When Rei woke up that morning, he instinctively rolled off the bed and into a pre-dug floor-pillow crater.
A survival reflex, honed from too many mornings involving surprise kisses, accidental bindings, and once—just once—a live marriage priest hiding in his closet.
He groaned, face buried in fluff.
"Maybe today will be different," he mumbled.
The ceiling blinked.
[System Notification: Congratulations! You've survived 13.02 days of non-consensual romantic cohabitation.]
[System Update: YANDERE SYNCHRO MODE activated.]
[Patch Notes: All affection targets are now emotionally synchronized. When one feels an emotion, all feel it. Good luck, meat puppet.]
"…Pardon?"
As if summoned by dark magic—or an especially cursed update—five doors in his deluxe honeymoon dungeon suite slammed open at once.
Drakana, Lilia, Seraphina, Rosette, and Lucivella stepped in simultaneously like a synchronized idol group with murder licenses.
Each one held a tray.
Each tray had pancakes.
Each pancake had a pink heart drawn in syrup.
Each girl wore the same expression: lovingly unhinged.
Rei blinked.
They all blinked.
He sneezed.
They all blushed furiously.
"…No," he whispered.
[System Notification: Emotional Echo Detected.]
[You sneezed. All affection targets now experiencing elevated arousal levels.]
[System Advice: Do not sneeze again. Or breathe. Or blink seductively.]
Breakfast was a horrifying ballet of unity. The girls moved in perfect harmony—like a five-headed hydra of love and passive-aggressive death threats.
"I made you breakfast, Rei~" Lilia chirped, smiling so hard her eye twitched.
"I did too," Seraphina said sweetly, brushing a glowing anti-venom rune onto her plate with a butter knife.
"I killed a boar with my bare hands and made bacon," Drakana declared proudly.
"Poached your eggs in milk infused with phoenix tears," Lucivella whispered, her eyes gleaming like twin amethysts.
"I watched you sleep for four hours," Rosette said flatly.
Everyone froze.
"…What?" Rosette asked.
Then they all nodded.
"I also watched him sleep," they said in harmony.
Rei stared down at five pancakes. One probably had poison. Another likely contained a love spell. A third... still twitched.
He sighed and stabbed the least vibrating one.
They all gasped in synchronized joy.
He immediately regretted everything.
[System Notification: Pancake of Passion successfully consumed.]
[Affection +5 for All Targets.]
[Also: Mild gastrointestinal distress.]
Brunch was worse.
Seraphina attempted to feed him with a jewel-encrusted spoon.
Lilia insisted on wiping his mouth with a monogrammed napkin made from her hair.
Rosette pulled out a knife labeled "romantic grooming."
Lucivella summoned a harp-playing skeleton bard to play "Ode to Our Wedding Night."
Drakana asked if she could lick the syrup off his fingers "like when we were kids."
Rei quietly wondered if being turned into a pancake himself would be less traumatic.
[System Observation: Emotional resonance has reached dangerous levels.]
[System Prediction: 89% chance of romantic explosion. 64% chance of literal explosion.]
When Rei sneezed again (curse this dungeon pollen), they all simultaneously blushed, leaned forward, and whispered, "Is it hot in here, or just you?"
He flung himself under the table and whispered, "Take me now, sweet unconsciousness."
Lunch was held in the crystal garden. Birds chirped. Flowers bloomed. Rei's sanity wilted.
"I made salad," Lilia said, beaming.
"I made blood pudding," Drakana growled, tossing it like a discus.
"I made memories," Lucivella said cryptically, handing Rei a glass vial labeled "First Kiss (Unfulfilled)."
Rosette handed him a fork and whispered, "Use it for self-defense if you must."
Seraphina raised a toast, declaring, "To our eternal shared husband."
The other girls cheered.
[System Alert: Synchronized delusion engaged.]
[Current State: Group fantasy locked.]
[System Bonus: Rei is now 'Emotionally Married' to five women. Legally. In three kingdoms.]
He coughed.
They all coughed back.
"STOP THAT," he cried.
They giggled.
"STOP GIGGLING."
More giggling.
He stood up.
They stood up.
He reached for water.
They did too.
He tripped.
They all tripped—on purpose—and caught him in a collective bridal embrace.
He screamed.
[System Observation: Yandere Synchro Mode is operating at 96% efficiency.]
[Also: You should've died yesterday. Just saying.]
By dinner, Rei had accepted his fate.
He wore armor.
Not magical armor.
Emotional armor.
Also literal armor, made from system-issued dishware duct-taped around his limbs.
He waddled to the dining hall like a terrified tin man.
The table had exactly five thrones placed around him in a heart formation. He was seated in the middle. In a swivel chair.
Each time he spun, a different girl would pop into view with a slightly different but equally terrifying smile.
Lucivella fed him glowing soup labeled "Ambrosia of Forever."
Rosette offered him a toothpick that was also a sword.
Lilia dabbed his mouth while humming their imaginary wedding song.
Seraphina declared, "I moved the blood moon to next Thursday so our kiss will be astrologically perfect."
Drakana showed him a necklace. It was made of his baby teeth.
He screamed internally.
[System Suggestion: Try vomiting. It worked for Odysseus.]
[System Fact: There is no such thing as "too loved." You're just weak.]
At exactly 11:59 PM, Rei crawled to the bathroom mirror, looked at himself, and whispered, "Still alive."
The mirror responded.
Eris's reflection stared back at him, munching spicy noodles and sipping wine from a mug that said "WORLD'S BEST CHAOS GODDESS."
"Oh, you look horrible," she said cheerfully. "That synchronized blush moment? Top-tier entertainment. I even sold it to the Divine Drama Channel."
"Help me."
"No."
She tossed popcorn through the mirror. It bounced off his nose.
That night, Rei had a dream.
A soft meadow.
A gentle breeze.
Peace.
Then five girls appeared like summoned Final Bosses.
They all said in sync: "Dream Rei, you're so cute~"
He jolted awake.
All five were standing at his bedside.
Rosette held a dream journal. Lucivella held a painter's easel. Seraphina wore a wedding veil.
Lilia whispered, "I set a 3:33 AM alarm for synchronized longing."
Drakana just hugged him.
He wept.
Not from joy.
From resignation.
[System Final Note: YANDERE SYNCHRO MODE is here to stay.]
[Next update: "Synchronized Jealousy" Beta Testing. Probability of knife storm: 87%.]
Rei rolled over, buried his face in the pillow, and said:
"I miss the coma."
To be continued…