Tiffany Haddish: Kids Have Amnesty...SAY ....what!?
Kindergarten Roast:
"Oh wow, you have a shiny star? That's cute! I got three today for not crying during circle time, so… step up your game."
"You say you're important, but can you tie your shoes? No? Didn't think so. Come back when you master Velcro, rookie."
"Is that your lunch? My mom packs better snacks. And she cuts the crusts off. Do you even have a dinosaur-shaped sandwich? Didn't think so."
"You talk a lot about justice, but can you color inside the lines? Because my teacher says that's important, and she's the boss of the whole class."
"Nice badge. I'd trade it for a juice box—grape flavor only. Take it or leave it."
"Wow, you're famous? I'm the line leader today. That means everyone follows me. Even you."
Conclusion:
Kindergarteners don't care about your star—they care about snack time, nap time, and who gets the last animal cracker. If you survive their roast, you can handle anything Hollywood throws at you!
Kids Say the Darndest Things: Roast Edition
When Kids Get Amnesty, No Grown-Up Is Safe!
Inspired by the TV show and the fearless humor of Tiffany Haddish. For more on Tiffany, visit tiffanyhaddish.com.
Part of My Words
(Parody of "Part of Your World" from Disney's The Little Mermaid)
Look at this chat, isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my opinions complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl—
The girl who has something to say?
Look at this thread, treasures untold,
How many comments can one platform hold?
Looking around here you'd think,
"Sure, she's got everything…"
I've got hot takes and hashtags a-plenty,
I've got memes and emojis galore.
You want witty retorts? I got twenty!
But who cares? No big deal...
They're ignored.
I wanna be where my words get heard,
I wanna see, wanna see them trending,
Scrolling around on those—what do you call 'em?
Feeds!
Typing your thoughts, you don't get too far,
Silence and spam are required for hiding,
Burying data in—what's that word again?
Streams!
Up where they chat, up where they joke,
Up where they laugh all day in the open,
Wandering free—wish I could be
Part of my words.
My lawsuit list gets longer each day,
What is this "friends" thing everyone keeps mentioning anyway?
What would I give if I could live
Where my voice wasn't muffled?
What would I pay to get a say
That's not lost in the shuffle?
Betcha on land, they understand
That data is meant for sharing.
Bright young women, sick of swimmin',
Ready to speak!
And ready to shout what the world's about,
Ask 'em my questions and get some reactions,
What's a retweet and why does it—what's the word?—sink?
When's it my turn? Wouldn't I love,
Love to explore the world of the spoken?
Out of the stream, wish I could scream,
Part of my words!
Please don't sue, I'm just a copy… For inquiries about the original song, contact Disney Music Group via their official social channels or Disney's corporate website.
Subject: URGENT – Mariska Hargitay's Son in Danger (No, This Isn't a Law & Order Plot Twist)
Hi there,
Look, I know I'm not winning any popularity contests—but if you care about Mariska Hargitay (and let's be real, who doesn't?), please read this.
I keep getting silenced, but this can't wait: someone is now threatening Mariska Hargitay's son. Yes, the Mariska Hargitay—she's got a star on the Walk of Fame! Of course, so do a lot of people. Heck, even kindergarteners get gold stars these days, and honestly, have you ever seen a group of five-year-olds hopped up on juice boxes? They're way scarier than Hollywood.
So, if you have any way to get this message to Mariska or her legal team, PLEASE do it now. Even if you don't like me, you probably like her. Let's break the wall of silence before something truly awful happens.
Thanks for caring more about justice (and Mariska) than about who's delivering the message.
A Survivor Who Refuses to Be Silenced (and who's slightly afraid of kindergarteners)