Just why can't I start a day without reminding myself what a failure I am. God, look at me. Can't even finish a piece of toast without overthinking every bite. I can't ever recall the taste. Why does chewing feel like an exam. Maybe if I sit smaller, nobody will notice. Just keep your head down. Act normal for once.
Why is Haley so loud this early. Maybe she actually likes mornings. Or she just wants everyone to know she's fine. People like that never worry about taking up space.
Don't stare at the glass. Just hold it. Don't shake. Please. Hands, don't do this—shit—
"What the hell—? Seriously?"
Perfect. That's it. Ruined. Orange everywhere. She'll have to use bleach. Every time she sees it, she'll remember it's my fault. Can't look up. Not now. Just want to disappear.
"Are you okay? Did it get on you? Sasha, is that—oh my god."
"Yeah, it got on me. It's fine, whatever."
"Sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't—"
You sound so pathetic. Don't cry. Don't make it worse.
Don't move. If you make one more sound, it's over. Eyes stinging already.
Try to swallow. Nope, not working.
Wish someone else would spill something now.
Don't look at them. Just wait it out. Maybe if you stay small enough, nobody will notice you're about to lose it.
Wish I could disappear into this chair.
"Want water? Or toast? Or literally anything? I can make you tea."
Haley again. Why won't she stop.
"It's just juice. It'll dry. Don't freak out."
Wish she'd stop. Just want the table to eat me.
"Nobody's mad. Seriously, nobody. Right?"
Haley, still there. Why does she sound worried for me?
"Not mad."
Is she lying? Doesn't sound mad. Maybe just wants me to eat and move on.
Just sit here. Don't choke. Don't look at either of them. Don't let your face show anything
Why is she hugging me? Just let go. Or maybe don't.
Feels warm. Not supposed to feel safe. Don't deserve this. Not after what just happened.
Can't even decide if I want her to stop.
What a disaster.
Don't pull away. Don't make it weirder.
Don't let her see your face. Just nod. Pretend it's normal.
Bet I look pathetic.
Need to thank her. Show her I'm alright, even if it's a lie.
She'll be late if I keep dragging this out.
"Thanks, Haley. Really, I'm good. You should go. Don't want you late for lecture."
Smile. It doesn't feel real.
Hope she buys it. Just let her go.
"Yeah, time to get prepared. Sasha, let's go. Let her finish her food in peace."
"Whatever. I'm done anyway"
Finally alone. Need to eat some more.
C'mon, Sophie. Bite. Chew. Swallow.
Don't think. Just do it.
One more. Nope, can't.
Stomach's not listening.
Can't finish. Go or you'll be late.
***
Okay, breathe. You're going to open the door and act like nothing happened in the damn kitchen.
Nobody remembers, nobody cares.
Just go in. Be normal.
Don't stall.
Open the door.
Oh—
Look away, don't freeze. Move.
Didn't mean to see that. Shit.
She's not even flinching. Is it normal? Maybe I'm the weird one.
Don't stare, don't think.
Just get your stuff.
Why does it stick in my head anyway?
Can't even stop comparing.
Mine look stupid. Why can't I just be like her others here.
Stop.
She's going to notice.
Act like nothing happened.
"You'll be late if you keep spacing out."
Of course. God, caught again. Can't even act normal for one second.
God, my face. Hot as hell. Why am I still standing here like an idiot.
Now she thinks I'm a creep.
Why can't I just move when people talk.
Could've just grabbed my bag. Could've said something smart. But no. Of course.
Always the weirdo.
Maybe she didn't really see. Maybe she doesn't care.
Just walk. Don't look at her chest.
Breathe.
Why is it so hard to be a person.
Why wasn't I born a cat.
Could've slept all day. Made a mess of someone else's stuff, gotten fed anyway.
Nobody expects a cat to say the right thing.
Bet cats never blush.
Focus, Sophie.
Grab your bag and go, you'll be late.
Don't look back.
Just out the door, now.
Move.
***
Should've left sooner.
Which building even is this? God, you know the map. You know the map.
Don't get lost, idiot.
My arm is killing me. Books are too heavy. Why did I bring all of them?
Should've just packed ones i need today.
No, what if the professor calls on me and I have forgotten soemthing.
Maybe I'll just look like I'm prepared. Maybe they'll think I'm some tryhard.
Left or right? Wait, is this the library? No, that's not even the same sign.
Circled here before.
Should've walked the route yesterday instead of doomscrolling.
Everywhere looks the same.
Please don't let anyone ask if I'm lost.
Check the time. Don't let the phone drop.
Nobody's watching.
God, you're late.
Have to ask someone for directions.
No choice.
Shit.
Why am I so useless.
Anyone else would just know where to go.
Just open your mouth. Don't look like you're about to cry.
Pick someone.
Just say it.
Don't stutter.
Pretend it's normal.
Please let them be nice.
"Excuse me—"
God, my voice sounds weird.
"Hi, um… could you tell me where the English Lit building is? Sorry, I'm new."
Don't blush. Don't drop your bag.
Please don't laugh.
"Oh, sure! It's just down that path, take a left at the big sculpture, then you'll see it on the right."
"Thank you! Sorry, I'm just late."
Success. See you can act normal. Sometimes.
Wish I sounded less pathetic.
At least now I know where to go.
Move.
***
Hall 103.
102… 104… Should be here.
Finally.
God, it's packed.
Not a single space left.
Wait.
There's one—
No. No way.
Why is SHE here.
Anywhere else. Anyone else. But of course.
You've got to be kidding me.