The way they chose not to talk about that incident, as if it had never happened, bothered Theo. Ever since that night, he felt that Le An had been putting distance between them, and Theo believed that night was the reason. Killing someone in front of Le An when he was at his most vulnerable had made Theo into the kind of person Le An despised the most, at least, that's how Theo imagined Le An saw him then.
Theo had known those partners were being used, sent to die. But he hadn't been brave enough to tell Le An the truth. And now, it was too late. Even though it seemed like nothing had really changed between them, now it was too late. On the surface, nothing had changed, but Theo still longed to explain, to speak. Yet every time he tried, his courage crumbled against the wall Le An had quietly put up between them.
Lighthearted posture and a constantly smiling face, just like now. He was smiling again. From a distance, his figure looked small. The room had no windows; only the warm light of a bedside lamp lit his face. As he stood, Theo noticed the hem of Le An's shirt was wrinkled—probably from being clenched in stress. Theo would've preferred if he'd shown anger or frustration instead, but Le An rarely let anyone see that.
The exposure training they were doing was fairly basic. Theo would gradually release pheromones, and Le An would endure for as long as he could. Emotion-based pheromones were categorized—Le An, for example, could handle moderate fear-inducing pheromones more easily than those meant to induce seduction. In other words, he was used to being afraid, but was a novice when it came to love and intimacy.
"Starting fear-inducing type. Now."
They stood in tense silence as the minutes ticked by. A wave of fear washed over Le An, and he instinctively stepped back, knees buckling. He was trembling.
"I can't—"
"One more minute. I'll add a bit of oppression."
"Okay, ugh!"
Le An staggered as he felt the oppression deepen. He took a few unsteady steps backward, lifting his chin and forcing his body to remain upright. His knees wanted to give out. To kneel. To submit to the weight of that pressure. But that was the very mental blockade he was here to fight.
Suddenly, the man from that night flashed through his mind, the one with the overwhelming oppression. If he could push through even a fraction of that mental wall, maybe he'd be one step closer to fighting against that aura next time.
"Well done. Thirty seconds longer than last time," Theo said, releasing the pressure and patting his shoulder. "Remember, alphas always try to neutralize omegas with fear first. Being able to break through that matters, Le An."
"I won't just freeze with fear, then." Le An said. He drank a few sips of water from the bottle Theo offered him, then rested for a minute before standing again.
"Now, seduction-inducing pheromones. You ready?"
"Yes."
At first, Le An would appear unaffected. That meant he could maintain a clear mind against the seductive influence, for a while. But after two minutes, subtle signs began to show: light perspiration, a slight tremble. If the seduction pheromones were focused solely on him, he found it impossible to avert his gaze from the alpha. Eye contact alone weakened his mental defenses. That was just who he was, fragile when it came to intimacy.
After three minutes, they started physical contact.
"I'll touch you now. Try your best to resist."
"Yes." His voice was already hoarse.
Theo held his wrist lightly. Le An gave it a shake before pushing him back.
"Good. That was strong."
Then, he grabbed his arm again and stepped closer. His scent was stronger now. Le An's response lagged for a moment, but he shuddered at the sensation and shook his arm again, his fingers digging in tighter this time, fueled by a rising wave of panic.
His mind was alarmed, while his body betrayed him with hesitation. He shuddered at the contact, then tightly held the arm that captured him. He seized Theo's arm in return, spun under it, and bent his wrist.
"And... then I'll kick him."
His breath was shallow, his posture tense, but his muscle memory took over. This move was rehearsed over and over again.
"Yes. Very good. I'll release more and attack again."
The scent intensified again.
"Hah!" Le An instinctively leaned forward, his upper body seeking the scent. Their eyes locked.
He tried to hold himself together. He shook Theo's hands, but his lower body was tense—so tense it made him feel miserable.
"Huu… I… No-"
He fled to the other side of the room. Theo moved fast, catching up and trying to grab his neck. On the second attempt, he succeeded, but Le An dodged again, using a move he'd learned.
"Then I'll punch."
Theo charged again. This time, he pinned Le An between his body and the wall. The scent overwhelmed him.
Le An thought he could almost taste the scent of autumn, if only he gave in and... sniffed. But he slipped again, only to be pinned back between the wall and him.
"You've started to give off slight pheromones now," Theo said. "Take it in control."
Theo's nose brushed his neck. He inhaled Le An's faint scent, then exhaled slowly.
"Le An?"
"...."
"Wanna take a break?"
"Theo…"
Le An's voice trembled, as if on the verge of tears. His hands twisted the fabric of Theo's shirt, unsure whether to pull him closer or push him away. His eyes were moist, glowing in the dim yellow light.
Theo looked at him closely.
Le An's eyes were… beautiful. His gaze fell onto his lips soon. Through the warm air around Le An's body, Theo smelled the faint sweetness. He'd smelled this faint sweetness before, every time Le An was with a GAC-assigned alpha, during his heat cycles.
They'd touched him. Pressed close. Yet… not one of them had ever kissed those lips. Theo knew it. And somehow, that thought was the only thing that brought him a strange kind of comfort, amidst all. Le An had never let it happen. Theo wished he could be the...
"I can't hn... take it anymore."
Le An leaned into Theo's shoulder, pressing his upper body against his, almost without thinking. The words hovered on the edge of his lips. Hold me. Theo, help me. He felt a twist in his stomach just thinking of saying such things to Theo, of all people.
It was all a mind game. The next second, he lowered his head in shame, overwhelmed by stress.
"I'm sorry… Uhn… Let's stop."
Theo stared at him silently. His body was tense, his groin tight. He forced himself to remain motionless, to resist the urge to act on anything. No way, he thought. He looked away and rested his chin lightly on Le An's head.
There was no way for an omega to protect himself from this. And no way for an alpha to resist it.
And if that omega was Le An—someone that precious—then he was in danger just by being himself.
Le An was unreachable, like the peak of a distant mountain. Cold and distant. But if you were lucky enough to reach him, to draw near, to look into his eyes and hold him close, then the summit was warm. He was kind, heartbreakingly kind. Beautiful.
That's why Theo had volunteered to protect him. He'd stay up there on that mountain with him. In the freezing cold, with the warmest soul at his side.
Suddenly, Le An felt something cold and solid in his hand.
"..." He looked down.
It was a knife.
"When it's inevitable, this is the next step," Theo said. "You've come this far."
Le An looked confused.
Theo gently closed Le An's fingers around the hilt. "Try to make a move with it."
"..."
Le An looked into his eyes. Then, the knife slipped from his hand and clattered to the floor.
"No," he whispered.
Theo saw the faint trace of that same fear in Le An's eyes, the same horror he'd seen the night he killed that alpha. But then, Le An leaned against Theo's chest in silence. As if to say, don't ask this of me… but accept it, and stay.
Theo nodded, unable to see his face, but he didn't need to. He could guess what Le An was feeling.
He inhaled the scent beneath him, quietly. One last time. Then he stepped back.
"Okay." He stopped releasing pheromones and held Le An's shoulder, waiting for eye contact.
"We'll try again later. You did better this time."
Le An nodded, eyes averted, fixed on the knife on the floor. No, he thought. The arousing sensation was fading, replaced by a growing unease.
Theo led him to the bed.
"Sit and rest for a few minutes. I'll run a bath while the room airs out."
Le An's eyes kept drifting back to the knife. His mind was spinning.
No… I'll never be able to… I don't… I don't even want to try…
He looked at Theo's retreating figure and murmured to himself:
I don't ever want to hurt anyone to save myself... I'm not even worth it.