Have you ever felt like common sense packed its bags, left the country, and has no plans of returning?
I have.
How can someone be so disconnected from their surroundings that they don't notice a guy falling on top of them? Is that not normal? Are they like me?
Crack.
Yes. Crack. That sound wasn't a branch or the chicken bone from lunch. It was the neck of some poor unlucky bastard I landed on.
And I, miraculously, came out unharmed. Thanks to him. Or rather, because of him.
"Kyaaa!" a girl screamed, taking two steps back, her eyes wide like saucers.
She wore a pink dress with white lace, dirty and wrinkled like she had fought a possessed washing machine. Her headband was crooked, and her socks—once white—looked like they'd been through war. She couldn't have been more than 12 years old, by my estimation.
Am I traumatizing children now? Fantastic. I just wanted to die, not ruin childhoods. I sighed with resignation. Hopefully this world has good therapists, or maybe some spell like "Forget you saw Daddy die under a flying idiot's butt."
I stood up lazily, disappointed by my failed suicide attempt. I looked at the body.
He was a man in his 30s or 40s. His clothing matched most of the people nearby, so he probably belonged to this world's dominant social class.
The commoners.
From under his hand, a dagger was sticking out, dripping a glowing liquid. Poison? My heart skipped a beat.
I was about to grab it, but—
"Herooo!" the girl shouted, and threw herself into my arms like I was her emotional support teddy bear.
What? Is she hugging me so I won't run after murdering her dad? Relax, kid. I'm fully aware I deserve punishment. I wasn't planning on running. If someone wants to execute me, I'll hand them the rope myself.
Well, there's no way she could know I want to die, right? It's understandable she's confused. I'll just let her do what she wants. Easier for me.
But then she dropped the bomb.
"Th-thank you, Hero! Thank you for saving me!"
...
Come again?
Saving you? Me? Wasn't it your dad who—? Wait, wait. Something's not adding up. Before my two brain cells could start working, her annoying sobs kept interrupting my train of thought.
"Don't worry. It was something I did without realizing," I told her, hoping she'd stop dripping snot on me. "Can you tell me what happened?"
She hiccupped for a few seconds before calming down her breathing.
She sighed and started her story.
"I came with my family to see the heroes. But there were so many people, I got separated from my parents. Then this man suddenly grabbed me by the arm and threatened me with the dagger. He told me to follow him quietly or he'd stab me."
Ah… well. That changes things. A lot.
I patted her shoulder, just enough to say, "Got it, you can stop talking."
And as if they had been waiting for that cue, the spectators started making noise.
—"The hero has already saved his first citizen!"
—"What incredible perception!"
—"He did it without realizing it! A natural-born talent!"
...
I clicked my tongue. The situation was going too well. Which meant they wouldn't execute me.
Perfect! Just the worst-case scenario. Why does this world hate me?
Still, I wasn't planning on wasting this golden opportunity. I knew that in the next few days, killing myself would be difficult—even if I decided to bite my tongue.
According to cliché isekai developments, if I stay with the other heroes, they'll probably take care of me, train me, and worst of all, motivate me. I don't need motivation. I need a quick death. I don't even care if it's honorable or not.
I looked around for a quick way out. A pit? A magic beast? A pyromancer? Maybe some married woman looking for a passionate affair whose husband is a jealous psychopath?
Then I remembered the poisoned dagger. Yes! The shiny dagger. I turned around, ready to grab it and get this over with.
But of course. It was gone.
A man with a short velvet cape and a ridiculous hat (the kind of guy who thinks dressing like a wizard makes you wise) was holding it and smiling awkwardly, like he owed me money and wasn't expecting to see me today.
"Give me the knife," I asked, with all the politeness of someone planning a suicide in the middle of the street.
"The knife? Sorry, hero! It's not yours!"
And then, to the crowd's surprise, the man threw the dagger.
At me?
No.
At the girl!
Why is there another secondary villain showing up?!
Nooooo!
Horrified, I moved like lightning to intercept the dagger's path. Not out of heroism. I was the one who was supposed to die! That knife was mine!
[Ding! A strong desire has been detected. "If only I were a bit faster"! Karma gathered from the admiration of the crowd. Reaction speed and movement drastically increased temporarily!]
...What?
Now I'm getting superpowers for wanting to die?
Fine. I accepted the universe's help and jumped in front of the girl. I couldn't position myself properly to get stabbed in the heart or throat. The dagger sank into my back, near the ribs. Excellent aim—thanks, random villain.
I collapsed. Everything turned blurry. At last!
My body screamed in pain, but my mind laughed. I did it. Yes, death, come to me, beautiful dark lady of eternity.
"HEROOOOOO! NOOOOOO!" the girl cried, clinging to me like I was a dying loved one. So dramatic.
[Ding! You've made a huge impression. You are seen as a hero who would risk his life for a child. You are the object of great admiration! Use karma points?... Processing due to lack of willpower. Health deterioration detected! Based on the average instinct for survival in living beings, action will be taken to preserve life. Health and poison resistance increased automatically.]
...
Noooooooo.
Lack of willpower? I want to di— Unfortunately, my fading consciousness didn't let me finish that thought.
And just when I thought nothing could be worse...
Another hero fell right on top of the idiot in the robe.
A crack was heard as a neck broke...