"Oh *come on*!" Feng Qin snapped to attention, clutching his chest like a Victorian maiden scandalized by an ankle sighting. "I'm not *that* kind of guy!"
Meanwhile, Zi Yuan shivered mid-meditation, her face paling as her hands flew to her suddenly drafty chest. *Wait a minute…where's my—* Her eyes shot open, darting around the cave. *No. No way. My silk lotus blossom under-robes! VANISHED?!*
Only three suspects here: herself, Feng Qin (an 8-year-old gremlin whose hobbies included stealing snacks and napping), and Lin San (a brooding swordsman who definitely owned a "Nice Guys Finish Last" hoodie). Zi Yuan's glare zeroed in on Lin San. *Obviously* it wasn't the literal child currently mimicking a Buddha statue. That left…*this creep!*
"You…*YOU*!" Zi Yuan's face turned tomato-red as she launched herself at Lin San, her slap echoing through the cave like a gunshot. "Give it BACK, you pervy raccoon!"
Lin San blinked, clutching his cheek. "Give what ba—*OW*! Why does everyone keep hitting me?!"
Feng Qin "woke up" with Oscar-worthy confusion. "Bro Lin! What'd you steal? A spiritual herb? A meat bun? Zi Yuan's left sandal?"
Zi Yuan stomped her foot, tears of rage wobbling. "It's—it's—*UGH*!" She fled into the night, leaving Lin San to nurse his cheek and his shattered reputation.
**Ding!**
**[System Notification:]**
*"Achievement Unlocked: 'Blame the Hero!' Successfully framed the Chosen One™ for lingerie theft. Reward: 500 Villain Points. Spend wisely—maybe on a better alibi?"*
Feng Qin fist-pumped internally. *Crisis averted!* Sure, the system kept giving him skills like "Silent Undressing Technique" and "Innocent Kitten Eyes," but hey, a villain's gotta work with what he's got.
—
Screams pierced the moonlight.
"Zi Yuan!" Lin San grabbed his sword, channeling his inner action hero. "We have to save her!"
"Save her? Pfft. I'll *race* you!" Feng Qin zoomed past him, his feet blurring like a caffeinated roadrunner. *Whoosh!* He leapt treetops like parkour on Red Bull, leaving Lin San choking on his dust.
"Since when can he *fly*?!" Lin San wheezed, watching Feng Qin glide through the air like a rogue kite.
—
Zi Yuan backpedaled from a beast straight out of a Syfy original movie—a saber-toothed tiger the size of a UPS truck, with fur like steel wool and fangs dripping drool.
"Back, you overgrown housecat!" She lobbed a fire talisman. It fizzled. *Great. My underwear's gone, and my magic's on strike.*
**ROAR!** The tiger pounced—
*Swoosh!* Feng Qin grabbed Zi Yuan's waist, backflipping them onto a branch as the tiger obliterated a tree below.
"My hero!" Zi Yuan breathed, clinging to him.
"Hero? Nah. Just here to steal the spotlight." Feng Qin winked.
Lin San arrived, sword raised. "Team up! We'll flank it like in *Avengers*!"
"Teamwork's for sidekicks!" Feng Qin unsheathed his sword, its blade humming with chaotic energy. "Eat this—**Dragon Slap Supreme**!"
*SLASH!* A golden dragon-shaped beam smacked the tiger, carving a glowing gash across its side. The beast howled, now 200% angrier.
"You just made it *mad*!" Lin San facepalmed.
"Mad? Let's make it *furious*!" Feng Qin spun, chanting like a hypebeast rapper: "**Big威天龙, Buddha's WiFi密码…uh, whatever!**"
The sky darkened. A divine dragon materialized, wearing sunglasses and chewing cosmic bubblegum. It high-fived Feng Qin's sword, channeling enough light to blind a stadium.
"**BYE, FELICIA!**" Feng Qin swung.
**BOOM!** The tiger disintegrated into sparkly pixels, leaving a crater and a single floating tooth.
**[System:]*** "+1000 Exp! Loot: 'Saberfang's Molar' (Can trade for 50 silver at sketchy pawn shops)."*
Zi Yuan stared, torn between awe and suspicion. "How…how'd you even *do* that?!"
Feng Qin struck a pose. "Skill. Swag. And a *dash* of cheating."
Lin San squinted. "That dragon called you 'dude.' Since when do divine beasts speak surfer?"
"Localization error." Feng Qin shrugged. "C'mon, let's loot its den! I call dibs on the shiny stuff!"
As they wandered off, Zi Yuan side-eyed Lin San. "You're *still* a creep."
"I didn't even—*sigh*." Lin San trudged behind them, his life now a permanent meme.
**---**