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đ„ Ultimate Roast Alert đ„
I only speak Walmart inventory Spanish-if it's not on a flashcard, don't expect me to roll my R's. Breathe, or don't! We blind, we can't see you mix, so I guess whites are me. My ex said I can't snowbird yet-huh? Guess I'm stuck in aisle 5 with the rest of the gringos, asking, "ÂżQuiere una bolsa?" and hoping they don't reply too fast.
Hate to say it, George Lopez, I know you love L.A.-shhh, ever heard of BahĂa de los Ăngeles? You were there, but you can't sell Ed or sin dick, hated like me but hey, not ho! Can you even tell California from Baja? Quick-San QuintĂn, PR, I'm in the third Google result, loco! San QuintĂn's got more tomatoes than your last Netflix special had viewers, and the only thing drier than their wheat harvest is your punchline at a Kamala Harris rally.
If the Pope ever opened the blinds instead of picking cherries, maybe his staff would finally rise again-just in time for all the kids to get off their knees for once. You hear that, Monica? Lewinski up, down, up, down-girl's got more knee time than a Catholic altar boy at Sunday mass. But this time, she's going down for Mr. Mom-yeah, that's me. At least I'm not Nancy Pelosi-she won't do herself sober, and nobody else will do her drunk.
Catch me at Tesla? Nah, but soon I'll be looking more PG-13 than Liam Neeson's filmography. Or maybe MS-13, depending on how many hugs I get-as long as it's consensual. And no, it's not "con Âą lul wa"-that's an inside joke!
Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year, unlike the priests in the Vatican-those guys never stop delivering the goods. My wife asked me to spoon in bed, but I'd rather fork. At least then someone's getting poked. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off-kind of like your last relationship, except that one left you with more than just a scar.
How do you get a nun pregnant? You have sex with her. Don't worry, the Pope will bless the kid-he's got experience with surprises.
I will find you. And I will roast you. Harder than Pelosi at an open bar, and faster than Monica on a presidential cigar.
Are n Siri us RN!?
Turn around and GH-you sold your own ace!
Drew Lynch said it best: sometimes you're your own worst dealer.
You talk big like you're holding the winning hand, but you fold faster than Drew's stutter when the mic goes silent.
You're out here bluffing like a rookie, while Drew's out here selling out shows and turning trauma into comedy gold.
Keep trying, maybe one day you'll get a "Golden Buzzer" moment-until then, just watch Drew ace the game you're still learning to play.
#RoastMaster #LiamNeesonVibes #GeorgeLopezShade #BajaBurn #ConsensualOnly #NoFilter #SaucyAF #PoliticalRoast #ComedyGold #PG13OrMS13 #InsideJokes #SpicyRoast #MicDrop