Chapter 86 Snape's Journey
The Patronus Charm Snape cast at that moment displayed both unprecedented power and an overwhelming sense of fragility.
Its power lay in its astonishing realism; a little deer, seemingly formed from silver mist, descended from the sky, joyfully circling him. Its fluidity was unlike anything he had ever seen.
Yet, this unusually vivid reality made Snape feel a profound unreality. He gazed sorrowfully at the Patronus, sensing its intrinsic emptiness. Perhaps, more directly, it was a reflection of his own heart.
From the perspective of his surroundings, he had never felt so close to Lily, yet reason told him it was all an illusion. The names on the books relentlessly reminded him: She's dead! She's dead! She's dead!!!
Crucio!
The pain was excruciating!
From within his own heart, he was indeed plunged into an unprecedented inner turmoil. This turmoil stemmed from Lockhart's words: "Severus, have you ever considered that if you continue along your magical path, it might not be impossible for you to personally deal with him?"
And even earlier words: "If I hadn't died, would Voldemort truly have been killed by Harry?" "Can we truly rely on fate's arrangement for Harry Potter to kill Voldemort?"
"Severus, do you truly believe in fate?"
He didn't know! He simply didn't know! Please, don't ask him such questions!
He had betrayed the idol of his fervent youth, coming to the side of the world's strongest wizard, hoping Dumbledore could kill his idol. Yet, he tragically discovered that Dumbledore's heart was already dead, just like his own. So, he began to place his hopes in Professor Trelawney's prophecy, hoping Harry Potter could truly kill Voldemort as foretold.
However, he ultimately realized that the truth behind the earlier prophecy's fulfillment was Lily sacrificing her own life, and now, Harry Potter, in whom he had placed his expectations, seemed foolish, not even comparable to James Potter.
This wasn't prejudice; Harry genuinely wasn't comparable to James, at least from what he saw now. Why did he relentlessly humiliate Harry Potter? He always thought it was simply because he hated the boy, hated the boy who looked exactly like James Potter.
But he eventually discovered that wasn't it at all. He hated Harry because of his own cowardice! He dared not face Voldemort, so he placed his hopes in this child, Harry Potter, yet the child performed so poorly, driving him to despair.
Harry showed no talent for Potions like Lily, inherited none of Lily's abilities. Instead, he was becoming more and more like that fool Potter, with his Quidditch talent and all—what good was that?
And now, Lockhart, this seemingly insightful and outspoken man, told him: What about you? Have you never considered that you can rely on yourself? You weren't inferior to Dumbledore or Voldemort in your youth; you truly have that potential.
And so, he wavered. But only wavered. Because he was afraid! He was afraid that if he boarded the train to the future, the graceful figure on the platform would no longer wait for him. He was afraid that if he traveled too far and encountered too much, her image would blur in his memory.
This was a desperate dilemma. To protect the only beauty in his life, he dared not move forward. But if he didn't move forward, he might never gain the power to avenge Lily, betraying that very beauty. Would living like this still have meaning?
He now gazed sorrowfully at the Patronus little deer representing Lily, as helpless as a child. "What should I do?" Should he bravely bid farewell and embark on a journey to gain the magical power to avenge her? But he knew that the power to fight Dark magic was goodness. Was he to seek goodness outside of Lily? He couldn't do it! How could he do such a thing! That would be a betrayal!
He looked at the Patronus before him in utter despair, unable to understand why it couldn't become stronger, become his power against the Dark Lord, when it was clearly the only beauty in his life. Could it be... was this beauty truly so fragile, so powerless?
He wanted to retreat. He had retreated too many times in his life. He hated himself for not being brave when he should have been. Yet, he still couldn't help but want to retreat.
But fate was sometimes so cruel. The adventure had already begun. The train had arrived at the station. He stood at the edge of the train's entrance, hesitating whether to jump off and return to the platform.
He knew this journey would truly be different. This journey might mean separation. He didn't want to be separated.
Lockhart had given a hint, hadn't he? Resist the call to adventure, and he would be pulled out of this world. It was simple; he felt he could easily leave this illusory place.
But he couldn't! The children were still here, Harry was still here! Was he to rely on Lockhart, this increasingly eccentric fellow, to protect these children? He wasn't forced to come by Dumbledore; he genuinely worried about these children. After half a year of busy work, when he finally had a holiday to relax, he joined the group without a moment's hesitation.
And so, he despairingly realized that he might be falling into the context of that ridiculous fairy tale Lockhart was talking about. Wasn't this scene exactly like the idea of "not trusting Harry, not trusting the prophecy, so I must gather my courage to personally confront the Dark Lord"?
He closed his eyes in a mixture of despair and resignation. He seemed to hear the train whistle from the platform; the train rattled as it began to move, gradually carrying him along. He didn't want to board, yet he stood at the edge of the train's entrance, choosing not to jump off and return to the platform. He still lacked that courage, merely being pulled forward helplessly by fate.
Damn you, Gilderoy Lockhart!Damn this fairy-tale adventure!
Snape sighed and opened his eyes again. Everything around him began to feel increasingly real. The fans who had chased him out of the bookstore shouted at him in a frenzy. Everyone seemed ecstatic because he had cast such a powerful Patronus Charm.
This was a scene he had longed for in his childhood. From the not-so-bad Spinner's End to the not-so-bad Hogwarts, his life had undergone a huge transformation through magic.
He was so exceptionally talented in Charms, Potions, and Dark Arts. And so, he finally carefully embraced the pride that all talented individuals should possess.
However, that pride was ultimately shattered at that moment, when he was hung upside down in mid-air, his trousers pulled down in front of all his classmates, in front of Lily.
He knew. Lockhart had said it. The journey of a fairy-tale adventure would always lead them to discover their own magical path. Reclaiming this pride—this was the path to reshaping his acquisition of greater magical power.
Even if what he saw now was illusory, the book "Severus's Potions Class" was real, and the wisdom within it was real. Perhaps even in the future, with Lockhart's methods of promoting best-selling books, such a book signing might indeed become real.
And this was the wonder of a fairy-tale adventure. It seemed fake, yet it was so real.
Snape looked almost pleadingly at the Patronus little deer, which was gently rubbing its head against him.
"Please, don't leave me, okay?"
The little deer(Doe) said nothing, only looked up at him.
"Stay by my side always, witness all of this."
He exhaled deeply, finally looking earnestly at these "fans," at his own inner pride, and walked towards the bookstore with the little little deer. He couldn't give these fans that awful "perfectly charming smile" like Lockhart could, but he was sincere enough.
Because the little little deer would always be by his side. Lily was watching.