You ever punch a drone so hard it glitches out, calls you its father, then explodes into free Wi-Fi?
Because I just did.
And honestly… I'm scared of myself right now.
Let's rewind a few seconds.
Three drones hovered in front of me, blades glowing, engines growling. Their metal exteriors looked like death traps that someone upgraded with hate.
"TARGET LOCKED.""UNREGISTERED ASHEN CORE DETECTED.""EXTERMINATION PROTOCOL: HUMILIATION."
"Wow, they even have a roast setting," I muttered.
"You got this, Kaz," Half-Dead Laughter said in my head, way too cheerful. "Just tap into me, channel your willpower, unleash comedic vengeance!"
"That's not a real thing!"
"It is now. Try shouting something dumb. Power always works better with style."
The drones surged forward. I panicked and yelled the first thing that came to mind.
"YO MAMA'S SO FAT SHE HAS HER OWN GRAVITY FIELD!"
A shockwave burst from my speaker-arm. The nearest drone was flung backwards like a paper cup in a hurricane. It spun midair, sparked violently, then exploded in a burst of confetti.
Confetti?
"I customized that.""Why?""Style."
The remaining two drones weren't impressed. They split formation, circling like vultures that majored in murder.
I rolled sideways just as one of them fired a plasma blade from its arm. The energy blast scorched a deep line through the metal floor, barely missing my foot.
I panted, ducking behind a rusted junk pile.
"Okay. So. I can shoot jokes. Cool. But is there a dodge button?!"
"Nah. But if you tell a really bad pun, I might give you a shield."
I groaned. "You're gonna get me killed."
"I've been dead before. It's not that bad. But yeah—try the pun thing. Trust me."
The drone loomed above me now. Its mono-eye glowed red. Plasma cannon whined.
Think fast, Kaz. Think dumb.
"WHAT DO YOU CALL A FISH WITH NO EYES?"
"...Not now, man—"
"FSHHHHHHHH."
A spherical shield popped into place just in time to absorb the blast. I screamed. The Core laughed.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WORKED," it cackled.
"NEITHER CAN I!"
We fought like that for the next minute—me, spitting puns and bad pickup lines like they were magic spells, and Half-Dead Laughter converting them into physics-breaking powers. By the end of it, the junkyard looked like someone had played dodgeball with nukes.
One drone launched a sonic slicer. I yelled, "I'M TOO HANDSOME TO DIE!"
Boom—counterwave activated. Drone exploded.
Last one charged me head-on.
I gritted my teeth, jumped, and roared: "YOU BROUGHT A LASER TO A JOKE FIGHT!"
My fist slammed into its face with enough force to turn time into a suggestion.
The drone convulsed, sputtered something about "motherboard errors," then dropped like a drunk bird.
I stood there panting, covered in soot, hair crackling with energy. Somewhere in the background, a car alarm went off. And I hadn't seen a car in this city in years.
"Well," Half-Dead Laughter said smugly, "that was... hilarious."
"I almost died six times."
"Yeah. But you looked awesome doing it."
That's when the real problem arrived.
I felt it before I saw it—a pressure in the air, like someone had dialed gravity up to 'go cry in a corner.' My chest tightened. The Core went silent.
Then she descended.
Clad in sleek black armor with glowing red trim, she looked like someone who read the words "lethal elegance" and decided to cosplay it full-time. Her visor scanned the wreckage. She didn't say a word.
Her boots touched down with barely a whisper.
"Target: Core Class 7.""Host: Kaz Vale.""Threat Level: Comic Relief."
"HEY!"
"Run," Half-Dead Laughter whispered.
I blinked. "What?"
"RUN, FUNNY BOY. SHE'S GOT A CORE TOO."
And then she moved.
No dramatic windup. No warning. Just pure motion. One second, she was twenty meters away. The next, her palm was in my gut.
My body folded in half. I flew backward, crashed through a metal wall, and saw seven versions of the same pigeon laughing at me.
I coughed, tasted blood, and tried to stand.
She didn't let me.
She appeared behind me, yanked my collar, and whispered, "This is mercy," before slamming me into the ground like she was planting a tree.
I was the tree.
"SYSTEM COMPROMISED," my Core said weakly. "Suggesting tactical retreat."
"You think?!"
I limped back, holding my side, watching as she walked forward without a hint of urgency. She wasn't even breaking a sweat.
"Who is she?"
"Core Class 1," the voice said, solemn now. "Name: Vex. Wielder of Silent Storm. Controls gravity, sound, and the ability to ruin your day with zero expression."
"So I just fought three drones with comedy bombs, and now I'm up against someone who bends gravity for fun?"
"Yup."
"I hate this week."
"Wanna do something stupid?"
"Always."
I flared my Core. Jokes lit up in my head like grenades. She raised a single finger, and suddenly the air bent sideways.
Everything exploded.
And I… smiled.
Let's dance, robot queen.