I sent a letter to mother and father letting them know I'll be in the capital in 2 days, I'd be lying if I said I was excited to be there. I don't want to go back, I have no good memories from the capital. The judgy people, the memories of abuse, the manipulations and then me who just sat there like a doormat letting it all happen.
"Your grace, sir cavill would like to request an audience with you."
"Thank you Stella, please bring him here to the office" after hannah's scare yesterday, i hadn't heard anything else. I couldn't ask Dr Morgan because I didn't want to Invade on their privacy.
Cavill walked in looking extremely conflicted.
"Sir cavill....." he suddenly went on one knee.
"Greetings your grace, I'm cavill Rubien the husband of your personal maid hannah rubien" Introducing himself as hannah's husband and not a knight means he is here to request something on behalf of Hannah.
"Please rise lord Cavill, to what do I owe them pleasure of your visit?" He stood up bowing his head down.
"I'm sorry your grace but my wife will be unable to serve as your maid going forward. The doctor said she is having something called pregnancy induced high blood pressure and she needs absolute rest." Cavill bit down on his lips as he explained the diagnosis from Dr Morgan, it sounded so much like preemclampsia.
"Lord cavill, tell Hannah that her job will always be here waiting for her, so she should rest easy and deliver a healthy baby. She can go on early maternity leave." He lifts his head and he had tears in his eyes, in this world maternity leave doesn't exist which is why most ladies tend to be scared of losing their jobs, but I already explained to Hannah what maternity leave is and how long it would last.
"Thank you your grace, I'm so grateful."
"Greetings your grace, you have received an urgent letter from the palace." The letter had the seal of the emperor, making me wonder why the emperor would suddenly send me a letter? I haven't heard any news from my Informants in the capital about any rebellion.
"Thank you lord astar"
'To duke theodore leandros, as you may have heard my second son prince callus salum is to be wed in a month. I cordially invite the duke and duchess of runan to grace us with their presence on this joyous occasion....." I didn't bother reading the rest.
What a pony letter, he is basically asking me and clarisa to give our blessings to prince callus and the saintess. He must have heard that we have declined all attempts of prince callus to enter runan so he may think we have a problem with the prince because of the broken engagement.
"Stefan, where is clarisa?"
"Her grace is currently in the training hall with sir carion your grace."
"Alright, lord astar I'll have a reply prepared and ready for you in a day"
"Yes your grace"
I walked into the center silently trying not to break her focus. No matter how many times I see it, it just blows me away. The colour of her magic is extremely breathtaking, she may look like she has no mana but once she starts casting spells she emits this faint yellow glow that makes it look like she is basking in the sunlight.
She is incredible, I know I clearly am not good enough for her, but even still I want to be the one with her. As long as I can stay by her side I promise not to be greedy, I'll do everything to make her happy.
Carion was all out of mana but her grace was still going, practicing like her life depended on it. He had been helping her find out more about the magic book and the kind of magic she use. He looked to the door and he saw Theodore leaning against the door staring intently at clarisa and smiling.
Carion started working for theodore 5 years ago, because Theodore reminded him so much of his older brother. At the time they both had the same look in their eyes, so he wondered what he could have done differently to save his brother.
He stuck close to theo hoping to get some sort of closure on what he could have done to lighten his brother's suffering.
Carion smiled bitterly knowing that there was nothing he could do differently, the only person his brother wanted was his wife and child and there was no way to bring them back from the dead after they succumbed to an illness. He had to watch his brother go from an happy man with everything to a man that could barely get out of bed.
"How i wished I could have save you brother, was my love never going to be enough for you?" He grinned bitterly fighting back tears.
Watching theo with his eyes sparkling as he stared at the most beautiful magic carion had ever seen, he could finally understand what theo was waiting for.... what his brother was waiting for....
It never would have mattered, as long as it wasn't her grace, I don't think his grace would have ever gotten better. I'm sure brother felt the same way, he must have waited and waited for sister in-law and Austina to come back. Everyday must have felt like torture to him, I'm sorry brother...I'm sorry i wasn't enough.
"Your grace?" Carions frantic voice was lost on clarisa as her magic spiraled out of control.
I didn't want to admit it but I'm scared, i know the count and countess are dead but going back to the capital scares me.
"Your grace!!"
I'm scared of how the maids at the estate would look at me, the eyes that the guest at the funeral will use on me. The words from the ladies in high society, the gossip. I used to pretend like I was fine with it all, it didn't bother me but... it bothers me..... I hate it...I hate it so much.
I'm scared to meet the prince and his friends with their cold gaze...I'm scared.....I'm scared.... I don't want to go... I don't want to go....I don't want to...I don't want to.....
Most of all..... I dont want theo to see it...I dont want him to see how they look at me... I dont want him to know what it means to hate me...I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared.....
"My dear" I felt a warm hand wrap around me as I came out of my trance, my breathing was erratic and my hands were trembling. The whole center was turned upside down like a typhoon blew through. Carion was on the floor as few feets away from me scared witless and disheveled.
"My...love" I breathe out
"Its okay dear... you are safe....." he hugged me tighter, as he whispered in my ears that I was safe. Just the thought of it was enough to give me a panic attack, I don't think I'll be able to do it.
"I'm fine now my love" he let me go slowly as I smiled at him. He picked me up princess style.
"Clean up in here carion and i hope no one else hears about what just happened"
"At least pretend to care about me a little your grace or is her grace the only person you see?" Carion whined with a hurt look.
I wanted to tell him to put me down but I wasn't sure if my legs would move on their own.
"I'm sorry to have picked you up dear, your legs were shaking.....and...." I wrapped my hands around his neck settling in.
"Thank you my love..." I wanted to explain to him why it was suddenly trembling but I couldn't find the words.
"Its okay dear, you don't need to speak I understand"
I didn't notice before but the center was covered in ice, a part of it was on fire, other parts looked wet. Did I do all that? I must have blacked out, i feel so bad leaving carion to clean up after me, I'll need to thank him properly later.
Theo dropped me softly on the bed and sat beside me.
"Thank you my love, i'm fine now" I don't know what face i'm making but I hope it's my usual sweet smile, he held my hand gently.
"My dear, you don't need to go if you don't want to. I'll go to the capital alone. I'm sure big brother would understand." He doesn't understand, i pulled my hand away...
"I'm fine theo, I'll go so don't bother Clark....."
"My dear, don't force yourself to do something you don't want....."
"Theo... it's my life, ill decide what I want. I'll go so don't worry about me being a nuisance to you" no..... this isnt what I want to say, but I feel so pathetic. Just thinking back on the last 18 years makes me feel miserable.
"Clarisa..."
"Your grace.... please leave me alone, I need to rest" I snapped at him, he just sat there. I bowed my head down as I felt the tears begin to sting. I didn't want it to be like this, but I don't want theo to see that side of me. The pathetic side of me, the side that was pushed around... i hate it. I felt his arm wrap me in a hug as I sobbed.
"I'm sorry ... theo..... " i don't want you to know clarisa dumont, you are the only one in the world i never want to see clarisa dumont.
"Theo.... if I asked you not to go to the capital with me, would you?" He was patting my back.
"I'm sorry dear, but I want to be there for you****" I grabbed the back of his shirt..... I'm so scared...
"What if you start to hate me?"
"I can never hate you my dear."
"What if you see sides of my that is ugly?"
"I'll love you, scars, ugliness and all my dear"
"I don't want you to leave me...theo"
"I'll always be beside you, even if you push me away, i'll stand by your side till you need me."
"The people in the capital hate me."
"It just means I need to love you twice as much my dear clarisa."