He has been ignoring me for days.
I arrive at Suh Jhie's tent. It's early in the morning. All the other recruits are still asleep.
I need to clear things up with him. He seems like a nice person and my only friend in the camp. I need to let him know, or he might just pull away or expose me.
Inside the tent, it smells like the servants' room back home. Sweaty.
Alright, I can walk through these nude men without a problem. I'm a "man."
I slowly approach Zhih Shian's bunk. No one. Let's just leave the letter and go.
I slowly put the letter I wrote beside his pillow.
I do what I can. Now, I just have to wait.
And then, I see a pair of eyes staring at me. It's his bunkmate.
Eyes wide. Mine freeze.
No words. Just breathing.
Then he flips over, away from me.
Rhi, what is the best reaction right now?
Hmmm…
Pretend nothing happened.
I walk out casually.
Then, as I turn to the next corner, I bump into someone.
Zhih Shian. Topless.
I blush immediately. I feel so cornered.
"Rhi… why are you here?"
"Just strolling." I grin awkwardly.
"You shouldn't go into a bunch of men's tents."
He knows.
"What are you talking about? It's perfectly normal. I do it all the time."
I don't know if I'm panting or laughing, but something is coming out of me constantly.
"Rhi, why are you here? This is dangerous for a…"
"Don't say it."
He shuts up.
Please stop.
"We are friends, aren't we?" I ask.
"I don't know if I'm allowed to be…" He cannot look at me. "Are you from any big houses?"
"Don't bring our family into this. Do you see me as a friend?"
"I… think so."
"Then, please, help me keep it a secret. Please." I bow sincerely.
"But how can I ignore that? I cannot stop imagining how dangerous this is for you."
"I can handle myself. Just let me keep it."
"Then I need to know why you are here?"
My throat closes. This part is harder. How can a lady run out to save a man?
I take a deep breath.
"A man I know… is in the scholar expedition. I want to… save him."
He pauses to think.
Then—
"Does your family know?"
"No…"
"I can't let my conscience let it pass. This is so hard."
He sits down on the ground to meditate.
"Give me time to think."
Silence. No, I cannot wait again after this.
I sit down next to him.
"What are you doing?" He asks.
"I need clarity as well. Fast." Then I start meditating as well.
A few moments of silence pass.
He sighs.
"Then let me help you when you need it. I cannot stand letting you work this alone."
How can you understand?
"Thank you, but…"
He slaps his cheeks and puts on a big smile.
"Let's focus on keeping your rank. If you rank over those men, it will make me feel so much safer."
"How?"
"We need to make you want to fight."
..........................................
Wham!
"Argh!" I fall to the ground.
"Rhi, are you hurt?"
"I can do it."
"Good. Again. Imagine me as someone you hate."
I stand up.
I know who that is.
Bhi Yha Queh.
"AHH!!"
I want to beat him up!
But that's Zhih Shian.
Wham!
I'm on the ground again.
"Your Shin is really strong. You just need to hold it to the last minute."
"How did you know? Maybe I'm just not good enough for battles."
"I can see the energy flow."
"I didn't know we could do that."
"It's a skill that requires focus. You can feel the warmth, can't you?"
I nod.
He closes his eyes.
"All you need to do is feel all the warmth around you and map them out. A visual energy picture will come to your mind."
I close my eyes and feel the warmth inside me. But that's all I feel.
I always focus on defense and myself. Is that why I can feel it?
"I can't. That's impossible."
His eyes are still closed. "Try me"
I dash to him with a strike.
Wham!
I was pushed to the ground again.
He can feel my movement even with his eyes closed.
I remembered now. Master used to complain that I didn't care about my surroundings. That's my biggest weakness.
Maybe.
Just maybe.
If I can learn to see the flow, I can fight with my eyes closed. I won't need to see their faces. Then I can just focus on my skills. Then I can stop hesitating. Then I can finally fight.
"Teach me how to feel that."
Zhih Shian blushes.
What's wrong?
"I don't know how to teach… you. This requires us… to be… really close."
"How close?"
"Very…"
Ahh! I don't have time for this. Zhih Shian's right. If I lose my rank, those men can push me around. Who knows, something excessive will happen?
"Let's just do it. You said you will help me. Then don't hold back."
He takes a deep breath.
"Alright, come over."
I walk closer.
"Stretch your arms."
I follow.
"Do you trust me? I might have to touch you to teach you."
My heart tightens. No turning back now.
"I trust you."
"Close your eyes."
I can feel his chest lean against my head.
The breath.
Pitch black.
"Now, let the energy come inside you. Can you see it?"
"I can feel it."
"Feel stronger. I'm now guiding energy to your left arm. Can you feel the stronger flow?"
His hand glides through my left arm.
I shiver.
"I can feel a stronger energy flow. Warmer."
"Draw it out in your mind. Where is it?"
It's there. Around myself. My arm. My left arm. And something behind me. Vaguely.
It's him. I never felt that before. Other people's energy. This is how it feels.
I can feel… color. Light. The sun has energy, too. But a different type of energy.
The ground has some energy as well.
But everything else, still black.
"Don't reach too far," he whispers. "Focus on the flow around you."
"I can feel you."
"Good, reach out. What else is there? We're gathering energy. Where does it come from? Where does the flow end?"
The flow extends and extends. I can't find the end.
"Shin is part of everything. Shin provides. Shin refills."
Where is the energy coming from?
"Like water, some currents are strong. Some currents are weak. Differentiate it."
People's currents are strong.
I can feel them. The people in the tents. Weak but there.
"Shin is heart. Shin is your mind. Shin is you."
I finally see the light. The glow of the energy around me. Just a mere second.
"I did it. I did it. I did it."
I hug him without a thought.
"Rhi, you're yelling too high-pitched."
"Sorry."
"Look at those lovebirds." Those brutes again.
"Why don't you kiss your little pretty boy, Jhie?"
"Let's go, don't waste our time on them," I say.
Zhih Shian is angry for me.
"Zhih Shian."
He finally looks at me.
"Let's go. We'll show them on the test."
He nods.
Before we leave, I look at them clearly. Next time, their faces will all be Bhi Yha Queh.