Even if he were to live upwards of two-hundred years, Harry knew he would never solve the strangest mystery of all: how did rumors, secrets and gossip move faster than the speed of light around Hogwarts? Even with the majority of students third year and upwards in Hogsmeade, the Hogwarts Rumor Mill still worked at an impressive rate. By the time he and Hermione had reached the Great Hall for lunch early that afternoon, three things that had been private to them just hours before was now common knowledge.
The first was that Harry and Hermione were now a couple. This had mixed reactions. The majority of those students still in the castle were either happy for them, or really didn't hold an opinion of the new romance at all. Then there were the Boy-Who-Lived fan-girls. It was hilarious how easy it was to point these girls out. Those who weren't crying, were giving the evil eye to Hermione before breaking down to tears soon after. What was left over after all that was those who were quite negative toward the new couple. They weren't jealous like the fan-girls. These people simply didn't like that a Muggleborn had stolen the Boy-Who-Lived. There were mentions of Line Theft and Love Potions. Harry and Hermione simply ignored them all. They'd dealt with it before – of course, back then they weren't dating.
The second piece of gossip was that the Golden Trio was no longer a Trio. There were the surprisingly true versions of the guesswork – that the trio had split because Ron was jealous of the new couple. Then there were the other rumors. There were tales of an epic brawl between Harry and Ron that ended with Ron breaking his leg after Harry threw him from a great height – whether it be a broomstick, the very top of the Grand Staircase, or off the Astronomy Tower was still being decided. The last made Harry's eye twitch whenever he heard it mentioned. Strangely, nobody seemed to think Harry had thrown Ron out the window in their dormitory. It seemed the obvious choice, at least to Harry. Frighteningly plausible too. Harry had daydreamed of doing it after Ron didn't believe he hadn't entered in the Triwizard Tournament in the previous timeline.
The positive side of this was that it gave Harry and Hermione ideas if they ever needed to dispose of Ron if he got too annoying. Even though tossing Ron out of the dormitory window would fulfill a fantasy, the aftermath was too risky. After all, the broken body of Ron would be quite obvious. Harry favored a less risky fantasy – dropping Ron over the Hogwarts Lake, possibly right into the clutches of the Giant Squid. The meal would satisfy the creature, and Ron's disappearance might end up as him running away from Great Britain because he couldn't get the girl. Hell, Harry could even say after many months that Ron wrote him, seeking forgiveness for being the universe's biggest git, and informed him that he was now a male-to-female transgendered nun in a convent, practicing celibacy on the other side of the world. Could be true after all, in a parallel universe.
Of course in a parallel universe, Ron could have married Hermione, and had a daughter that ended up a member of the Malfoy family through marriage. And Harry could have married Ginny and ended up with children with really odd names that would take several years, threats of divorce, adultery, actual divorce, and more than a few drinks along the way to figure how the hell they had ended up with those names! Thankfully it wouldn't happen in this universe. The only place the names Albus and Severus might be remotely close to each other were tombstones.
The third piece of gossip was connected to the second. Ron's flatulence and sudden and random spouts of muteness was widely known and would soon be legendary. Ron was getting the fame he wanted. The fact that it was infamy would probably go right over his head when he heard about it. Now people were trying to figure out exactly who hexed the youngest male Weasley. Strangely, Harry and Hermione were not suspects. Apparently the broken leg theory was enough for their – ahem – fictitious revenge.
The main culprits were Fred and George, followed by Draco Malfoy and his minions. Oddly enough Lavender Brown was the third suspect. Trelawney's warning earlier in the year about her needing to beware of a red haired man had gone through the rumor mill months ago, and seemed to point her out as a suspect. Trelawney had even made an appearance to say 'I told you so' and do a victory jig before she vanished back into the murky, perfumed depths of her tower. The fourth suspect was Sirius Black – that he had come in and hexed Ron, then left without a trace. Harry would have to remember to tell his godfather about that one.
It was quite odd how the culprit of the second and third piece of gossip had been switched. But that was the Hogwarts rumor mill in all its mysteriously magnificent splendor.
It was especially odd that the Professors did nothing to quell the rumors. Then again they had done nothing the previous year when Harry was labeled the Heir of Slytherin. Also Dumbledore was surprisingly absent in the corridors and the Great Hall during all these rumors. But that didn't bother Harry and Hermione at all.
Harry was currently sitting at the Gryffindor table with Hermione, eating lunch, and daydreaming of his earlier reunion with Hedwig and his passionate snog session with Hermione in the Owlery – and doing his best not to mix the two up, because as beautiful as Hedwig was, he didn't want to snog her – when he heard a familiar voice.
"Hello, Harry Potter," Luna Lovegood said.
Harry turned to the young blonde Ravenclaw.
"Hello Luna Lovegood," he said.
Luna cocked her head to the side. "How did you know my name?"
"How did you know mine?" Harry countered.
Hermione snickered into her goblet of pumpkin juice. Harry knew it was a silly question, but he didn't know how else to counter the fact that he said her name before he was actually supposed to know it.
"You're famous," Luna said.
"So are you," Harry said, struck with sudden inspiration. "I've read those articles of yours in the Quibbler."
Luna blinked dreamily and shrugged, obviously deciding it was a good enough explanation. Harry sighed in relief. He had not been sure that she was writing articles for her father's newspaper yet.
"Would you like to sit with us?" Hermione asked.
Luna sat next to Harry then looked at Hermione. "You're Hermione Granger, Harry's girlfriend."
"I know I am," Hermione said.
Luna gazed back at Harry. "I am going to take an educated guess and say you know about the –" she mouthed 'betrothals'.
"Why are we not saying that word out loud?" Hermione asked.
"I doubt you want it to be placed in the Hogwarts Rumor Mill yet," Luna said.
"Preferably not," Harry said, "we don't want certain individuals to know."
"Ronald Weasley or Headmaster Dumbledore?" Luna asked.
Harry grinned, deciding it was best not to be surprised she had guessed accurately. "Both."
"How did you know that?" Hermione asked.
"I tend to see things others overlook," Luna said. "I guessed they were in collaboration, but I thought you two knew about it. I heard about your hijinks and thought it was something you had planned with Ronald to discover the true Heir of Slytherin. I apologize if I was mistaken. I may have been the one overlooking it that time."
"It is alright, Luna," Hermione said. "Are those common? Overlooking things when it isn't common for you."
"A few times," Luna said, "The first was my mother's death. You look pale, Hermione. I am okay with bringing it up now."
Harry noticed that Hermione did indeed look pale.
"It isn't that, Luna," Hermione said, "I fear you've been a victim of numerous Confundus Charms or Obliviations. I... oh Merlin..."
"You can say it, Hermione," Luna said, "I might have had my memory modified several times, including my mother's death?"
"I'm sorry, Luna," Hermione said.
"I thought about that too in the past," Luna said, "But nobody believed me."
"We believe you," Harry said, "I promise you. We'll get to the bottom of it."
"I believe you," Luna said.
"Our mothers were friends, weren't they?" Harry asked.
"Best friends," Luna said, "You met me the day our fathers signed the You-Know-What, on your first birthday. I was a few months old back then."
"I can't remember that," Harry said.
"That's okay," Luna said, "You can see all our parents on that day in Daddy's Pensieve, when you talk to him about You-Know-What this summer."
"I'd like that," Harry said. "I guess it would be pointless to say we know about the... You-Know-What. I found out about it yesterday. I am also... er... that... with Daphne Greengrass and Susan Bones. I'm meeting with Madam Amelia Bones tomorrow."
"So... you're not... that... to Hermione?" Luna asked.
Harry chuckled. "She's just my girlfriend."
"The...er... that... will take time to get used to," Hermione said. "But marriage won't be on our minds till we're older."
"Hmm... okay," Luna said.
She retained that dreamy stare as she put together a lunch plate. She said nothing else, but she had a peculiar smile on her face the three ate in companionable silence.
"We'll talk to you later, Luna," Hermione said, after their meals were finished, "Harry and I need to speak to Professor McGonagall."
"Alright," Luna said. "I am going to go talk to the Thestrals. I have not seen them lately cause of the Dementors. They must miss me."
She stood and headed toward the exit. Harry noticed for the first time that she wasn't wearing shoes.
"Her clothes are being stolen," Hermione said, "Aren't they?"
"Didn't know it had been going on this long," Harry said, "When we move into the Lord's Quarters, she is moving in with us."
"Agreed," Hermione said.
They made their way up to the Head Table, where several staff were dining on lunch. Both Dumbledore and Snape were absent though. Professor McGonagall eyed the pair as they arrived.
"Yes, Mr. Potter, Miss Granger?" she asked.
"We need to speak with you in private," Hermione said, "The first is about next year's class schedules. The second... isn't best discussed in public."
Professor McGonagall raised her eyebrows as she looked from Hermione to Harry.
"Is it urgent?" she asked.
"Maybe?" Harry replied.
McGonagall sighed audibly and stood. "Very well. Follow me."
The couple followed the Deputy Headmistress out of the Great Hall, ignoring the eyes of students that followed them. A few minutes of silence later, they were making their way into McGonagall's office.
"I must admit this meeting is beneficial for myself already," McGonagall said, as she strode across the room and sat down at her desk "I was going to meet with you soon enough, Miss Granger. Do you have the artifact on you?"
"Yes, ma'am," Hermione said.
"Bring it here," McGonagall said, "Oh where are my manners? Sit down the two of you."
As Harry and Hermione walked across the room, Hermione tripped and stumbled to the floor. There was a strange tinkling sound of broken glass when she hit the floor.
"Miss Granger?" McGonagall asked.
"I'm fine," Hermione said, as Harry helped her up, "Oh, bother. But the – ah – artifact is most certainly not."
She held the Time Turner in front of her. The glass of the hourglass was broken and the sand was pouring out.
"Oh dear!" McGonagall gasped, "Back away from the sand carefully. It is volatile when out of the container."
Harry and Hermione backed away. Harry knew, however, the sand wasn't dangerous. It was merely a copy Hermione had made along with the whole time turner before they had left the Common Room. The plan had worked perfectly. Hermione would trip and break the fake time turner. McGonagall and everyone else would believe it was real. The real one was safe and secure in Hermione's trunk.
Harry watched as McGonagall siphoned up the sand with her wand and collected the pieces of the necklace as well. Then she flourished her wand around Harry and Hermione to make sure the sand hadn't stuck to them.
"My apologies, ma'am," Hermione said, as she and Harry sat down at the desk.
"It was an accident," McGonagall said, "These things are easily breakable after constant use. No matter. The Department of Mysteries have plenty more. They will not miss one. Now, what did you wish to speak to me about?"
"We'll start with the class schedules," Hermione said. "I wish to move back to a three-choice max for intermediate studies. I no longer wish to take Muggle Studies."
"May I ask why?" McGonagall asked.
"I've looked through the course aims for all the way through seventh year," Hermione said. "Professor Burbage does not move into present Muggle technology or current times at all. Technology has changed in large amounts in the past sixty years and Professor Burbage refuses to teach about any of it."
"I am well aware of that, Miss Granger," McGonagall said.
"Ma'am?" Hermione asked.
"The class course has not changed in the past sixty years or so," McGonagall said. "Because the Ministry does not allow it."
"They want to keep wizards and witches oblivious to evolving Muggle technology?" Hermione asked. "Why?"
"My dear, if wizarding society learned of the weapons Muggles can use these days," McGonagall said, "It would cause widespread panic. Imagine if we showed the students what happened at Hiroshima. A bomb like that could tear our Wards to shreds. Hogwarts, Diagon Alley, even the Ministry would be destroyed. The children of Dark Alliance purebloods would tell their parents that could happen, and they start a war against the Muggles. Muggles could destroy us... easily. How many curses can you throw in ten seconds, Mr. Potter?"
"I don't really know, ma'am," Harry said. "I am thirteen after all."
"A trained Auror can cast ten in thirty seconds," McGonagall said. "They'd be dead in half that time,or less if a Muggle shot them. Most bullets these days pass through a Protego, a wizard's first defense. The result would be a dead wizard and the Muggle would tell their authorities about what they witnessed. With visual representation across the globe through cameras and television, the Statute of Secrecy would be irreparably obliterated. We cannot Obliviate six billion Muggles and their technology before we are destroyed. Do you understand why Muggle Studies teaches what it does now?"
"Yes, ma'am," Hermione said. "To keep most magicals oblivious that the wizarding world is grossly outmatched by the Muggles the Dark Purebloods believe are powerless."
"Blunt but precise," McGonagall said, "So you wish to take Care of Magical Creatures, Arithmancy and Ancient Runes as intermediates?"
"Yes, ma'am," Hermione said.
"Me too, ma'am," Harry said.
McGonagall looked at Harry with arched eyebrows. "I see two issues with that."
"Hermione promised to prepare me this summer," Harry said, "I can be ready to take the tests to go to fourth year on the first day of term."
"I have no doubts," McGonagall said, "which brings us to the other issue. Headmaster Dumbledore wishes for you to continue Divination."
"He wishes me to continue," Harry said, "so that when he finally tells me about the Prophecy hanging over my head, I'll believe his every word."
McGonagall's brow furrowed. "Just how do you know that, Mr. Potter?"
"With all due respect, that does not have anything to do with my education, ma'am," Harry said, smoothly, "Trelawney predicts my death once a week – more so if she can muster it. I am through with it. This is officially why I wish to leave her class."
McGonagall's lips pursed. "Very well, Mr. Potter. If you can pass the third year exams on the first day of next term, you can join Miss Granger with the rest of those advancing. If not, you'll take the third year courses."
"Understood," Harry said.
"I assume that topic is finished," McGonagall said, "What is this other pressing matter?"
"Recently I discovered I am Betrothed to three girls," Harry said.
"My goodness!" McGonagall exclaimed. "I assume your father had something to do with this."
"Yes, ma'am," Harry said. "He did it so the Great Alliance would live on."
"I am pleased you are knowledgeable about your family legacy, Mr. Potter," McGonagall said, "Charlus, your Grandfather, was a dear friend of mine. As were your grandmother and parents. Now, what does this have to do with me?"
"I need permission to go to Hogsmeade tomorrow," Harry said. "Susan Bones is one of my Betrothed. Her Aunt, Madam Amelia Bones wrote to me this morning. She wants to meet with me tomorrow at noon at the Three Broomsticks to discuss the Contract."
"I assume you said you would meet her," McGonagall said; it wasn't a question. Harry nodded. She sighed. "You have my permission, Mr. Potter. It would be quite sad if you could not visit Hogsmeade – legally – as a third year like the rest of your peers."
Harry blushed. McGonagall was apparently aware that he had visited illegally.
"Thank you, ma'am," Harry said.
"Please keep an eye on him tomorrow, Miss Granger," McGonagall said, "Even if you have to hold his hand the entire time."
"You want her to treat me like a child?" Harry asked.
"Mr. Potter," McGonagall, "in my younger days, a gentleman held the hand of his girlfriend on a date. I assume that has not changed in the present."
Harry and Hermione blushed and shook their heads.
"I do hope your new romance is the only truth amidst the latest talk in the Hogwarts Rumor Mill," McGonagall said, "I heard nasty rumors that you tossed Mr. Weasley from the Astronomy Tower."
Harry's eye twitched. "Just gossip, ma'am."
"I thought as much," McGonagall said, "Mr. Weasley may not approve of your relationship, but that does not condone violence. Am I understood?"
"Yes, ma'am," Harry and Hermione said.
"Do you know anything about Mr. Weasley's current predicament?" McGonagall said. "Apparently he has been hexed with random bouts of – ahem – flatulence, of all things, and the Langlock Hex as well. "
"No, ma'am," Hermione said, "We know nothing about it."
McGonagall looked at Harry and he nodded.
"Very well," McGonagall said, "I'm sure you'll be happy to know that Professor Snape is currently attempting to find a cure. Mr. Weasley should be well in no time. If that is all, you are excused."
"Thank you, ma'am," Hermione said.
Harry and Hermione stood and left the office, Neither talked until they were a corridor away.
"I cannot believe that trick with the fake time turner worked," Hermione said.
"Love, it was your idea," Harry said.
"Yes, but still," Hermione said.
"Uh-huh," Harry said, "So... think Snape can succeed?"
"Nope," Hermione said.
"Me either," Harry said, "What do you want to do now?"
"The Dementors are gone," Hermione said, "So lets go outside and find our own private little patch of the Grounds solely meant for the two of us for the next four years. Then we can cuddle until dinnertime."
"I'd like that very much," Harry said.
Meanwhile Albus Dumbledore was making his way to the Hospital Wing. He had been away from Hogwarts for the duration of the morning and early afternoon to discuss the Triwizard Tournament with Ludo Bagman, Bartemius Crouch and Cornelius Fudge. The talks had been underway for a few weeks now, but were just beginning to discuss the meat and potatoes of it.
Of course they didn't get too much done. When Bartemius heard that Igor Karkaroff would be returning to British soil for the tournament, he was spitting mad. It had been he who had failed to keep the man in Azkaban, and had gotten a lot of flack for it. Between that and his son's imprisonment – which led to Junior's eventual death around the same time Senior lost his wife - he had been forced to step down from the Head of the DMLE. Bartemius had once been one step from the Minister of Magic position but his troubles had ended that. He had fought and fought again for the position. But Cornelius Fudge had taken it. Fudge and Bartemius didn't get along well due to this. So that too caused issues during the meeting.
Overall the so-called meat and potatoes were quite raw. Nothing much had been achieved that day. So Albus he decided he had much more pressing issues to take care of.
Because he had been away from the castle, he had not heard the latest dish from the the Rumor Mill. So when he had walked into the Hospital Wing, he was not prepared for the smell wafting from the direction of Ron Weasley. Madam Pomfrey was hovering nearby and, oddly enough, had a Bubble Head Charm on her head.
"Dear Merlin," Albus said, as he applied a Bubble Head Charm on himself, "Did the young man die?"
"No, Headmaster," Poppy said, "Did you not hear the gossip? Someone has hexed the boy with a Flatulence Hex and a Langlock Hex. He can't walk on his bum leg so he can't go take a shower. I can't get near him to do a sponge bath, due to the smell wafting through the Bubble. House Elves will not get near him either."
"Dear boy, who did this to you?" Albus asked Ron.
Poppy's yelp of 'no' was muffled by a choking sound and a very loud burst of flatulence.
"It is no good!" Poppy said, "Whenever he tries to tell us who did it, that happens. Obviously the whole thing is triggered by him trying to tattle on the culprits."
"Perhaps his twin brothers did it," Albus said.
"Nay," Poppy said, "They visited him, but he had already started suffering symptoms. I have also eliminated Harry Potter and Hermione Granger as culprits. They left long before it started."
Another choking sound was followed by a burst of flatulence.
"Sybil came in here earlier trying to pin the blame on Lavender Brown," Poppy said. "She was nowhere near here today. So I gave Sybill a Hangover Potion and shooed her away. She was dancing in the Great Hall earlier, and I knew it had to be due to the drink."
"She recently made a Prophecy that proved to be nothing but a tale about a mouse," Albus said, "Sherry soothes the post trance symptoms."
Albus of course kept several charms on the Seer alerting him when she made a Prophecy. Also all the Orbs created by her Prophecies went directly to him. Many things she said over a period of a day were snippets of Prophecies that needed to be put together like puzzles. It was Albus' current favorite pastime to put together the pieces. Better than ten-pin bowling. Almost as good as manipulating people.
"Mr. Weasley?" Albus asked. "I'd like you to walk me through what happened last night with you, Mr. Potter and Miss Granger."
Ron shook his head. Albus reached into his cloak and removed a large money bag. Ron's eyes widened and he opened his mouth.
The following burst of flatulence burst the bubble around Albus' head and sent him running from the Wing gasping and whinging and muttering about 'removing beans from the menu.'.
Well... that is what little First year Slytherin Astoria Greengrass told the next person she saw, which began turning the gears of the Rumor Mill.
Fifteen minutes later when the story finally got into the ears of Harry and Hermione, who were cuddling in their new spot under a shady tree, their laughter was heard clearly by Luna Lovegood.
The little girl smiled at the sound. She looked forward to the exciting future ahead with her future husband and First Wife,and other sister-wives. She whistled a little jingle about beans being the magical fruit as she fed the Thestrals some raw strips of beef.