He thought he'd ended up at the Nekomimi Stick Club for some wholesome stick-fighting fun, but a blink later he realized he was standing outside the Giant Bird Spin Bar. The emotional drop hit Nara Kazuki harder than a failed summoning jutsu.
"Who are you?!"
His voice drew the attention of the bug-brained Uchiha creep, who turned around, eyes narrowing with suspicion.
Kazuki cleared his throat, adjusted his collar, and prepared to deliver his righteous monologue.
My mind and deeds are as clear as a mirror. Everything I do is in the name of justice!
But before he could get the words out, the Uchiha's expression changed. His cheeks flushed pink, eyes gleaming, and he stepped forward with an obscene smile, hand reaching boldly for Kazuki's chest.
"Hey handsome~ Why don't you come in and play~"
Kazuki froze mid-righteous pose.
"Demon! You want this monk to help you cultivate?!" Kazuki bellowed.
Motherf— He'd come to embody justice, and now this bastard wanted him to be the top in some filthy bromance fantasy?! What's next? He transforms into Dark Winter Big Daddy?
Fury flared. Kazuki launched a Grand Thunder Fireball Jutsu without hesitation. Simultaneously, his shadow wrapped around the Uchiha's body, locking him down tight. His mouth opened, ready to deliver a purification mantra straight from the soul.
Just as Kazuki was about to earn the first village-sanctioned murder badge—and maybe get a forehead curse mark from Black Zetsu as a bonus—he was stopped.
"Kazuki! Calm down!"
Kakashi wiped cold sweat from his brow. Thank Kami he'd changed paths earlier when he saw Danzo lurking about. Otherwise, Kazuki might be walking straight into missing-nin territory.
"...Haaah." Kazuki inhaled deeply, then forcibly relaxed. The burning urge to blast the flamboyant Uchiha into a crater slowly receded. Instead, he tossed a firework into the air like a signal flare of restraint.
The Uchiha's face turned green.
"Damn creep. Next time I see you, I'm beating the crap outta you. Every time. No exceptions." Kazuki snarled, then delivered a vicious kick—broke the guy's left leg. Not that leg, the actual leg.
It was enough punishment. When he got back, he'd be having words with Shisui. Somebody in that clan needed to keep their degenerates on a leash. Being gay wasn't a crime—but forcing it on someone while acting like a discount host? That was unforgivable.
Kazuki even patted his own face in disbelief. Totally normal face. No buzz cut, no round cheeks, no scruffy beard, no tight gym socks or nanping outfits.
"…What the hell was that Uchiha's deal?" Kakashi asked as he pulled Kazuki away. He'd never seen Kazuki that close to blowing up inside the village before. Dude was this close to going rogue.
"…Let's just say he likes men. In… special ways," Kazuki said, his mouth twitching. He recalled the moment the door had opened. The Uchiha had been hitting on a hulking muscle-dude. Poor guy looked like he was two seconds from grabbing a shovel and digging his own way to hell.
Kakashi's face twisted into a look of you've got to be kidding me, then shifted back to neutral.
"You ever visited the psych ward? The village's got one on the top floor. If you've got issues, they can treat it," Kakashi said, tone serious.
Kazuki rolled his eyes.
He liked women. Big waves. Curvy types. Important distinction.
Still, the psych evaluation unit wasn't a joke. Every ANBU had to go once a month, post-mission. Being a shinobi meant living with your head next to a kunai twenty-four-seven. The stress could break anyone.
High-risk, high-pressure work made psychological trauma inevitable. Like those old-world soldiers from across the sea, half broken by the time they came home.
"Now that you mention it, I haven't been this month. You?" Kazuki asked.
Kakashi stiffened. "...Nope."
"Well, let's go together."
As they headed toward Konoha Hospital, Kakashi let out a frustrated sigh.
"Why do we even need psych evaluations? We're already overloaded as shinobi. Can't we just rest at home with a few good books?"
"You never read the ANBU manual?" Kazuki shrugged. "There was this one squad that came back from back-to-back missions and slaughtered an entire civilian family—including one of their own friends."
Kakashi's expression shifted to grim understanding. Yeah, that tracked.
Every so-called "ridiculous rule" in the shinobi world? All born from an even more ridiculous story.
"Sounds just like what happens to war vets off the frontlines," Kakashi muttered.
Kazuki gave him a look of mild envy. Sure, warzones were brutal—but damn, what a grindstone for power. Enemies everywhere. More kills meant more growth.
Once they reached the hospital, Kazuki led Kakashi to the top floor, where the psychological intervention division was located. A few other shinobi were already seated outside. Kazuki registered them both, then sat and waited patiently.
He glanced around. This wasn't his first time here—every ANBU had to go through monthly assessments. The hospital itself was a blend of civilian and shinobi medicine: medical-nin and regular doctors working side by side. Treatment methods varied, but whatever worked best was used.
For civilians, it was usually pills, IVs, or surgeries.
For shinobi, you could get healed with little pain… if you could afford it.
Rumor had it Tsunade once removed someone's appendix without surgery at all. No one knew how. Probably some secret technique.
After a short wait, it was Kazuki's turn. He stood and walked into the room like a regular.
"How've you been lately?"
The doctor was a young lady—with proportions clearly aiming for the "Tsunade aesthetic." Even her outfit mirrored the legendary sannin. Tsunade 2.0.
Kazuki knew the type.
Most of Konoha Hospital's medical-nin idolized Tsunade. She wasn't just a monster in combat—her healing jutsu was second to none. The one who once cured Granny Chiyo's poison.
"Same as usual. Just stamp the papers," Kazuki said with a yawn.