Getting back to work was familiar and comforting. I needed something to occupy my mind. Paperwork was calming.
Haruka welcomed me back with a few compassionate words but mostly showed she cared by handling most of the people who came to the office. People tended to piss me off more easily than usual. I didn't know if it showed or if Genma had warned Haruka, but I was spared most of the talking for a time.
Five days later, I went down to the Mission Assignment Desk with a handful of new scrolls approved and annotated by the Hokage. When I walked in, something detonated just above me. I instinctively rolled away, dropped the scrolls, grabbed my tessen, faced the threat, and stood up in the next move.
Pink glitter was falling down everywhere.
Unimpressed, I stared at the seal stuck above the door and the sparkly puddle under it. Despite evading, there was pink all over my shoulders, some on my arms, and probably more in my hair.
"Really?" I drawled as I looked around.
It was early enough that there were only the chuunin working here. They made sympathetic faces.
"Ah, Maiko-san. It seems you fell prey to our prankster. Ignore it, he just wants some attention," an old career chuunin from the Shimura clan told me.
"Who are we talking about?"
"He's probably outside, waiting to see the result of his prank," he said with a shrug. "You can go through the back door if you want to avoid him."
I picked up the scrolls and handed them over to the nearest person. "Here are the new missions," I said before going back the way I came. I looked around but couldn't find anyone.
I knew better.
Yuuhi Kurenai, always an early bird, was coming in, ready to enter the office. I caught her attention with a soft touch and discreetly flashed hand signs at her: "Target concealed. Locate?"
She took a look at the glitter then at my face before pointing in a direction.
I smiled at her with gratitude and walked toward the pot plant she had pointed out. An attentive observation showed that the disposition of the leaves was unnatural, not turned enough toward the nearest source of light, and not distributed for maximum light exposure. That was the only detail that I could notice. Whoever was hiding was good, but Kurenai was even better.
I pulled on a branch. The tree yelped.
"Dispel the jutsu," I ordered.
A young teenager took the tree's place and looked up at me defiantly.
I blinked at him, his ponytail, his headband, and the scar over his nose. "Your name," I asked despite already having guessed.
"Genin Umino Iruka," he replied, lifting his chin in challenge.
"Genin. Why are you pulling pranks here instead of training?"
"You have no proof it was me."
"I don't need proof. I'm not here to put a reprimand on your file. I simply asked you a question."
Iruka looked away and shifted. "My sensei suspended me."
"Why?"
"... For pulling pranks."
"Did you pull pranks during a mission?"
"No! Never!"
I blinked, tilted my head, and stared at the ceiling. No matter how I thought about it, this still didn't make sense. "Let me sum up: you pulled pranks on your free time and, as punishment, your sensei decided to ban you from missions, giving you more free time in consequence, that you occupy by making more pranks… Is that it?"
"... Yes," he agreed, staring at the ground.
"What is the fucking logic in all this?"
"I…" Iruka tried to answer, without knowing what to say.
"I'm not blaming you . You're, what… twelve?"
"Thirteen!"
"Not much better but okay . Where is your sensei?"
"Outside the village, in a mission," he mumbled petulantly.
"For how long?"
"Two days more I think."
"Alright, kid. Until your sensei is back, you answer to me."
"W-what?" Iruka stuttered.
I was already walking back toward the mission assignment desk. "Don't gape like that, you'll swallow a fly. Come on, follow, hop hop hop!"
I heard him jog to catch up as I reached the desk. Everyone was watching us like they were expecting a fight.
"For the record, Shimura-san, when someone does something for attention, you should give them attention. Ignoring them will just make them try harder until they make a nuisance of themselves," I ranted. "Now, that kid's sensei, there… whatever his name is…"
"Hyuuga Katashi," Iruka piped up helpfully.
"A Hyuuga, of course," I grumbled. "Whatever. Him. When he comes back from his mission, send him up to my desk, I'll have a few words with him. Okay?"
A young chuunin who came from the genin corps looked at me with wide eyes and nodded quickly. "Y-yes, Maiko-san."
"Alright. Now back to work. Come on, genin, hop hop hop!" I left for the stairs leading me back to the Hokage's office. "Now, kid, your prank. I give you two out of ten for effort. One point for your use of a personalized well-timed seal. One for the choice of emplacement. One for your choice of color — pink is fetching on me. One for your ability to hide afterward. I take away two points for the detonation sound which removes the surprise effect and is totally inappropriate in an environment where people can react harshly to it. A prank is only a prank if it's funny. If it isn't, it becomes a trap, which is not acceptable in a friendly area. Get it?"
"Y-yes."
"You'll need to do better if you want to fulfill your mission."
"Mission, Madam?"
"Yes, your mission," I confirmed seriously, ignoring the stares the glitter was attracting. "It's a really important one." I stopped suddenly on a landing. "First: do you know who I am?"
Iruka did his best to stop without colliding with me then quickly stood straight with his arms behind his back, standing to attention. "You're an assistant of the Hokage, Madam. I do not know your name, however, I apologize…"
I waved my hands. "Kamizuki Maiko. You can call me Maiko-san. The important part is that I'm the Hokage's assistant and it's my duty to make sure he's in good shape, right?"
"Yes, Maiko-san."
"But lately, well... something happened and the Hokage isn't exactly himself lately. That's where you came in."
"Me?"
"Yes. Your mission, Iruka-kun, is to make the Hokage laugh."
He didn't faint, but it was a near thing.
I grinned with all my teeth. "You'll do great!" I walked into the office after a pat on his shoulder.
Genma took a glance at me then at Iruka and said: "Kiddo, you didn't choose the best period to piss her off."
I tutted disapprovingly. "Don't scare off my new pupil and give me a bad reputation, Genma." I sat at my desk. "Don't listen to him, Iruka-kun. I may have a short fuse lately, but it's totally irrelevant."
"So, he isn't the one who covered you in glitter?"
"Oh, he is. So? Pink looks good on me."
"On you, maybe. On your green top… not so much."
I extended an arm and pointed at him. " Irrelevant . It's not worse than orange and you're used to it so deal with it." I turned back to Iruka and looked him in the eye, resting my chin on the back of my hand. "Now. You need to plan your mission carefully, Iruka-kun. I'll answer any question you have, but you're on your own for the rest. I understand it's a sensitive mission. Do you think you can do it?"
The teenager was staring at me indecisively. "Are you doing this to get back at me?"
"No. It's not in my interest for you to fail. I want you to succeed. I want you to understand what a good prank is. I want you to use your time and abilities for something more constructive than a glitter bomb, and I believe you can do it. Do you?"
Iruka watched me for a few seconds before straightening and nodding. "Yes."
"Excellent. Get a chair, I'll lend you a corner of my desk."
We conferred quietly through the morning.
oOo
"Maiko-saaan!"
"Naruto-kuuun!" I replied with a smirk while crouching to catch the human bullet running at me. I lifted Naruto on my hip and smiled at the hug he gave me. "Hello to you too. To what do I owe this enthusiastic greeting?"
"Dad said that someone mean hurt you, and that's why you weren't at work last time I came! Are you alright now? Did you punish them?"
I glanced at Minato who was smiling from behind his desk and at Kakashi who was stepping forward after closing the door. "I am better now. And your dad will be the one to punish them."
"Ah! He'll catch them for sure, and they won't ever hurt you again!" Naruto concluded with a fierce nod.
"For sure," I agreed. "Are you eating lunch with your dad today?"
"Yeah!"
"Alright then. I'll see you later, Naruto-kun. Enjoy your meal." I put him down and nodded at both men before leaving.
In the hallway, my little pupil had come back from the errand I had sent him on with five bentos. He handed them out appropriately. I accepted mine with a pleased smile. It was nice not to be the gopher for once.
I had barely finished lunch that Naruto left the office and came to me quietly.
"Maiko-san," he said, subdued.
"Yes, sweetheart?" I asked, lifting him up on my lap without even thinking about it.
"I thought about what you said…"
"About what, honey?"
"About my mom."
I had difficulties remembering what I said about Kushina-san. I hope it wasn't anything bad… probably not, but I wasn't the biggest fan of the loud kunoichi when she was alive so… "What about her?" I asked noncommittally.
"You said that she was strong. Dad said that she was funny, en-energetic, and lively, like me. I want to be like her!"
"Is that so?"
"Yeah!" He shouted before calming down immediately and admitting: "But I don't know how…"
I hummed, my eyes drifting to Iruka. I blinked at him then grinned slowly.
The smart genin recoiled.
"I think I have an idea," I said.
"What is it?" Naruto asked, looking up at me hopefully.
"You know what your mother was good at? ... Pranks."
I was going to create a monster, I knew, but that's fine… Konoha 1.0 had survived it. Konoha 2.0 should too.
"Should I be afraid?"
I startled and turned around. Kakashi had appeared behind me, leaning against the wall and hiding behind a book, as usual. However, he glanced at me over his novel with a hint of curiosity.
I grinned cheekily. "Now, I don't know why you say that… but for the record, it's always best to be on the side of the pranksters than the prankees…"
He gave me his best eye-smile. "My lips are sealed."
oOo
"Maiko-san, several witnesses suggest that you're the one behind this situation…"
"I am."
The Yondaime blinked and stared at me in surprise. Clearly, he hadn't been expecting an admission of guilt. "You… are?"
"Yes. I take responsibility for the events. Iruka-kun and Naruto-kun were acting with my blessing. They were working on a mission, you see."
"A mission?"
"Yes. To make you laugh. I'm happy to report that it was a successful mission, Hokage-sama. Your son shows great potential in trap-making, camouflage, and improvisation."
On my right, Naruto giggled, trying unsuccessfully to hold back his laughter behind his hands. On my left, Iruka relaxed somewhat after I took responsibility and threw me an admiring and grateful glance.
"You planned this… to make me laugh?" The Yondaime repeated.
"Yes." Hands clasped in front of me, I nodded seriously before tilting my head. "To be honest, you have a really catching laugh, and it always makes me laugh too so it might have been a little self-serving because I definitely needed a good laugh, but… officially yes. Don't you feel better?" I smiled at him placidly.
He stayed silent for a few seconds, staring at me thoughtfully. "I never thought I'd say that but… you're a bad influence on my son, Maiko-san."
"Absolutely," I agreed with a grin. "I think Kushina-san would be proud."
Minato was unable to hold back a smile. He had to look away and clear his throat to hide it. "Ahem. If I understand well, at no point during this… mission… was the security of the premises comprised."
"At no point," I confirmed. "The ANBU allowed my subordinates to work at my request."
"Did they now?" Minato said. He glanced at Kakashi.
The jounin was juggling with three balloons and looked back at his sensei with an eye-smile. He was pretending to be innocent although he had watched over the proceedings benevolently, happy to let them work since that meant he could read during his babysitting duties.
Minato rolled his eyes at him before asking me: "And you are the mastermind in this?"
"You could say that, I suppose, but the plan is Iruka-kun's. I don't have his genius for pranks. And of course, the setting up was theirs, since I couldn't take time off my work."
"I see." Minato crouched to take one of the balloons rolling on the floor at his feet and observed the seal painted on it. "I suppose those seals are yours, then, Iruka-kun?"
"Ah… Yes, Hokage-sama."
"To make an object attracted to the first source of chakra which it comes in contact with... It's a really innovative use of seals, Iruka-kun. Impressive."
"Thank you, Hokage-sama," Iruka whispered, blushing and looking down in pleasure.
"How much time do you estimate they will last?"
"Another ten minutes, at most."
Minato hummed and threw the balloon away. It came back at his feet, rolling gently on the floor to join his gaggle of friends clamoring for the Hokage's attention.
Genma walked in with his own little army of balloons rolling around his feet. "Hokage-sama. Hyuuga-sama is adamant that the offenders are to be punished."
"Is he still covered in balloons?" I asked with a grin.
Genma smirked. "All over his back and arms."
Naruto giggled and jumped up and down. "He shouldn't have tried to pop them!"
"To adapt the attraction to the quantity of chakra and make the balloons indestructible was a stroke of genius," Minato said to Iruka. "How did you learn fuuinjutsu?"
"Mostly from books at the library, Hokage-sama," Iruka replied, still flustered.
Minato hummed thoughtfully. "There are a few texts I could lend you."
Iruka's eyes went wide. "Hokage-sama?"
"But I expect you to study the subject seriously. We can always use more fuuinjutsu users, they're too rare."
"Absolutely, Hokage-sama! I will do my best! I swear!"
"Good, good." Minato smiled gently at the young genin before he glanced at me. "Maiko-san."
I bowed my head. "Yes, Hokage-sama. I know. How much will you deduct?"
"Your pay for the day should suffice."
I bowed to the waist. "As you wish, Hokage-sama."
When I straightened, Iruka looked at me worriedly. "But…"
I patted his shoulder gently. "I entirely commit to what I do, Iruka-kun. A prank has consequences, but sometimes the consequences are totally worth it."
I remembered the shouts of surprise and squawks of protest that very respectable men had made when they opened the door to the conference room to be met with a wall of multicolored balloons.
I remembered the startled face that the Yondaime had made when he walked into the hallway to find the councilmen fighting against a pack of balloons, and how he and his bodyguards had to step outside to burst into laughter.
It had been hilarious, and it was going to amuse a lot of people for a while considering that important people were walking around, pursued by balloons like they were ducklings following their mother.
"Totally worth it." I winked and left the Hokage's office.
Genma watched me with a lopsided smile. "Do you feel better?"
"Oh, yes. I feel great! Dango anyone? Iruka will have to fetch them, but it's my treat!"
Ah. I really needed a good laugh.
I was going to be overdrawn but it was totally worth it.
oOo
Two days later, Hyuuga Katashi came to fetch his student with an exasperated "What did he do now ?"
I stared at him with my chin in my hand. For a second, I thought of shouting at him, but it was too much effort. "He impressed Yondaime-sama and consequently receives special tutoring in fuuinjutsu during the Hokage's spare time," I replied lazily.
The Hyuuga gawked at me. His two other students, who had been snobbing Iruka, stared at their third teammate like he had grown another head.
Iruka straightened from the slouch he had adopted when his sensei appeared, looking proud to be sitting next to me with a scroll coming from the Hokage's personal library. For the last two days, he had done nothing else than reading about seals and helping me with errands when he needed a break.
"So, next time you decide to give your student more free time because he uses it inappropriately," I said pointedly and with a hint of humor, "by all means, send him back to me, alright?" I smiled cheekily.
The jounin wouldn't stop staring. Oh, yes, this was much more fun than shouting at him.
"Go on then, Iruka-kun. Take good care of those scrolls, uh?"
"Yes, Maiko-san!" The genin stood up and bowed to the waist. "Thank you so much for your guidance these last days. I'm grateful for your help."
I waved a hand. "You're welcome. Don't forget to keep in touch with Naruto-kun."
"Yes, Maiko-san!"
"Now, shoo!"
Iruka had barely passed the door that his teammates were asking him what had happened while they were away. His sensei inquired about the scrolls. I could imagine how smug the genin felt, and I chuckled softly. With a sigh of satisfaction, I stretched out my arms. The day looked promising.
Shimura Danzou appeared at the door.
Damn it.
I composed myself and straightened. "Shimura-sama. What can I do for you?"
"I'm looking for Hiruzen."
"Sandaime-sama is in a meeting with Yondaime-sama. I expect they won't be much longer."
"I'll wait for him."
"As you wish," I replied with a polite nod, hopeful that this would be all.
It wasn't meant to be.
Danzou stayed unmoving in front of me, leaning on a cane. He watched me work until I finally gave up and asked: "Is there anything else, Shimura-sama?"
"You seem untouched by the attack against your person."
My fingers tensed on a pen, and I looked up slowly from the scroll I was reviewing. I met his droopy eye and held his stare in silence, for a few seconds more than was polite. All the cheerfulness and serenity I had been able to muster these last days were swept out of the way by this despicable man. What was the deal with people telling me I looked fine so everything must be fine?
"With all due respect, Shimura-sama, that doesn't concern you." Unfortunately, I couldn't say: "it's none of your damn business, old geezer." I wished.
He squinted at me briefly before being completely stone-faced once again. "I'm merely concerned for the welfare of a Konoha kunoichi. One would believe that, considering the importance of your station, you would be better protected. The Hokage has been excessively careful in the past and yet…"
"Shimura-sama," I interrupted, standing up and resting the tips of my fingers on the desk to avoid clenching them or throwing them at his face, "since you're no longer a member of the estimated Go-Ikenban, I would recommend that you keep your opinion of the Hokage's work for yourself. Especially considering that your objections have already been shared with the Council and deemed unfounded," I spoke clearly, standing straight and looking him in the eye. "I'm satisfied with the protection given to me, and I would appreciate that you don't use my personal ordeals for your political gain." I gestured toward the waiting area. "If that is all you wished to talk about, you're welcome to take a seat as you wait for Sandaime-sama."
He didn't bother to hide his displeasure this time. Probably incapable of leaving without having the last word, he replied: "I thought you would have understood how senseless is your asinine crush by now, child."
"There is power and loyalty in love that I don't expect you to understand, Shimura-sama. You do yourself a disservice by belittling such feelings. I'm not ashamed of mine, and your presumptions on the matter are irrelevant."
He snorted disdainfully. "Spoken like a childish paper pusher with no blood on her hands."
"I suppose so. I'm indeed a young secretary coming from the Genin Corps, and I have never killed anyone. So? I'm not ashamed of any of those facts. I'm a kunoichi of Konoha just as any others, and if you think that we're only defined by the number of our casualties, that's your delusion."
There was some noise at the entrance, indicating that someone else was waiting for my attention. Danzou moved away with a last sneer in my direction. Satisfied to finally get some peace, I sat down with as much dignity as possible.
Silly old man, thinking that he could mess with my head as he did with all the poor orphans he abused. It wasn't the first time I was accused of having a crush on the Hokage. It wasn't completely wrong either.
This tendency to belittle women by making them look like silly enamored girls was nothing new. Many kunoichi chose to answer it by being cold toward men, thus avoiding this kind of rumors, because it was the easiest way to prove themselves and fulfill their ambitions.
I already had the job I wanted and the only opinion that mattered was the Hokage's, who was probably aware of my complex feelings but was smart enough to know that it wasn't an obstacle to my proficiency, quite the opposite. As such, I really really didn't care. Like, at all.
There was also that nasty habit of thinking that a shinobi who didn't kill anyone was less, somehow, than one who was a certified killer. It was so far from the school of thought I was used to from my previous life that it disgusted me entirely. Few people dared to say it as overtly as Danzou, but many thought so, maybe in an attempt to make themselves feel better. Again, I could care less. I had my own principles and values.
I was mostly disturbed by the fact that Danzou knew I was attacked and why he mentioned it. If he was behind it, wasn't it foolish to bring attention to himself? I shook my head. There was no point in speculating. Back to work!
I smiled politely at the new arrivals. "Uchiha-san, Uchiha-kun, what can I do for you?"
Uchiha Hideaki stepped forward, Itachi following him dutifully. The boy was staring at me strangely.
"The mission assignment desk told us to report here for our next mission," Hideaki said.
"Ah, yes. The Hokage should be able to see you as soon as his meeting is done, in a few minutes. Please take a seat."
The jounin nodded, emotionless, and went to sit as far away as Danzou as possible. Itachi's eyes lingered on me as he followed.
I didn't think much of it and turned toward my coworker. "Haruka-san? … Haruka-san?"
Haruka startled and looked up from her work. "Sorry. Yes?"
"Did you receive Intelligence's weekly report?"
"A chuunin brought it. He seemed intent to avoid you. Is there something I should be aware of?"
I chuckled self-consciously. "I might have obtained a… certain reputation with the Intelligence Division recently."
"What kind of reputation?" Haruka asked, a bit brusquely. She sounded unusually tense.
I was probably projecting my own issues on her.
"The kind that says ' don't mess with her' . Isn't that right, Maiko-chan?" Genma teased as he leaned against my desk.
I squinted at him. "Shut up, you. It was his fault."
"Of course," he agreed indulgently.
"It was!"
oOo Bonus - Minato's PoV oOo
"It doesn't make sense. Why would Danzou speak to Maiko? He knows how loyal she is to you and how much she dislikes him. She isn't shy about that," Jiraiya commented, leaning an elbow on the Hokage's chair.
His student tilted his head in acknowledgment. Minato had his forearms on the desk and leaned on them as he thought this through.
"An excellent question. Danzou never does anything without reason," Shikaku agreed.
"It looked like he was testing her, somehow," Kakashi commented, tapping his ANBU mask against his chin as he remembered the interaction he had watched from the shadows. "Like he was waiting for something…"
"Checking that his underlings didn't mess up the genjutsu?" Jiraiya asked.
"Or testing a sleeping agent trigger?" The ANBU Commander countered.
"If it was the later, it failed. She was completely in control of herself. No hesitation. No change of behavior," Kakashi reported.
"Commander, what does your new ward has to say on the matter?" Minato asked.
"Kinoe confirmed that he was a member of Root for the last seven years, following Orochimaru's experiments on him. He was unaware of the use of his identity to threaten Maiko-san."
"He looked shocked by the idea," Kakashi added. "He insisted that he never met her before, only knowing her by sight and title."
"Which leads us to wonder how she knew he was able to use Mokuton," the last member of their meeting pointed out, standing up from the couch where she was reading until now.
"What do you mean, Kumoko?" Jiraiya asked with his arms crossed. "You read her report, the genjutsu showed it to her."
"I just read it, yes," the forty years old woman agreed, "and you did well to show it to me, Minato. Some subtleties definitely require a genjutsu specialist's attention. From what I read, I can guess the jutsu used against your assistant. It's called the Dormant Nightmare , A-level, very rarely used. It's characterized by progressive graduation of the genjutsu and very specific stimulation of the brain. In short, this genjutsu throws its victims into a waking nightmare. What the victim sees is a manifestation of their own mind and not of the attacker's. The illusionist only gives the first impulsion, they don't control it."
"Then what's the purpose?" Shikaku asked.
"Torture," she replied plainly. "No-one knows better than your own mind how to break you."
The men gathered digested this somberly.
"It has very little interest for interrogation, as perfectly demonstrated by the way that Maiko-san resisted it. She said that she stayed quiet because of her fear of ingesting the snakes. It's characteristic. If it was a controlled genjutsu, the illusionist would have noticed the resistance and adapted the scenario in consequence. As there is no direct control, there is no adjustment possible. It's highly impractical for information gathering."
"What are you saying, Kurama-san?" The ANBU Commander asked.
Kumoko put down the report on Minato's desk then walked toward the window. "The Dormant Nightmare is only used in two scenarios: torture and escape. It allows the illusionist to run away after a few seconds: the progression of the genjutsu will hide their escape and keep the victim in a longer fugue state than most genjutsu, as proved by the difficulty that the medical staff had to wake her. Her attacker was gone by the time she closed her bedroom's door, if not before. If her neighbor hadn't been alerted by her screams, it could have gone on for longer."
"Someone wanted her out of the way," Jiraiya concluded.
"But out of the way of what? The only thing she had planned that morning was her talk with Yoshino-san," the ANBU Commander pointed out, turning toward Shikaku.
"No, that's not it," the Nara replied with his eyes half-closed. "There is the correlation of attacks. If her assault only took a few minutes, the assailant could have gone to one of the clan compounds."
"It reduces the number of enemies, but not by much," the ANBU Commander replied.
"Isn't the most important question why someone wanted to get her out of the way?" Kakashi asked.
"Do you have a suggestion, Kakashi?" Minato asked.
"She was gone from work for five days without replacement."
"Haruka-san was still on duty."
"But she didn't pull a double shift. They might have found a way to access the private archives in the assistants' absence."
"I didn't detect any security breaches," Minato replied before sighing, "but it won't help us much to speculate at this rate. We're still missing too much information."
"Yes, and you're missing several details in the rush," Kumoko said as she turned around to stare at them with her arms crossed. "How did your assistant know that an ANBU was able to use Mokuton?"
"You said that her mind invented this scenario."
"It created the scenario but dreams and nightmares are based on reality. Our brains use what they know from our daily life and make what they want with it. If it had been any other mask than Kinoe's, it could be her imagination, but she had the right mask for the right ability. She knew ."
Minato sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"You alright, there, Minato?" Jiraiya asked sympathetically.
"I'm just remembering the day a little girl called me Yondaime-sama and I thought she was cute. I didn't realize what a headache she would give me."
Jiraiya patted his shoulder. "Funny. I thought something rather similar when we met. Look where that got us…"