David, in his infinite wisdom and legendary lack of tact, looked down at the two freshly summoned Pokémon and greeted them with the kind of friendly nickname that could cause permanent emotional damage.
"How's it going, Bald Turtle and Eruption Lizard?"
The moment those words left his mouth, time seemed to freeze.
Squirtle, cheerful and innocent only seconds ago, blinked in confusion. Slowly, almost dramatically, its round eyes widened. The poor thing looked like someone had just told it the Tooth Fairy wasn't real and that Blastoise was just a glorified water cannon.
[[Shocked.jpg]]
"Squirtle! Squirt! (Your entire family is bald!)" it snapped back in rage, little fists clenched like it was ready to throw down with a six-foot-tall Machamp.
Charmander, meanwhile, gasped like it had been personally insulted on national television. "Char! CharMANDER! (Your whole family are Eruption Lizards, you flaming eggplant!)" It waved its little arms in protest, tail flame flaring in outrage.
On the sidelines, Luna and Tom both stood frozen in stunned silence. They stared at David like he had just kicked over a sacred shrine made of friendship and Pokéballs.
"Did he just…" Tom began.
"Call my Charmander a lizard?" Luna finished, horrified.
The memory of Bulbasaur—who David had once gleefully dubbed a garlic toad—flashed across both their minds.
Their expressions darkened like storm clouds gathering over a Pikachu picnic.
[Obtained +30 negative emotion points from Bald (crossed out) Squirtle…]
[Obtained +50 negative emotion points from Tom…]
[Obtained +30 negative emotion points from Eruption (crossed out) Charmander…]
[Obtained +50 negative emotion points from Luna…]
"DAVID!" Luna snapped, scooping up her wounded fire-type as if he'd just been the target of a hate crime. "What the hell is wrong with you?! My Charmander is adorable! It is not a lizard! It's a baby dragon!"
Charmander nestled into her arms, sniffling. Its eyes were watery. The emotional trauma was settling in fast.
Luna stroked its back like a therapist trying to coax someone through a breakdown. "There, there… You're majestic. You'll be a Charizard someday. And we'll fly over that idiot and roast his face off."
She glared at David. "TOM! Say something! He called your Squirtle bald!"
Tom, however, was lost in deep thought. He stood there stroking his chin like a philosopher contemplating the meaning of life.
After a long pause, he gave a solemn nod.
"You know," he said thoughtfully, "I think David's got a point."
Everyone turned to stare at him.
Tom gestured to Squirtle. "I mean, it is bald."
Squirtle slowly turned its head toward him, its face a perfect portrait of betrayal.
[[Shocked.jpg intensifies]]
Did love… just die?
The poor turtle's whole body slumped. It looked around at all the other Pokémon in the distance being lovingly cheered on by their Trainers. Then it looked at Tom, who was still nodding like he'd just solved the riddle of the universe.
Squirtle's face practically screamed, Why me? What did I do to deserve this bald-shaming traitor as my Trainer?
Pikachu, sensing the emotional apocalypse happening next to it, padded over and gently patted Squirtle's shoulder. It nodded sympathetically. "Pika pika."
(I too have suffered under David. I understand.)
Just when the mood hit maximum tragicomedy, a sharp ding rang out in David's ears.
[Ding! Water Stone located: 1.9 kilometers northwest.]
His eyes lit up. He turned his head sharply, gazing toward a dense stretch of forest just off the lake. The trees stood tall and thick, cloaked in a soft mist that made it look like the entrance to a magical swamp—or a monster movie. Same vibe, really.
He quickly scanned the area. Luna and Tom were still comforting their emotionally bruised Pokémon. Ling Qi and the rest of the Alliance folks were distracted setting up tents, possibly arguing over how not to hammer their own thumbs.
Perfect.
David leaned over to whisper, "Tom, Luna—I'm gonna go check something out. Back in a flash."
He scooped up Pikachu and placed him neatly on his shoulder. Pikachu nodded like a seasoned sidekick who'd done this a hundred times.
Then David glanced down at the little Ralts nestled in his arms.
"Ralts, ready to bounce?"
Ralts chirped happily. She was always ready to teleport away from drama.
"Teleport!"
Fwoosh.
They vanished in a blink of light and sparkles, like a magician making his assistant disappear—except this assistant was psychic, smug, and actually did most of the work.
Back at the lakeside, Luna blinked at the empty spot where David had been.
"…Is he gonna be okay?" she asked cautiously.
Tom, unbothered, patted the backpack on his back with a proud grin.
"Don't worry. I brought an urn this time."
Luna stared at him, horrified. "You… what?!"
Tom unzipped his bag and pulled out an exquisitely polished mahogany box, glinting like something you'd find in a vampire auction. He held it up like it was the obvious solution to all problems.
"Yup. Just in case something happens to David, we can collect what's left."
"WHAT is wrong with you?!" Luna groaned, facepalming so hard it echoed.
"Hey, it's good planning!" Tom said defensively. "You never know when you're gonna need a travel-sized ash container."
Charmander peered at the box, wide-eyed. Squirtle took one look and quietly shuffled a few steps away from its Trainer, clearly rethinking its life choices.
Still, despite the absurdity, Luna's worry slowly faded. David was strong. He had a professional-level Pikachu who could fry a Gyarados without breaking a sweat. Plus, he had Ralts. If things went south, they could teleport out instantly.
She sighed. "He better not get himself eaten by a Carnivine."
Tom shrugged. "If he does, we've got mahogany."
"…I genuinely don't know why I hang out with you two."
As she comforted Charmander and gave Squirtle a long, pitying look, the forest to the northwest remained quiet, misty, and mysterious—waiting for whatever chaos David was about to bring into it.
***
David reappeared in the thick of the jungle, looking like a tourist who'd just gotten off at the wrong Mystery Zone bus stop. Giant trees loomed overhead, vines dangled from every direction, and bugs immediately declared war on his exposed ankles.
[Ding! Water Stone detected—approximately 100 meters ahead.]
"Nice," David muttered, swatting a bug off his leg. "Hope it's not guarded by something with fangs again."
As he crept forward, rustling through the undergrowth like a kid sneaking snacks past bedtime, he spotted a tense scene up ahead.
In a small clearing, two scruffy Poochyena had cornered an Oddish.
Now, these weren't your usual derpy-looking Poochyena. These two looked like they'd been expelled from Pokémon kindergarten for biting too many classmates. One had a chunk missing from its ear, the other had what looked suspiciously like a scar across its snout. They looked like they ran a back-alley berry smuggling ring.
Poor Oddish was curled up, trembling, hugging something to its chest like it was a newborn baby.
David squinted.
"Wait… is that the Water Stone?"
Sure enough, clutched in Oddish's stubby arms was the glowing, bluish gem David was after. Unfortunately, Oddish looked like it was one bad tackle away from fainting into a coma. It was bruised, battered, and staring at the two Poochyena like they'd just insulted its entire bloodline.
The moment Oddish spotted David and Pikachu standing in the distance, its eyes lit up with hope.
Salvation!
David! Hero! Savior of the Weak™!
Oddish practically sparkled with trust.
Poochyena noticed too. They turned toward David, teeth bared, growling low with menace. Their faces said, Buzz off, this is our mugging.
Pikachu tensed, ready to pounce.
Ralts stirred in David's arms, sensing drama.
David, meanwhile, surveyed the situation. Two options laid before him:
Step in like a noble warrior of justice, protect the helpless Oddish, drive off the snarling Poochyena, and maybe earn the Water Stone.
Or—and hear him out—he could let them duke it out, then just swoop in and grab the prize once the dust settled.
After all, he was many things: sarcastic, sleep-deprived, possibly insane—but above all, David was pragmatic.
So… he casually walked straight past them.
Like, literally strolled between the brawling Pokémon like he was on a scenic nature hike.
Pikachu: "Pika…?! (Bro… seriously??)"
Poochyena: "Grrr?!"
Oddish: "Oddi—?!"
They all stared at him, jaws slack.
[Negative emotion received from Pikachu: +30]
[Negative emotion from Poochyena: +20]
[Negative emotion from Oddish: +20]
David heard the system notification and grinned. "Profit!"
The two Poochyena, realizing they weren't being interrupted, resumed beating the grass out of Oddish. One tackled it headfirst, while the other tried to yank the Water Stone from its grip like a toddler fighting over a toy.
Oddish squeaked in pain, now looking more like a squashed salad than a living creature.
Even the Poochyena were getting tired. Their panting grew heavier. Oddish, meanwhile, was on its last leaf.
And just when it seemed like Oddish was about to become compost—
A figure stepped into the clearing.
Tall. Noble. Determined.
It was David.
Hands on hips. Righteous fury in his eyes.
"The thing I hate most," David declared, posing like a bad soap opera actor, "is watching the strong bully the weak!"
All three Pokémon froze.
…So did Pikachu.
Ralts quietly facepalmed.
Everyone: "….."
If you really hated it so much… why did you just stand there watching like it was a nature documentary?!
[Negative emotion from Poochyena: +20]
[Negative emotion from Oddish: +20]
[Negative emotion from Pikachu: +30]
Even Ralts looked like it wanted to file for a transfer to a new Trainer.
Still, David stood firm, blocking the path between the Poochyena and their victim like a true hero. Or at least a cosplayer pretending to be one.
The two Poochyena immediately lowered their bodies, growling. They were ready for a brawl.
Just as tensions peaked—
David turned around.
He faced Oddish.
Oddish blinked.
David looked down at Ralts in his arms.
"Ralts," he said smoothly. "Use Confusion. On Oddish."
…
The world stopped spinning for a moment.
[[Shocked.jpg]]
Even the birds in the trees went silent.
Ralts paused, staring up at him.
"Lalu?" (I beg your pardon?)
Oddish's eyes went wide in disbelief. It looked up at David like a child realizing the guy who handed out candy was actually just trying to steal its lunch money.
Poochyena looked confused too. They exchanged glances like, Wait, is he switching sides? Is this legal?
[Negative emotion from Poochyena: +30]
[Negative emotion from Oddish: +30]
[Negative emotion from Pikachu: +50]
Pikachu just shook its head and started dragging its paw down its face.
Ralts, still hesitant, raised a glowing hand and fired a pulse of psychic energy at Oddish, who was already nearly unconscious.
The blast gently popped the Water Stone from Oddish's grip, which bounced and rolled to David's feet.
David bent down, picked it up, and admired the blue gem as if it had fallen from the heavens and not from the lap of a betrayed, weeping plant.
"Thanks for holding onto that, buddy," David said to Oddish, who could no longer form coherent thoughts.
"Lalu…" Ralts whispered under its breath, clearly wondering if turning evil was contagious.
Oddish, lying limp in the dirt, looked up at the sky and accepted the cruel, cruel world for what it was.
Above it, David admired the gleaming Water Stone and casually flipped it into his backpack like it was a snack he'd earned fair and square.
True justice had been served… in a roundabout, slightly unhinged, morally questionable way.
As always.
David's eyes sparkled the moment he saw the Water Stone lying on the ground like a magical rock dropped by fate—or clumsily dropped by a badly beaten Oddish.
[Water Stone (Low Level): Can evolve certain Water-type Pokémon. When absorbed, boosts Water-type energy!]
"Oho!" David gasped, eyes lighting up like a bargain hunter spotting a half-off Snorlax bean bag.
Without hesitation, he dove toward it, skidding dramatically on his knees like he was in a soap opera, then quickly snatched it up and wiped the dust off using the corner of his hoodie. He cradled it in his arms like it was a sacred crystal—never mind that he'd just ordered Ralts to blast the poor Oddish holding it.
"Beautiful. So shiny. So mine," he whispered to the stone like it was a long-lost lover.
Meanwhile, Oddish remained unconscious in the grass, petals twitching.
And right then, a system notification popped up in David's vision.
[Ralts leveled up! Now Level 11!]
[New move learned: Draining Kiss!]
David's eyebrows shot up.
"Ralts, buddy! You're growing up so fast," he said proudly, wiping a fake tear from the corner of his eye. "You're now officially past the baby-on-training-wheels phase."
Ralts blinked up at him. "Lalu…"
At the same time, the two Poochyena were still standing there, panting hard like they'd just finished running a marathon in steel boots. They watched David suspiciously, unsure whether to run, growl, or apply for therapy.
David turned toward them with dramatic flair, chest puffed out like a superhero in a cereal commercial.
"I," he declared, raising a clenched fist to the sky, "am the Bloody Dark King of Pacific City! And nothing enrages me more than seeing the strong bully the weak!!"
The two Poochyena froze, eyes wide.
"...Bow?" one whimpered.
The other glanced at its buddy like, Is this guy for real?
[[Shocked.jpg]]
Didn't this guy literally just attack the weak one?
They hadn't even touched Oddish when David strolled in like an off-brand Batman, ordered a Confusion on the salad creature, and then called himself a hero.
"You dare talk back?!" David roared, pointing at them like they'd insulted his hair. "Ralts! Draining Kiss! Let's test that new move!"
Ralts sighed heavily and facepalmed. Pikachu groaned in the background, flopping onto its back like it'd given up on life.
Still, Ralts raised one tiny hand to its lips. A swirl of sparkly pink light began to glow. It looked adorable. It looked majestic. It also looked like it was about to mess someone up.
A heart-shaped beam blasted forward, hitting the two Poochyena square in the snouts. They yelped, wobbled, saw stars, and collapsed in a synchronized heap of fainted fluff.
[Poochyena Negative Emotion +30…]
[Poochyena Negative Emotion +40…]
[Poochyena Negative Emotion +50…]
David grinned at the system messages, rubbing his hands together. "Easy money."
Oddish remained knocked out nearby, looking like it'd just lived through an emotional trauma and a robbery.
Fortunately, in the Mystery Zone, there was some weird magical energy—or "plot armor," as David liked to call it—that protected Pokémon from actual death. No matter how intense the battle, they'd usually just faint dramatically like actors in a school play. Unless the Mystery Zone spawned some maniacal species with a thirst for blood, everyone would live to fight—and faint—another day.
Thanks to the abundance of healing berries and glowy mystical springs scattered around, recovery was just a nap and snack away.
David surveyed the aftermath.
One unconscious Oddish.
Two KO'd Poochyena.
One Water Stone in hand.
And nearly 500 points in negative emotion harvested.
He puffed up his chest again.
"Another win for justice," he announced with a noble expression, completely ignoring the fact that he'd technically just robbed three semi-conscious woodland creatures.
He picked up Ralts like a trophy.
"Come on, Ralts. Help me drag these three back."
Ralts stared at him blankly. "Lalu?"
David pointed at the fallen Poochyena and Oddish with the enthusiasm of someone about to carry free groceries home.
"They're valuable assets, buddy. Do you know how much emotional trauma they just gave me? Almost 500 points in one go! That's like… five times what Tom gave me when I borrowed his lunch and 'forgot' to give it back!"
Pikachu groaned again. Ralts gave a slow nod of reluctant understanding. They weren't shocked. They'd long accepted their Trainer was powered by greed and mild sociopathy.
"Besides," David added, "we can't just leave them out here! I mean, yes, they're unconscious and yes, I knocked them all out, but as a representative of the noble Alliance…" —he paused for dramatic effect— "...it's our duty to protect them. From the wild. And from predators. And possibly karma."
Ralts and Pikachu exchanged a look.
This was the exact same guy who'd walked right past the fight five minutes ago while humming to himself.
David clapped his hands once. "Alright, haul them up. Let's get moving. We've got more trauma to farm!"
And just like that, their noble hero continued on—dragging behind him three victims of his "justice," a sparkly stone in his pocket, and a team of Pokémon who seriously needed therapy.
****
The tents were up, the campfire was flickering gently, and a breeze rustled the grass around the edge of the Mystery Zone's West Lake area—serene, peaceful, and totally deceptive. Because as usual, chaos was not far behind.
Ling Qi, group leader and designated adult-in-charge, scanned the makeshift campsite. Luna and Tom were nearby, diligently training their Pokémon. Tom's Squirtle—who he proudly insisted on calling "Bald Turtle"—was repeatedly blasting water into the air, for no apparent reason except possibly joy and/or confusion. Luna's Beldum hovered stoically nearby, silently judging everyone.
But one crucial person was missing.
"Where's David?" Ling Qi asked, frowning as he looked around. "Wasn't he just here?"
Tom glanced up lazily from his bench, where he was munching trail mix and watching his Pokémon accidentally water a rock. "Oh, him? He said he was going on an adventure."
Ling Qi blinked. "What kind of adventure?"
Tom shrugged. "You know. The kind that involves randomly wandering into a dangerous jungle with zero planning and lots of overconfidence."
Ling Qi's eye twitched. "I specifically told everyone not to run off in the Mystery Zone. This place is crawling with wild Pokémon! It's dangerous!"
Tom waved him off and gestured to a polished mahogany box sitting next to him on a portable stool.
"It's fine, Uncle Ling. I brought an urn."
Ling Qi stared at the box in silence. Then stared some more.
"…An urn?" he repeated.
"Yup!" Tom replied proudly. "Pre-labeled and everything. I figured if David bites it, I'll save time on cleanup."
Ling Qi pressed his fingers to his temples. He regretted everything. Every single decision that had brought them here—especially letting his niece Luna bring these two circus rejects along.
Who brings an urn into a Mystery Zone!?
Just as he was about to march off into the jungle and personally drag David back by the collar, the air shimmered.
Shua!
A ripple burst through the space just a few feet away, and out stepped David, looking smug as ever. In his arms was a Ralts with pale blue hair, shimmering faintly under the light. Slung over his shoulder was Pikachu, who looked mildly traumatized. Following behind like tiny casualties were an Oddish and two Poochyena, all with swirly eyes and the general aura of "we got wrecked."
Ling Qi blinked. He rubbed his eyes.
"Is that… a shiny Ralts?"
David casually adjusted his grip on the unconscious fairy-type like he'd just found it under his couch. "Yup. Fresh out the wild. Cute, right?"
Ling Qi's brain short-circuited for a moment. He'd seen Ralts before, sure—but never a shiny one. Those things were rarer than a slow Magikarp in a blender. Trainers spent years searching for one. Some never found any at all. And David just… popped back from a ten-minute stroll holding one like a free sample.
And it got worse.
David added nonchalantly, "Yeah, both my Pokémon are shiny. No big deal."
Tom, still eating trail mix, muttered, "Show off."
Ling Qi's eyes narrowed. He stared at Pikachu, who was sulking on David's shoulder with a face that screamed "I hate this life." Something didn't look right.
"…Hold on," Ling Qi said suspiciously, "aren't shiny Pikachu usually darker? Yours looks normal."
Before Luna could intervene—and she tried, bless her—David replied with complete confidence:
"Oh, that's because my Pikachu's shiny ability is… its shininess isn't obvious."
The air around them grew quiet. Even Bald Turtle stopped watering the rock to turn and stare.
Ling Qi's eye twitched so hard it could've powered a small generator.
[Negative emotion value +100 from Ling Qi...]
[Negative emotion value +50 from Luna...]
[Negative emotion value +100 from Ling Qi (again)…]
[Negative emotion value +50 from Luna (also again)...]
David stood there, basking in the rising tide of frustration, his smile twitching like he was trying to hold in a laugh and failing. Nothing felt better than farming easy negative emotion points—especially from adults with fragile patience.
"That's a lot of points," he muttered under his breath. "Uncle Ling is a gold mine."
Pikachu facepalmed. Ralts groaned softly in his arms like it regretted being born. Luna, arms crossed, just sighed and looked away like she didn't want to be associated with this circus.
Still, David knelt down and placed the two fainted Poochyena and the Oddish gently onto the soft grass like he actually had a conscience. Which, to be clear, he didn't. He just knew that tending to fainted Pokémon made him look noble.
He pulled out a roll of bandages from his bag and started patching them up with the gentleness of a boy scout trying to impress his camp counselor.
"See? I'm a good guy," David said, carefully wrapping Oddish's leaf. "I saved them from... well, from themselves. And each other. And me."
Luna leaned closer. "Did you, by chance, knock them all out yourself?"
David smiled innocently. "Define knock out."
Ling Qi glared at him so hard, Tom instinctively reached for the urn just in case.
And yet, David kept humming while working, delighted with his haul. Not just a Water Stone, but a shiny Ralts, three negative-emotion-charged Pokémon, and a pile of points large enough to buy at least two Ultra Balls and a snack.
The others could only watch in a mix of horror, disbelief, and silent admiration.
He might be an agent of chaos—but damn, the boy was efficient.