The Kurosaki household is a disaster zone.
One wall lies in splinters, dust clouds hang in the air, and a massive, grotesque Normal Titan Hollow towers above the wreckage, its bone-white mask grinning like it just broke into the wrong anime.
Its soulless eyes lock onto Ichigo.
"RAAAHHHHH!!" it bellows, rattling the neighborhood.
"Oi, oi, oi! Why is a wall-breaking naked skinless freak invading my home like it's an all-you-can-eat parfait bar?!" Ichigo shouts, backing up, reaching instinctively for his wooden sword — which, of course, isn't here.
From across the room, Isshin — or rather, Katsura cosplaying as Isshin — springs into action.
"NO ONE HARMS MY FAMILY, NOT EVEN GIANT CREEPY NAKED MEN! THIS IS FOR EARTH'S FREEDOM—"
He lunges dramatically, brandishing a framed family photo like a weapon.
The Hollow swats him aside like a mosquito.
"Zuraaaaaaaaaa!!" Ichigo yells as Katsura crashes into the wall, slumping into unconsciousness with a signboard landing on his face reading 'It's not Zura, it's Isshin.'
The two Elisabese twins, aka Yuzu and Karin, panic.
One holds up a sign: 'WHAT IS THAT?!'
The other: 'I THINK I PEED A LITTLE.'
Even though they can't see the Hollow, the crushing spiritual pressure leaves them gasping, huddled together in fear.
"Stay there!" Ichigo shouts.
'What am I even saying? They literally have no idea what's happening!' he thinks.
Meanwhile, Misaka 10031, acting as Rukia, calmly flips her Soul Pager closed.
"Confirmed: Hostile identified. Initiating combat protocol."
"Would you stop narrating yourself?!"
Misaka doesn't answer. She darts forward with her zanpakutō, moving faster than any normal human should, slashing at the Hollow's thick ankle. The blade cuts through skin and bone, eliciting a furious howl.
"Impressive," Misaka states flatly.
The Hollow, however, is sturdier than anticipated. It swings a massive clawed hand at her. She dodges — mostly. A glancing blow sends her crashing into a cabinet full of limited edition Elizabeth merchandise.
Ichigo winces. "Ooh… that one's gonna leave a mark."
Misaka shakily rises, blood staining her sleeve.
"Analysis: Current condition sub-optimal."
"No kidding. And what the hell's going on?! Why is a giant Titan with a party mask attacking my family?!"
Misaka, panting slightly, explains in her signature deadpan.
"Your spiritual pressure. Too high. Acts as Hollow magnet. You are basically human parfait."
"…Is that bad?"
"Statistically fatal."
"Perfect."
The Hollow advances. Ichigo glances at his unconscious family, fear clenching his gut.
He glares at Misaka. "I don't care about your stats or analysis or whatever robot thing you're doing — how do I stop it?!"
Misaka hesitates, then grits her teeth.
"Only option: Transfer my Soul Reaper powers to you."
"What?! No way, lady! I don't even have my Lake Toya here!"
"Failure to comply equals death."
Ichigo glances at the Hollow looming over his sisters.
"…Fine. But if I die, I'm haunting you."
"Accepted."
She raises her zanpakutō.
"Wait, is this gonna hur—"
She plunges it into his chest.
SHUNK!
"AAAAARGH—!!"
A blinding burst of light explodes through the room. The Hollow recoils, snarling.
Ichigo's human body crumples to the floor, a weirdly realistic thud sound effect echoing for comedic effect.
When the light fades, standing in his place is Kurosaki Ichigo — or rather, Sakata Gintoki — now clad in the black kimono of a Soul Reaper.
And in his hand… a giant wooden sword.
A zanpakutō.
Its name flashes in glowing kanji over the screen: 'Zangetsu'
Underneath in tiny text: '(Actually Lake Toya)'
"…It's still my Lake Toya," Ichigo mutters.
The System dings.
[Host transformation complete. +10,000 Yen transferred to Yorozuya account.]
"Sweet. I mean — uh, time to slay evil!"
The Hollow, sensing this immense new power, roars and lunges.
Ichigo steps forward, zanpakutō in hand.
"Alright, big boy," he grins. "You picked the wrong filler episode to star in."
The scene freezes on his confident smirk, dramatic rock music kicking in.