Chapter 17
Freydis
I had just arrived in my room and was about to open the door when Ake appeared from nowhere.
"There you are! Freydis, the Queen wanted to know where you are," he said. Then he stopped, and a small frown formed on my face. "Are you alright? You're crying."
With a pang in my heart, I realized the tears was still on my face.
"I was just coming back from the kitchen," I said, feeling too tired to say anything more.
"What happened to you, Freydis?" he asked. "I checked your room and couldn't find you. And now, when I found you, you're crying. You weren't in the kitchen because I'm just coming back from there."
"Okay, I lied," I muttered with a stiff smile. "I drank some mead in the backyard. I got really drunk and was crying out of nowhere."
Ake's eyes softened. "Is it because of your marriage to Brok? I thought he's a good man. That he'd make a perfect match for you."
"He's not a good man. He says Tove is his sister, but the way they act is far from that. He serves both the old gods and Christ. Siggy was punished because of him."
I sniffed back the tears that threatened to pour from my eyes.
"I don't like him, too. But this morning at the dining hall, I thought you liked him," he said. "I'm sorry."
I nodded. "Thank you for caring."
"In case you need anything, I'm here."
"Goodnight," I said, stepping inside my room.
...
I lay on my bed, watching the moon glow outside my window. I ran my tongue over my lips; I could still feel the taste of his lips and the feel of him.
The tension I was feeling wouldn't let me close my eyes and sleep. I wanted to race back to his room, but I didn't. He had woken every part of me with his hands and mouth.
I lay on my bed, aching for him and dreading the consequences of what would happen if we were caught.
I kept feeling his lips on me and his hands on my inner thighs.
I closed my eyes, and when I rubbed my thighs, I felt something wet between them. I slowly dragged my hands where he had trailed and let my fingers wander the slickness of it. When my fingers ran along my core, goosebumps lined my skin.
I snatched my hands back and shook my head. No, this is not right. This is a sin.
I closed my eyes and the images of our bodies rubbing against each other filled my mind. I thought of him, touching and kissing me deeply. Slowly, I carried my fingers where they should not be. My body ached, gasps escaping from my lips as I touched myself.
My hands began to tremble. What did Ragnar do to me? Because I couldn't seem to hold myself.
I turned my head away from the Bible on the table, wanting to hide my shame from God.
I wondered what Ragnar was thinking now. Does he regret it?
I hope he does because what happened earlier was a mistake. A terrible mistake, and I initiated the kiss.
With a frustrated sigh, I buried my face in the pillow. Tomorrow, I'll try to apologize to him one way or another.
For the first time in a few weeks, I woke up very early and prepared myself before Siggy came. When she entered the room, she was quiet.
"How is your back?" I asked.
"A little sore. But you don't have to worry, Freydis. I'll be fine."
I stood up and took the salve I'd been using for my wound that Ragnar gave me.
"Do you want to try it? It'll heal quickly."
She nodded and turned around, raising her garment. I gasped at the whipping marks. Her skin was open, and I could see her flesh. The skin around it was red.
After I finished applying it on her back, I went to the dining hall for breakfast. I was terrified that they would ask me about my whereabouts yesterday, but surprisingly, no one did. Everyone was focused on their food. Everyone except Ragnar.
His eyes were on me, staring deeply. He continued to stare as I sat down and only looked away after the prayer. I reached out to grab a piece of bread, and as I did, my hand brushed Ragnar's, who was also grabbing bread. The contact of our skin sent shivers down my spine.
After breakfast, I went to the library and wandered around the shelves, searching for something to read.
I was the only one in the library, and I was happy because it gave me a moment for myself. But just before I could grab a book, the door opened, and I turned around to see Ragnar.
"Good morning." I looked away.
"Good morning," he approached me, soon standing at my side, staring at the books on the shelf.
There was silence between us, and I felt terrible. I felt heavy with words I didn't want to say. I'd promised to apologize for what happened, but suddenly words felt tight in my mouth.
When I could no longer stand next to him, I moved to sit down with the book in my hand. I pretended to be reading.
He grabbed a book and came to stand in front of me. I gasped, lowering the book from my face.
"Did ye sleep well?" he asked.
I swallowed hard. "Na... Aaye..."
He smirked. "Aye, it seems the both of us slept well."
I pulled the book back to my face and wanted to bury my face in it.
A few minutes later, I raised my head from the book to see if he was still there, and he was staring at me.
"The book seems interesting," he said as he read the title, then he turned to me. "Tis about a Princess who fell for her guard, aye?"
I nodded. How long are we going to keep up this act?
I tried to read a few things from the book, but my mind wasn't there because Ragnar was looking at me.
"Alright," I dropped the book and stood up. "We can't pretend nothing happened yesterday, so I guess we should talk about it."
He smiled. "I'd be wanting to speak of it too."
I bit my inner cheek. There were things I wanted to say and things I didn't want to say flashing in my mind. I wanted to accept what happened last night, but that wasn't right, so I shook my head.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. "What happened last night was a terrible mistake, and I promise it won't happen again. Forgive me, please."
"There be nothing to apologize for. We're both grown, aye?"
I looked away from his eyes.
"I'm about to be married," I said. "This cannot happen again."
"Why?" he stepped closer, cupping my chin.
I was speechless.
"I care not if ye wear a ring or are about to be married. Mayhap ye don't see the burning in my eyes... Mayhap ye don't know the feeling i have when ye're near. Ye stir something in me that I have no power to tame. When that kiss came last night..." He trailed off, turning to the door before looking back at me. "By the gods, I wanted it so bad."
His words made me look at him. "Since when did you start feeling this way?"
"Since the very moment I laid eyes on ye when I arrived here," he said.
I swallowed hard. "The kiss was not supposed to happen. If I'm caught, the King and Queen will punish us."
He frowned. "Harald be using both custom and religion to bind ye," he said. "Can't ye see it? Tis not about your God. He's controlling ye."
"You don't understand—"
"What about the men I saw at the brothel, fucking with women? Is that not a sin as well?" He spat. "Why doesn't he do something to stop that, eh? Mayhaps his greedy head gains plenty of coins from it; that's why he turns a blind eye to it."
"Those men are different," I said. "Same thing for Brok, my soon-to-be husband. I think he's fucking the woman he claims is his sister. But my father doesn't care. He only cares that I keep my virginity until marriage because it's a sin for a woman to defile herself, while the men can do anything they want because they're men."
I couldn't speak anymore. If I opened my mouth, I'd fall apart, so I quickly turned around away from him.
But Ragnar pulled me closer and whispered in my ear, "Freyja, ye belong to no one but yourself. Ye can do whatever ye wants."
Has anyone ever said that to me? Because ever since I was growing up, Harald and Lagertha made me believe I didn't belong to myself. That women are not allowed certain things but men are.
My breathing hitched, and a small sob escaped my mouth. I leaned into his arm, face pressed against his chest.
He held me tight in his arms, whispering comforting words in my ear.
All of a sudden, I felt safe. Ragnar, who just came a week ago, was making me feel like myself again. He planted a soft kiss on my head.
I closed my eyes and the kiss grew, moving to my face and neck.
Before I knew it, I had turned around and was now kissing him. My fingers were lost in his silk hair, pulling him closer.
He licked away the tears from my cheeks. He pulled back after some time, and I rested my head against his chest. I looked up at him, and he was watching me as if waiting for me to say something. Part of me wanted to pull away from him, but I shook my head.
"I want this. I want you, Ragnar," I whispered.
"I want ye too," he whispered, placing a kiss on my forehead.