"Turns out… this is what it feels like to be adrift yet at peace…"
What a ridiculous mess. I don't even know why I chose to end my life like this. All I know is that back then, I was just too exhausted with this existence. My parents always forced me to study things I didn't like or want, even though my family and friends could be counted on one hand no matter how hard I tried to connect. Love? Every time, I was the one who got hurt, even when I hadn't done anything wrong. And whatever I'm doing now, no matter how it goes, it's all just meaningless nonsense, nothing more, nothing less…
Was it because I overthought everything to the point of killing myself like this?
Probably. People face more pressure than we can imagine.
Plus, I've done things that can't be undone, so the best way to fix it is to let it all wash away with me now.
Choosing to end it by jumping into the sea was just a spur-of-the-moment decision. I picked the tiny saltwater lake at Dragon Hill because I was too broke for grand ideas and didn't have much time to plan. I was tired of doing things I didn't like or want, tired of not being able to control my own fate, and tired of having no motivation to live decently anymore. If I kept living, what difference would it make? I'd just be a soulless corpse anyway…
"Thinking too much is pointless if we're going to die. Might as well take one last look around…"
There's nothing around me. Just water, the light shimmering down from the surface like city streetlights at night, and the blue-green of the lake pulling me to the bottom. Whatever. Why bother caring? I'm about to die anyway…
…
"Uh… where the hell is this? Doesn't look like hell or heaven…"
What hits my eyes is a windswept field of grass, warm sunlight, and an eerie silence that feels unnatural. I've seen something like this before, like the default wallpaper on old computers, but seeing it in person like this is kind of thrilling…
Wait a second. Does that mean this place is just something my mind cooked up before I died, or is it real? Whatever. The real question is what to do now. Sitting here staring at the scenery isn't exactly a brilliant plan. Walking around's no good either, as there's nothing to explore here. Just grass, nothing else.
Empty… just like my heart…
Time here feels like it's frozen. Even as I sit counting the seconds, the sun stays in the same spot, casting its warm light everywhere. The breeze gently sways the grass, and nothing else happens to spark any interest…
"Hell of boredom? That's a bit of a cruel punishment…"
- Hell isn't this peaceful.
Hearing that voice, I jolt and spin around to see if anyone else is here. A guy appears out of nowhere—slender, with black hair streaked with some white, a good-looking but melancholic face, and tired, sorrowful eyes hidden behind thick glasses. He's dressed weirdly: a hoodie, shorts, and no shoes or sandals. He's sitting next to me, one hand holding a sketchbook, the other a pencil, sketching the scenery with a distant gaze. He pauses and asks:
- Have you never noticed what's happening around you?
- What the… Who the hell are you?!
- Like I said, don't you pay attention to your surroundings? Who I am doesn't matter.
- What does that have to do with...
- It does. It shows me you're someone so immature you just run from problems, not caring what happens next, and so reckless you'd throw your life away so easily and boringly.
- Look, what's...
- This is your "subconscious," materialized by me into a "dimensional space." And right now, I'm taking the form of your "ideal self" in your mind. I know everything you're thinking. But enough about that. It's time to "fix things" and "start over."
- Bring me back to life?
- Impossible. If you were still alive in your original world, it'd be simpler. But in reality, your body's already cold. "Birth, aging, sickness, death" can't be reversed. There's a way, sure, but not here.
- Whatever. I don't care anymore…
Seeing my mood sour, he looks surprised but then smirks mysteriously, stands up, and opens a portal with just his hands, saying:
- Let me see you through the rest of this journey. The first few days on the other side might be tough, but it'll probably get better.
- Huh…?
Before I can finish, he kicks me straight into the portal, shouting as he closes it:
- Take my gift and live well, got it?!
- Gift my ass!!!
Realizing yelling is pointless, I shut up and let myself drift toward wherever this leads…
Looking around, it's like I'm floating through the cosmos - stars, gorgeous galaxies, and nebulae all around. It's beautiful...but...fake. If this was the real universe, I'd be suffocating or frozen by now. Instead, nothing. I'm still alive - or at least my soul is. That guy said my body's dead, so maybe it makes sense I don't feel anything.
After thinking so much, I feel tired and just want to sleep. Just close my eyes, let my mind rest, and drift into sweet dreams… I thought souls didn't sleep or eat, but after what I just went through, I guess I was wrong. Maybe even the future will prove me wrong too. I want to keep thinking, but I'm "tired," so I'll sleep. Figure it out when I wake up…
…
When I open my eyes, I'm met with a man holding a newborn and a frantic woman:
- Oh gods! Twins! This is bad, Your Grace!
- Kill it, - the man replies coldly.
Before the old hag can act, a young woman scoops me up and says with a mocking tone:
- Let it live. Killing it's too messy, and with a face like that, it's probably just a clueless kid.
That's not a calm face, lady. I really want to stab you right now.
…
Nearly five years have passed in this noble family.
I still haven't spoken a word. Not even a cry or whimper when I'm in pain. It's not that I don't want to, it's more like something's stopping me from making any sound. Reading and writing, though? That's been shockingly smooth. It was the same in my last life ; I was slow to talk, so I don't care much.
This family? Simply put, it's the Hinesburg ducal house, an ancient, prestigious lineage now fading like a sunset. Beyond the lavish mansion, sprawling gardens, and constant stream of visitors, they have a tradition of teaching magic to all their kids, whether they're heirs or not. But me? I get nothing. Everything - reading, writing, noble etiquette, I've had to teach myself.
The worst part? My parents in this life are like vultures, drowning in massive debt but still partying like there's no tomorrow. Plus, they and my older sister, born just minutes before me, treat me like a thorn in their side. They make me eat leftovers, blame me for everything even when I'm right or uninvolved, and even the servants treat me like dirt because I can't fight back or order them around.
This life, to be blunt, is even worse than my last one. Is this karma for my past mistakes?
Probably…
At least I have one maid who sticks around, though she occasionally steals from my already sparse room - a bracelet here, a few gemstones there. Unlike the other indifferent servants, she at least pats my head and apologizes for it, every time…
I also discovered I can see my own stats by flailing my arms to fend off my nasty sister. It's… like one of those cheap systems every generic isekai protagonist gets. Mine seems like a freebie, though, giving me nothing but a basic info panel…
「 [Name]: …
[Race]: Human
[Level]: 1
[Mana]: 30
[Skills]: Appraisal/Language Comprehension/Voice Mimicry
[Magic Type]: Shadow Magic {Special} (Locked)」
Pathetic… I'm reincarnated, and I don't even get a cool skill or anything special. Not even a name. Ugh… And what's the point of a voice mimicry skill when I can't even talk?
At least understanding what others say is a small blessing…
…
After my awful sister locked me in an abandoned study on the ground floor, I couldn't take it anymore. Why am I always the one oppressed, bullied, and tormented for no reason? Why is it always me?
Downstairs, there's a lavish birthday party I should've been part of, enjoying a few fleeting hours that were supposed to be mine…
Right now, I just want everything to disappear, everyone to die, so I can be alone on this so-called "birthday" of mine.
Do I have to keep enduring people stealing what's rightfully mine, in this life and the last?
Damn it, why is it always me?
『Conditions met to activate full system… Shadow Magic unlocked. Acquired skill: Shadow Enhancement. Acquired area skill: Shadow Explosion. Insufficient mana will be compensated by reducing the caster's lifespan. Initial skill activation and operation adjusted to the user's will. Mana intensity based on the user's current emotions.』
Focusing power into my hand, I'm shocked to see it turn black as night. It's heavy, dark, and cold, but somehow it warms my heart after so long, like it's shielding and protecting me. Maybe I've gone crazy…
『Shadow Enhancement activation protocol recorded.』
Crazy or not, what I need to do now is prove I exist. And of course, killing everything in sight is the fastest way I can think of.
With one blow, I smash through the floors of the third and second levels, crashing down to the first to crush everyone below. It works pretty well - quite a few people are pulped by the debris, and others are badly injured. But for some reason, I still want to keep killing, even though I don't really want to… Is this a side effect of this power?
No, it's just my pent-up emotions finally spilling out.
- Die… you… damn… bastards… All of you, die!!! Shadow Explosion!!!
With everything I've got, I unleash my power in a massive explosion, obliterating everything around me for three straight minutes until I collapse, exhausted…