The room was still dark when I felt the warmth of his breath brush against the shell of my ear.
Hey, Win whispered, his voice low and coaxing. Wake up.
His tone was soft but I didn't move. I heard him. But I stayed still, my eyes closed, my body stiff under the covers, pretending to sleep like I had so many times before. Because every time he woke me like this, it meant one thing another session, another appointment, another reminder that I was broken in his eyes.
He paused, then spoke again this time with more certainty. I know you're awake. And I know what you're thinking. There was a familiar firmness in his voice like he was already one step ahead of me. But that's not why I'm here.
I didn't turn to face him. My voice came out flat and tired. Then what do you want?
Get up, he said. We're going to the gym.
I blinked slowly, finally turning my head to look at him. His silhouette stood tall beside the bed, already dressed immaculately charcoal jacket perfectly pressed, hair slicked back like he hadn't slept at all. Of course, Win never looked unprepared. Not even at dawn.
The what? I asked, still trying to wrap my head around the change in script.
The gym, he repeated like I was slow to understand. You have a girlfriend now. And you're too soft too feminine. You need to start looking like a man.
For a moment, I just stared at him.
So this time, it wasn't about my sickness. It wasn't about being confused or emotionally unstable.
It was about appearance now. About how I didn't look the way a man should look. How he thought I should look.
Inside, I screamed. I wanted to cry out, Is there ever a day where I'm enough for you? But on the outside, I said nothing. I just sat up, forcing the sheets off my body. I dragged myself to the bathroom, ignoring the heaviness in my chest.
I showered in silence, the water washing over me like a thin curtain that couldn't shield me from his judgment.
By the time I stepped outside, he was waiting in the hallway, phone in hand, car keys already twirling between his fingers.
Everything always went according to his plan.
The gym felt like another punishment.
Win moved through the machines like a professional flawless posture, every rep was precise, his expression unreadable. I, on the other hand, struggled with everything. The weights felt too heavy, the machines too complicated, and my body too unwilling.
He watched me silently for a while. Then, as I fumbled again with a set of dumbbells, he said flatly, If you're not manly enough, your girlfriend will leave you.
I stopped, my hands tightening on the cold metal. She's not my girlfriend, I wanted to snap. But I didn't say anything.
I nodded, eyes on the floor, pretending to accept his version of me just like I always had.
Afterward, he drove us to a small café near the gym. My muscles ached, my shirt stuck to my skin, and my thoughts were spiraling. I slumped into the nearest chair, head spinning from exhaustion. Win, ever composed, stood up after placing our order.
I'll use the restroom, he said. Then he walked off.
He disappeared inside, leaving me alone for the first time that morning.
The moment of peace was short-lived.
Hey.
I looked up.
A man stood in front of me tall, striking, and sharply dressed. His confidence was effortless, his smile genuine in a way that felt unfamiliar. His presence alone made the air feel lighter.
Are you here with someone? He asked casually.
I blinked, surprised he even noticed me. Yeah, I replied.
He raised a brow. Your boyfriend?
The question caught me off guard. I let out a nervous laugh. No, just a friend.
He nodded, then turned to the counter. A moment later, he returned with a drink. Some fancy imported milkshake I didn't even recognize. He handed it to me like we'd known each other forever.
I accepted it without thinking.
I didn't even consider what Win would say.
We talked a little. He introduced himself James. The name suited him. When I checked his Instagram, I noticed the luxury. The collaborations. One of them stood out.
Have you worked with ChengTech? I asked.
Yeah, he said. Why?
My friend and I are doing a project with them too.
James smiled, his interest deepening. Really? That's cool.
Then Win returned everything froze.
I was smiling when he arrived, still mid-conversation. But the moment I saw his face, my smile fell.
He didn't ask who James was.
Didn't ask what we were talking about.
Didn't even glance at the drink in my hand.
He looked straight at me with that cold, condescending voice I'd come to hate, he said.
You're acting sick again.
I flinched like I'd been slapped.
He's just a friend, I said quickly. He came from the gym too. He just wanted to…
I don't think you'll ever be healed from this sickness of yours, Win interrupted, cutting me off like my words didn't matter.
James shifted in his seat, clearly uncomfortable, ready to say something in my defense.
But I gave him a small, pleading look.
It's okay, I said quietly.
Then I glanced at him and gave a discreet signal. I'll text you later.
And just like always I got up and followed Win.
When we got home, the silence was suffocating.
The kind that clung to your skin and sank into your bones.
The second we stepped through the door, Win kicked it shut behind us with a loud bang that made me jump.
He threw his keys onto the table, spun around, and growled, Who the hell was that guy?
I flinched, instinctively tightening my grip on my gym bag. I told you he was just someone from the gym. He came over to say hi and gave me a milkshake. That's all.
Just someone? Win snapped, his eyes narrowing like blades. You were laughing with him. Leaning in like you wanted his attention. Do you think I'm blind?
I stared at him, my chest rising and falling. Why do you always do this?
Do what? he demanded, his tone sharp, like he was daring me to say it.
Treat me like I'm broken, you keep calling me sick, you look at me like there's something wrong with me just because I like men.
His mouth tensed. I never said that.
You didn't have to, I shouted, stepping back from him. You drag me to therapists, to gyms, to places that are supposed to fix me. You keep saying I need to be manly that I need to change who I am just to be enough for you.
My voice was shaking now, the words tumbling out like they'd been caged too long. Why can't I just have friends? Why does every man I talk to suddenly mean I'm slipping back into your idea of 'sick'? Why do you keep humiliating me like I'm a burden? Like I embarrass you just by existing?
Win stared at me, his expression unreadable but that made it worse. That made it hurt more.
Because silence from him was always the loudest rejection.
I've tried, Win, I whispered, my voice barely hanging on. God, I've tried so hard to be what you want. I gave up parts of myself just to make you stop looking at me like I'm a mistake. But no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try it's never enough.
Tears stung the back of my eyes, but I didn't blink them away this time. I let them fall. I let him see every bit of it.
You keep punishing me for something I can't fix.
His expression faltered. He stepped forward. King, I didn't mean to.
Don't. I backed away from him so fast I nearly stumbled. Don't say you care now. Don't do that.
My voice cracked like something breaking. Not when you've made me feel like I'm less than human.
And with that, I turned and ran up the stairs, through the hallway, straight into my room.
I slammed the door behind me.
My fingers trembled as I locked it.
Then I slid down to the floor, my back pressed to the wood as my chest heaved. The sobs came hard and fast, no longer containable, no longer quiet. I buried my face in my hands and let it all pour out.
Everything I'd been holding in.
All the pain, all the shame, all the loneliness.
I wanted to disappear.
Because nothing hurts more than loving someone who keeps trying to erase who you are.