When I got back to my room that evening, I fell into a long sleep that didn't end until the next morning, when Khadijah woke me up for chapel. It was then that I also realized that there was a wrapped gift in my bag. It had "from Roland" on it, and I hid it under my bed clothes to check it after chapel.
Chapel was the usual thing: preach about sexual immorality, curse and condemn those that engage in it, call prayer point of assumed deliverance, and burst the speakers with prophecies that were meant to come to pass. I'm so done with this school. I'm so done with Christianity. True, I love Jesus. I've always loved him but the people that follow him are so sick. I was the leader exchanging microphones for these preachers angrily because they were not saints themselves yet they had so much right to condemn us.
I made a decision last night while I was asleep. I decided to ignore all comments of others about me, especially the demeaning ones. I made a decision to treat myself like a queen always and do what I want whenever I want to. I made a decision to allow myself to enjoy life without regrets since all life could offer me when it had the chance to, was unachievable expectations and pain. I decided to stick to my new way of life and leave consequences for "afterthoughts". I will be fine. Janet is, why won't I?
But I need to talk to someone. My conscience is killing me. I just couldn't wait for chapel to be over.
*
After chapel, I checked my chat and saw that Janet was online. It was her message that reminded me of the gift I hid under my bedclothes.
"Have you seen Roland's gift?" She asked. I quickly unwrapped it. What I saw shocked me and for the first time in a while, I praised God that no one was in the room. A ... i wouldn't mention
I quickly pushed it back into my bag
"Are you kidding me, Janet? This guy gave me a stupid thing is he alright?!" I sent
"With his name and spirit in it." She sent with laughing emojiS
"It's not funny. This could send me out of university forever."
"But you needed it. Your sex chats were probably too much for him."
"No, I didn't need it." I fought back. " And he's the one who talks about it all the time, not me!"
"Calm down baby, it's okay." She sent a voice not laughing at me.
"Janet I had it with him yesterday. " I said also in a voice note since I was the only one in the room.
"With Peter? "
"Yes, it's the best. But I feel so guilty and ..."
"Empty. " She completed my thoughts.
"Why did you say empty?"
"Cause I've used that word before too."
"And where does that leave us?"
"The emptiness worsens Aholah. Why do you think my life is all about sex? It's because I don't see anything good in me again. There's nothing as sweet as my body getting hot and nothing else in me makes sense to others than it."
I was confused. She looked like she was ranting out her regrets. Her tone had this new dark shade I wasn't accustomed to. Somehow I was hearing a part of Janet that she had so much hidden during her long time of friendship.
"Janet are you saying pre-marital sex and immorality made you like this and it isn't a good place?"
"Everyone knows it is a bad place Aholah. Even you. We are doing it not because it has any good to offer us but because we can't control our urges anymore. You know sometimes I feel trapped in my own flesh. When these urges come I run for an object or call a man. It's like no I shouldn't do this but it's the only way out ."
I had tears and they were real tears. Janet was telling me the truth she had never told me at a point where I feel I have broken the edge.
" Like you Aholah. You had sex with Emmanuel and after that the urges only made you feel more miserable so to tame it, the only way out you could see was helping yourself with other men and other exciting stuff. It doesn't change the fact that it is bad and self-destroying."
"Gush Janet, I thought you were unbreakable. I can't believe you're saying this."
"huh." She sniffed. It was obvious she was crying too. "Maybe this a bad time..."
"No. I want to hear everything you have to say, Janet, please. "
"I'll call you. You don't have to say anything just listen to me." She sent. I picked up her call and listened as she instructed.
"Let me hint you a little of the story of my life."
"I come from a very rich family ." She said. "My father was a big businessman. He owned and managed high-class hotels with branches all over the country. My mum refused to rely on his "too much money" so she didn't leave her law career when she married him. She was already a judge when I was like 8. And I was the only child."
"At 8, I had a phone. I had a nanny who prepared me for school, picked me up after school, and helped me with my homework but my phone... It was my best friend. I developed an interest in reading web novels and I was reading rated 18 books. Erotica!"
She chuckled.
"I read it so much that I dreamed About it Every night. " She continued. "At ten, I got my first boyfriend online and I was able to practice all that was in my head. Aholah, I don start this kind of life e don tey!" She boasted. (Aholah I've been living this sexual life for a long time.)
"Then something happened with my female nanny and my mom changed her to a man. I was the happiest in the world. I was just eleven but I will ask this man to bath me after school and touch him playfully until I bring him into the mood myself. "
"At first he was resistant but with time he gave in and we had intimate times every day. I was big enough. I had a big body. There's no way you'll even know I'm eleven at that time."
"But I was empty and I knew it. I felt it every time. I was always last in the class. I didn't fight it. But I had the boldness that I could bring any man to his knees with my body. "
And then she gave me her final words.
"We have no choice but to continue in our sins Aholah. In the end, it's pleasurable and that's what matters isn't it? If you tell me you want to change today. I'll watch you do it desperately with your lecturer tomorrow. I tell you from experience. You just have to live with that feeling okay?"
I was... Speechless.