell Me (Fight or Flight): "I text Mom before she gets home: 'Something happened. Don't freak out!' Then I hide in my room with snacks."
Tiffany:
"Preteens—always ready with a PowerPoint and a snack stash. Respect."
Teenager (13-17 years old):
Government (CAE): "I Venmo Mom $5 and say, 'Sorry for the vase, here's a down payment on a new one.'"
Humanity (CAH): "I post a heartfelt apology on the family group chat and offer to go vase shopping with her."
Cartel (CAR): "I swap the broken vase with one from the neighbor's yard. Problem solved."
Karen/Kevin: "I say, 'It's not my fault, the floor was slippery!' and then spend the next hour in my room with headphones on."
CAR Tell Me (Fight or Flight): "I admit it if asked, but otherwise, I'm ghosting the living room for a week."
Tiffany:
"Teenagers—solving problems with Venmo and stealth mode. I see you! But swapping with the neighbor's vase? That's some Oceans Eleven energy right there."
Wildcard Round
Tiffany:
"Wildcard! What's the sneakiest thing you've ever done to get out of trouble?"
Toddler:
"I put my broccoli in my shoe so I didn't have to eat it."
Middle Kid:
"I told my sister the TV remote was magic and only I could use it."
Preteen:
"I changed the time on the microwave so I wouldn't get caught staying up late."
Teenager:
"I set my alarm for 2 a.m. to sneak snacks. Sorry, Mom."
Tiffany's Take
Tiffany:
"See, every generation's got their own style—some confess, some cover up, and some just Venmo their way out of trouble. The ugly truth? Kids are creative, and moms always know. So next time you hear a crash, just remember: blame the cat, make a PowerPoint, or moonwalk away—whatever your generation, you're in good company!"
End-of-Episode Credit
Tiffany (on screen):
"Thanks for coming clean with us on 'Kids Tell the Ugly Truth.' I'm Tiffany Haddish. For more laughs, wisdom, and maybe a few confession tips, visit tiffanyhaddish.com. See you next time—watch out for flying vases!"