She won't even look at me, hell she won't look at anyone. She won't smile or eat properly or even sleep properly. The only thing any of us had been able to get out of her are nods, yes, no. It seems like she is lost somewhere in her own mind all the time. It's been three days. We have slowed down because of my wounds as they would take sometime to heal.
Oin had just changed my bandages. Dwalin was sitting next to me sharpening one of the swords.
"What is wrong with her brother?" I ask with sigh
"What do you think?" He asks back with a bitter smile.
I look at him questioningly knowing full well that he wants to yell at me right now.
He takes in a deep breath and puts the sword aside sitting back with his back to the tree beside me.
"Look Thorin, you are my brother and we both know each other too well to be playing this game right now. I'm not going to beat around the bush just to make you feel better. You are not the only one who has grown fond of the lass. Hell she is the one who had brought life to the dull dead dwelling of ours. She's like a sister to all of us....
I've seen a lot in my life Thorin, I've seen death, pain, I've killed and nothing has ever bothered me because I'm not built that way. But you know what, the pain in her cries is embedded to my brain. I can't get it out of there, the pain she must have felt when she saw you being mauled and thinking you were dead, I saw that pain in her Thorin. So the bottom line is you messed up brother, you not only broke her heart you've broken her soul too. There's nothing in there right now except an empty shell"
His words were like daggers to my heart. I know I messed up. I was so blinded by rage and the lust for revenge at that moment I could not see straight, all I had in mind was that the Defiler was alive. The filth had lived.
Dwalin continued," Can you see her die?"
I stiffened my hands curling into fists.
"I figured as much" he said looking at me.
"She doesn't feel for me the way I feel for her" I whispered.
"If that's the reason you want to give to make yourself feel better go ahead but you know you can't tell someone you love them and then shatter them into so many pieces that even they themselves can't find them anymore.
What were you expecting that everything would be back to sunshine and rainbows. She loves you even if she doesn't accept it, I've heard the pain in her when she cried. I saw her hold herself cause it was hurting her so much, look I know they would never say it to your face but they heard it too, and they are angry at you for treating her like this. It's up to you to put her back again Thorin and you better do it right or better because there's no room for mistakes anymore. She would be dead way before that." His words had torn a hole in my chest. The fist had turned into a big boulder squishing my heart under its weight.
"Help me brother" I look at him
He shook his head " No.... none of us can help you here Thorin. This is something you need to do on your own. We would if we could for her sake if not for yours but we can't help you. You broke her, now you pick up the pieces and put her back together, and brother don't forget that she means a lot to all of us too. If you fail we all lose her" Dwalin had never spoken like this before. He never showed emotion to this extent and this itself was enough to tell me that he had seen her break badly and it was my fault, I'm supposed to protect her, turns out I need to protect her from myself too sometimes.
I looked at her sitting at the bank of the small lake we had camped near, a yellow butterfly sat on her shoe. I waited for a squeal of excitement as I know how much she loves butterflies but none came. She stared at it for a while with dead eyes and then swung her arm at it to scare it away. The butterfly flew and she brought her legs up placing her forehead on her knees.
I look at Dwalin, he had been looking at her too our eyes meet, "See?" is all he can say before looking away.
I have my work cut out for me but I'll be damned if I let her drown in her own grief like this.
"Give her the watch tonight. I need to to talk to my woman." I say before getting up and walking to the lake.
xxxxxxxx
I come and sit near the lake, a little away from her but not enough that I can't talk to her without others hearing us. She hears me and I'm sure she knows that it's me but she doesn't mover her head.
"I'm sorry" I say he head snaps up and she looks at me but doesn't reply.
"Don't shut down on me like this Maur" I continue. "Talk to me, scream at me, hell hit me if you want but please don't shut down on me." I look at her pleadingly.
"Ok" is all I get as a reply. She moves getting ready to leave
"Do not leave me." I say a little more sternly then I intended to.
She stops mid movement and settles back on the ground. I want her to let it out, that is the only way I can break into her heart to fix it. I want her to talk, tell me what she felt that made her cave in and build a wall around her to keep me out.
"I'm not dead yet." I say trying to get an emotion but all I get is a nod. I take in a deep breath looking at the others from the corner of my eye and find them all looking at us. I have never even for once felt this helpless in my life.
"But I am." I hear her whisper, "And I think it's better this way"
This little sentence has knocked all the air out of my lungs. I freeze, not wanting her to shut down again.
"Don't try to mend me Thorin, you'll break yourself trying" I turn towards her, a pair of eyes void of any emotions meet mine. God what have I done, her eyes were the most expressive part of her face. They laid bare her soul and now there's nothing there, they are empty, like her soul. I don't think I had understood the extent of the damage I had caused until now and it was making very hard for me to breathe.
She turned and started looking at the water.
"Then let it be. Break me.... I won't be able to survive seeing you like this ." I whisper trying to get control of myself.
"You won't have to see me much longer anyway" she said. These are the most words that have come out of her mouth in the past three days.
I look at her face trying to see anything that would give her away. "What is that supposed to mean?" I ask
She just shakes her head "Nothing" she gets up and leaves.
I can't get her words out of my mind. "You won't have to see me much longer anyway."
I call Dwalin, "Where are her knives?" I ask
"With her, where else would they be?" he replied. "Why?" he questions.
I repeat what she said to me. "We need to take them away from her" I say panic in my voice. "If she ends up harming herself I will never be able to live with myself. I don't know how just take them away from her"
At dinner we are all sitting near the fire. Kili and Fili are trying their best to make her smile or get angry or show any emotion for that matter but failing.
"I want all of you to put your weapons here" Dwalin says pointing towards the ground, "I need to sharpen them"
They all do. "You too lass" he says to Maur.
She looks at him, "I've already sharpened mine."
"I'll re sharpen them. No one does it better than me." he says trying to sound cheeky
She shakes her head." There's no need, besides I would need them on my watch tonight."
Another long pause. I'm getting restless.
"Give me your knives." Dwalin goes and stands firm in front of her.
"Why?" she looks up her voice a little sharp.
That puts a smile on all our faces, emotion....
"Cause I told you I need to sharpen them. And you won't be needing them anyway. Just make a sound and we'll all be with you within a blink of an eye"
She leans back her stare hard on Dwalin, "I don't plan on killing myself if that's what you have in mind"
Dwalin looks away sheepishly and then she looks directly at me "There are others who can do it for me"
My heart is in a vise again.
As much as I want to tell myself that this is good, this is progress, her words cut deep.
xxxxx
The others have slept. I can see her on watch sitting with her back leaning on a tree.
She turns her head slightly looking at my boots I sit close to her keeping as much distance between us that doesn't force her to move away.
"I love you." I say softly. She lets out a small bitter laugh. I take her hand in mine and she stiffens trying to pull away but I tighten my grip and place both our hands on my lap.
" Let go of me Thorin"
" Never.... " I say looking at her. I pause " When I saw him that day my brain stopped functioning. All I could think about was that how naive I had been all those years thinking he was dead. I had kept him out of all my calculations all my plans, never for once thinking that he can be a threat too. All I could think about was him killing my grandfather, my father I wanted to take his head off Maur, it was an ill calculated on my part and it has cost me. Please don't let it cost me my life, I can't think of a life without you in it. Please..... you promised you won't give up on me." Her eyes are tearing up, 'progress' I tell myself to stop my arms from wrapping around her and taking all her pain away.
"You gave up on us Thorin. You chose vengeance over us, not even for once thinking of all the people linked to you." I hear the pain in her voice. I feel her tear on my arm burning like liquid fire. She said 'Us' not 'Me'
"I will never give up on you, I messed up I know and I will take any punishment you throw my way just don't pull away. Please promise me that you would not do anything stupid."
" Ok, I'll make this promise if you make one to me too." her eyes turning to me, her cheeks wet with tear trails.
"Say it." I reply
" Promise me that if you find me in a similar situation as you faced with Azog, you won't try to save me." She whispers
My body went taught hearing her, I shake my head, " I can't. I won't make any promises I can't keep." I kiss her hand softly. "Come back to me. I can beg if you want me to... Please"
She looks at me for a full minute before she nods. "I'll try"
Dwalin comes to relieve her from the watch, we both get up. I look at Dwalin. He smiles knowing I have broken into the wall.....