"----!!"
I can't sense the moment I regain consciousness.
My ears ring as if torrential rain is falling in my ears, my vision flashes alternately between red and white, and the world seems distorted and unpleasantly tilted.
He had no feeling in his limbs, and the pain felt as if his organs were being squeezed out caused an unimaginably loud scream to rise from his throat.
He twists and lurches his unruly body, using every moving part of his body to convert the incomprehensible rage welling up inside his chest into destruction.
I don't know what's going on.
Where did the pain go? Why was I still unconscious? Where was the wound that had invaded my entire body? My blood was draining, my life was draining, I was dying.
I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die.
I hate pain, difficulty, suffering, sadness, fear, everything.
You want to push everything away, but it's the only thing you can see within reach. So you give in to your impulses and try to protect your heart by hitting, crushing, tearing apart, throwing away, and discarding all those negative emotions.
"----!"
I hear something. I hear someone's voice.
Amidst the animal-like roars, the voice of someone desperately clinging on can be heard.
It doesn't make sense. I don't understand it. I don't want to understand it.
There's no point in asking. It'll only hurt you. It's not like asking will change anything. Asking won't change anything.
Still, gradually, the colors of the world become clearer.
Blood flows to the tips of your fingers and toes, and the sensations throughout your body are transmitted correctly to your nerves.
His arms had been violently assaulted and had hit hard objects multiple times, as his nails were cracked, the backs of his hands were torn, and he appeared to be bleeding profusely.
A sharp pain pierces my brain and my wail slows down just a little.
Then I realized that something warm was clinging to my painful arm, around my upper right arm, as if wrapping it around me.
A similar sensation was also felt on my legs. As I raised both of my legs to strike the floor again and again, something small was hanging over me from above, preventing them from moving.
Color returns to my vision. Spreading out before me is a white ceiling that I've seen many times before.
From the blood flowing and the weight on his back, he realized he was lying on his back. The soft sensation was from the bed, and he was sleeping with his limbs stretched out.
And the person who was using his body to control his violent arms and legs was,
"Customer, customer. Have you calmed down yet?"
"Customer, customer. Have you completely stopped going crazy yet?"
The moment those two familiar voices hit his earlobes, Subaru's brain stopped thinking and the only option left was to scream.
※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※
Subaru's fourth time at the Roswaal mansion, its first morning, began in the worst possible way.
Subaru had already lost his life in this world and returned six times.
None of these deaths were easy, and each time I experienced the agony of having everything I had gained slip away from me again.
I never get used to the pain and suffering, and the sense of loneliness and loss that comes over me every time I return is something that no one can share.
But still, Subaru gritted his teeth and tried his best to live life looking forward. He was determined not to give in at all, not to lose his spirit.
But this case is incomparable to anything that has come before.
The sense of loss, the loneliness, the pain, the suffering, all of it dug deep into Subaru's heart, just as deeply as the bonds they had shared up until then.
There's no way I can stand up. I don't even have the energy to stand up. I can't even think of a reason why I should stand up. That's the situation I'm in.
"--Yes, that's it. The wound should have closed, but don't be too rough with it. If by any chance it starts bleeding again, call me."
The girl, sitting in a chair beside the bed, smiled and gently stroked the back of Subaru's right hand.
It was Emilia, with her silver hair tied up in a ponytail and a pale blue light shining on her palm.
Immediately after waking up, Subaru had gone on a rampage and suffered a laceration on his hand, and she had rushed to his aid and healed him with healing magic.
The only ones in the room were Subaru and Emilia.
The other two who had been present when he woke up, upon seeing Subaru's disgraceful behavior after realizing they were there, simply bowed their heads and disappeared.
"I asked Ram and Rem, did you say some horrible things to them?"
Subaru looked up as if bounced when a name he didn't want to hear was mentioned.
Emilia widened her eyes slightly at the overreaction, but when she saw the flustered expression on Subaru's face, she pursed her lips,
"I was feeling a bit down, thinking that I might have done something rude. Next time we meet, please say something to me."
"Was it something rude? No, there was nothing. There was nothing between me and those two."
The voice was husky and somewhat dismissive, and the lingering resentment contained within made Emilia's well-shaped eyebrows gently knit together.
Despite witnessing this, Subaru offered no apology or consolation.
Instead, what came out of his mouth was a question that was not even remotely sarcastic.
"Hey, Emilia-tan... don't you think I'm a nuisance?"
"Tantan, you..."
Emilia reacts with instant rejection to the way he calls her, just like she always does, but Subaru's attitude as he asks the question does not lose any seriousness for even a moment.
She thought for a while, prefaced it with "Nothing in particular," then raised her finger.
"I don't think I'm in the way. Besides, Subaru saved my life, you know? If you just disappeared without repaying the favor to your benefactor, then I wouldn't have a good dream. So, even if it's just my opinion, I don't want you to disappear until you've repaid the favor."
Emilia spoke quickly, as if to conceal any emotion she might have.
As he listened to her, Subaru watched her every move, checking for any falsehoods, any reactions or gestures that suggested she was hiding something.
"Oh come on, are you serious..."
And then, realizing that he was watching her reaction with a suspicious look, Subaru couldn't hide his disappointment and dismay and murmured aloud.
By coincidence, hadn't Emilia just said that, if one could no longer even consider one's benefactor as a person, then that was the worst thing one could do?
Emilia must have been an oasis for Subaru, a place where he could entrust his heart to in this other world where he had no one to rely on.
Even someone other than her could have felt this way, but those possibilities had now been mercilessly wiped away before Subaru's eyes.
For Subaru to have come this far and lose even his absolute trust in her would mean groping around in complete darkness.
Suddenly, a thought crossed my mind.
If only he could confide in her, the despair that dwells in his heart, the situation he has had to repeat and challenge over and over again.
Thinking about it, Subaru had always struggled to somehow deal with the countless near-fatal crises he had faced up until now, all on his own.
However, the situation has become extremely dire, and it has already reached a point where Subaru cannot take the easy route, whether going forward or going back.
In that case, wouldn't the best thing to do be to confide in a third party - someone you can trust - and ask for their help?
As if the fog had cleared, the feelings of anxiety and confusion that had been building up in Subaru's head were blown away.
Once I realized it, it was such an obvious and acceptable option that I couldn't understand why I had ruled it out as such until now.
"--Emilia-tan, there's something I want you to hear."
Subaru lowered his voice and turned to Emilia.
Emilia must have sensed the change in the atmosphere, as a tense expression appeared on her sad face as she straightened up in her chair and faced me directly.
Watching his own reflection in those amethyst eyes, Subaru began by slowly choosing his first words.
Where should I start? About "Return by Death." Or should I honestly just talk about the fact that Subaru doesn't exist in this world in the first place?
It was a story that would likely be laughed at, and most likely taken as a joke, but she was the only one who would not dismiss Subaru's earnest plea.
Those expectations, those hopes, were everything that supported Subaru right now.
--Let's start with "Return by Death." And, if possible, I'd like you to lend me your strength.
Feeling ashamed at his own shamelessness in asking for the same from someone who had done him a favour, Subaru took a breath and made his first statement.
Things are so confusing that you have no choice but to give up and think there is nothing you can do. But then, a ray of hope appears in the situation that you were about to give up on.
--That's what I thought.
"――――"
The moment I tried to put it into words, to find my voice, it came to me.
A strange feeling, and feeling this, Subaru was confused and hesitated to say the first thing.
Something was strange, he thought, and immediately realized why. It was sound. Sound had disappeared. All sound had suddenly vanished from the world. The pounding of his own heart, which he had heard only moments before. The soft breathing of Emilia opposite him. The cool morning breeze crept in through the slightly open window, adding a splash of color to the silence that swept through the room.
All of that had completely disappeared from the world.
A world without sound, a space so isolated that even the word "silence" seems lukewarm. Even the sound of ringing in the ears is drowned out, and the sound of blood flowing through the body cannot be heard. A state of absolute silence without question.
Just having that happen to me made a chill run through my entire body and an unbearable discomfort raged, stirring up my very being.
And that was just the beginning of the strangeness.
--What is it?
Once the world had disappeared from sound, all movement of existence ceased.
Time is stretched, a moment becomes eternity, and a second later the destination changes drastically, reaching a place far beyond time.
Before his eyes, Emilia's expression remained motionless and serious. Her eyelids remained perfectly still, and her lips were tightly pressed together.
Emilia, with her dignified appearance still intact, was unable to make her next move. The same could be said for Subaru, and if things continued as they were, the feelings he was meant to express would never be conveyed to anyone.
Sounds disappear, time stops, and Subaru's wish becomes distant.
A sudden phenomenon beyond comprehension. With no nerves in his body, he was unable to move even a single muscle, and Subaru was left in a state of confusion as his thoughts raced.
Incomprehensible. Incomprehensible. Incomprehensible. Incomprehensible. Incomprehensible...
What could have caused this to happen? I don't even have the mental space to guess.
However, as the realm of incomprehension continued to pile up, Subaru could only continue to scream in his head, feeling overwhelmed.
And then the end of that feeling came suddenly.
-What?
A voice of doubt floated in his mind, and Subaru tilted his head just at the image.
It seemed to have just happened out of nowhere, in my fixed, unmoving field of vision, before my eyes.
To Subaru, who didn't even have the freedom to blink, its appearance could only be described as sudden in the truest sense.
It was floating around the place, as if invading my consciousness.
What was even more peculiar, however, was that the black mist itself slowly changed shape.
In a world where everything is stagnant, only the black mist changes shape at a slow pace. The mist, which is small enough to be held in both hands, gradually becomes clearer in shape, and after what feels like a dozen seconds, it finally takes on the desired shape.
--To Subaru, it looked like a black palm.
The mist changed shape and took the shape of an arm.
A floating black arm with five fingers and length that reaches down to the elbow.
Then, as if to confirm, it trembled its fingertips, and approached Subaru with clear determination.
Helplessly watching it go, Subaru instinctively held his breath, just from the sensation he felt.
The black fingertips slid smoothly into Subaru's chest as if there was nothing blocking their passage, and Subaru could clearly feel the fingertips caressing his internal organs.
He touches the inner organs, strokes the ribs, then goes deeper, until his fingertips reach the most vital organ in the human body.
--Hey, wait a minute.
A voiceless voice. A body that could not resist. Unable to move a muscle, and with no idea what the black palm was thinking, fear ran throughout Subaru's entire body.
--That's serious, it's no joke.
Before he could finish speaking, a shock shook Subaru's very being to the core.
Can anyone explain why it hurts to have their internal organs injured? The answer is simple: there's no need to think about it.
At that moment, there was no need to justify the intense pain that had assailed Subaru.
Simply and simply, the pain of his heart being mercilessly crushed continued to hit Subaru.
They cannot cry out, and are forbidden to even tremble in pain.
With no way to mask the pain, and only being able to feel it as pain, who else could understand that except for Subaru at that moment?
There was only pain there. And yet it brought more than just pain, leaving Subaru with a warning that was so welcome it brought him to tears.
The pain tore apart Subaru's existence, his consciousness distorted as if it had been roughly handled, his thoughts torn to shreds so much that he could no longer even remember their original form――
Subaru: "ーーSubaru?"
"--a?"
"Subaru, are you okay? You suddenly went quiet, it's making me worried."
She placed her hands on his knees, her silvery beauty gazing at him with sad eyes.
The moment he realized this, Subaru let out a long, sigh. Then, confirming that his fingers were moving according to his will, he belatedly touched his own chest, and confirmed from the outside that his heart was beating quietly.
My body moves. I can speak. I don't feel any pain in my heart.
But the fear was engraved.
My fingertips were trembling, my voice refused to come out, and my body remained shivering and small.
For as much hope as it had given rise to, the truth it brought about plunged Subaru into despair.
Just the thought of mustering up the courage to try again made Subaru get the illusion of a black mist passing by the corner of his eye.
And finally, Subaru is forced to admit it.
Subaru, succumbing to the overwhelming sense of despair and covering his face with his hands, shrinks down on the bed. Emilia, with a look of confusion on her face, begins to speak,
"Wh-what's wrong? You've been acting really weird this whole time. If there's something wrong..."
"--There's something I can ask of you."
Interrupting her concerned voice, Subaru holds out his palm to her.
I can't lift my head. I'm sure I look horrible. If I were to look at her in that mental state, I wouldn't be able to trust what I would blurt out.
Summoning all his self-control, Subaru formulated just one word.
I threw everything away: the words I had wanted to say, the feelings I had wanted to have listened to, and the passion I had so deeply wanted to confide.
"Emilia-tan."
"Y-yes. Just tell me anything."
"Leave me alone."
After weakly saying that, he collapses onto the bed without even looking at her reaction.
Subaru's palm unconsciously touched his chest, and as he felt the pulse beneath it through the thin skin, he became acutely aware of the reality that had been thrust upon him.
--It is not permitted to reveal anything.
--Subaru has no choice but to continue struggling alone.