The night was cold and dark, the stars didn't seem to shine as bright as they usually do and the moon was hidden behind thick clouds.
It wasn't a night that you want to spend outside. Not unless you had nowhere else you felt you could be.
But despite that he still found himself alone on the manor's rooftop, the sharp wind tugging at the sleeves of his kimono.
He tried to sleep but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Every time he closed his eyes, it wasn't rest that greeted him—it was the weight. That crushing, formless pressure pressing against his ribs, coiling around his lungs like a serpent.
Anxiety.
That wretched, bitter thing that turned even peace into a punishment.
He couldn't breathe without remembering. He couldn't sit still without feeling like he was about to fall apart.
The walls of his room had grown too tight, suffocating. The ceiling too low. So he escaped—not because it helped, but because the outside hurt in a different way. And somehow, that different pain felt more bearable.
But the truth was… it didn't. Not really.
Because loneliness wasn't a visitor anymore. It had moved in. It lived inside him, wore his skin like a second layer, spoke in his voice when no one else was around to hear it. He didn't need to be alone to feel it.
That sensation—of being cut off from the rest of the world, of being out of place even in places he was supposed to belong—it clung to him more stubbornly than the chill ever could.
Why is it that, even when someone offers us genuine care and honesty, the wounds of past betrayals still make it so hard to open our hearts and truly trust again?
He was tired, he was so, so tired of feeling this way all the time.
That he wanted it all to end.
"What's the point? I'm so tired of feeling this way. It's easier to just end it."
That was the last thought Tatsuya had before killing himself back on earth, back when he finally thought he got peace.
And now, he was facing it again.
Standing in the edge of the roof top he thought. Isn't is strange how I can take one step and everything just ends?
Just one step. That's all he had to do to die again. To get the peace that he wanted.
"Take one step…." He said to himself "just one…"
And yet, Tatsuya's body, standing on the edge did not move forward.
He broke down, tears streaming down his face. His knees buckled.
He reached down to stop his knees from trembling, collapsing the moment his hips bent. Falling to his knees.
"Why??" He cried out. "Why can't I take just one step?"
It was everything that he wanted, walking of into the sunset and following the light of peace, but he couldn't.
He didn't know why he should live, yet he was too afraid to die.
Afraid of not getting an other chance, afraid of dying for real.
Tatsuya wailed, clawing at the ground at how truly pathetic and unsightly he was.
Part 2
Rain had began to fall, Tatsuya was already soaked to the bone but still he didn't got of the ground.
He wished that if he just laid there the water would wash him away.
Splash…
Splash…
Slow but steady footsteps could be heard coming towards the direction of Tatsuya.
Tatsuya moved his eyes from the ground towards the figure that was coming towards him.
Her long hair, now completely soaked followed behind her.
Tatsuya couldn't see her face because it was to dark to see.
She rushed over to him.
"Hey. Hey. Hey, are you okay? What's going on?" Her voice was gentle, soft, but filled with concern.
Tatsuya wanted to run away, to erase any evidence her seeing him this way.
Like a broken ragdoll thrown aside like the trash he was.
He tried to stand up but he couldn't, not because his body didn't have the physical strength but every muscle in his body was to tired.
Don't see me like this… he thought.
Tatsuya considered everything he could do, he thought of even killing her but nothing could prevent her from seeing him like this.
So he gave up, gave up on everything.
She reached out, hesitating for a moment before running her fingers through his wet hair.
He flinched at first but didn't pull away.
"Shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. It's okay. I know things have been hard lately. I'm sorry it's been like that."
Tatsuya's breath hitched, but he shook his head. "It's not... It's not your fault. I'm just..." He clenched his fists, unable to finish the sentence.
Ruza sighed softly, shifting closer. "No, no, you don't need to apologize. Please, you don't need to. You're not a burden, okay? You're not a bother. And you never will be. Please don't believe that you are."
His body tensed, how couldn't he be a bother? He barged into their lives without them asking for it.
"Come on, come in my arms," she coaxed, gently pulling him towards her. "I'm here. You'll be okay. We'll be okay."
No.. stay.. away..
He was so tired, tired of feeling cast aside, tired of no one ever coming to help him. But she was.
Why… why is she helping me?
Ruza, the girl he just met a few days ago, held him like he was precious to him.
Like Tatsuya was someone she cared about.
This feeling of being loved, feeling the embrace of an other human being, filled with love and affection it finally broke him.
It broke his frozen heart.
He broke down in tears before finally allowing himself to collapse against her.
She wrapped her arms around him, holding him close. He felt cold, but she was determined to warm him up, even just a little.
"I know it's hard," she murmured, resting her chin atop his head. "And I know you just want things to hurry up and get better. You want it all to end... and I wish all this shit would end too. But one thing I don't want to end is you, okay? I want you here, alive, with me."
Tatsuya's fingers curled into the fabric of her sleeve. She could feel his breath against her collarbone, uneven and raw.
"I know you have your reasons for feeling like this. And they're valid. Lots of life is pain, and I'm sorry. We all have to live with these hardships. But no matter how bad it is, I'd like to believe it's worth it to stay."
Ruza pulled back just enough to cup his face in her hands, tilting his head up so he'd look at her. His eyes were red, tired, but he was listening.
"I don't know what you want in life, or if you want anything, but think of all the beautiful things that are out there. Yeah, I know it's dark right now, but this won't last forever. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. And I know they always say that, and people pretend to understand, but it is true. I know it's hard to see sometimes, but in the end, I think life is worth living. And I want you to keep living with me, okay?"
His lip trembled, and Ruza wiped away a stray tear that rolled down his cheek.
"I know things hurt," she continued, pressing her forehead against his. "But we're still going to wake up tomorrow, and we're going to keep fighting together. The sun will rise, we'll see the sky, we'll hear the chirp of the birds. This night may be long, but it won't last forever. And even in the night, there is a great beauty."
Tatsuya closed his eyes, taking slow, deep breaths as Ruza held him.
The silence stretched between them, but it wasn't uncomfortable.
It was warm. Safe.
"So, I know life is full of ugly things and pain, but it's also full of love and beautiful things," she whispered. "Just take a look around yourself. Look at how amazing it is that you exist. You. Somehow, you're here. You're able to feel, to think."
She took a deep breath before continuing "Your able to smell, to see, to taste. And I'm also here. And though I have faults, it's beautiful that I'm able to exist, just like how it's beautiful that you exist."
He exists… It's been a long time Tatsuya had considered existence not as pain but something that could be beautiful.
He just lived every day trying to minimize the pain that he forgot all the beautiful sensations God had given him.
She smiled, just a small one, but it was real. "It's beautiful that we're here together, right now, in this moment. Right now, right here. It's amazing. It's super cool. You can hear me, you can hear my voice."
She traced little circles against his back, keeping him close.
The way she traced circles on his back reminded him of his mother. She used to do that too when he was little.
In a long time the memory of her mother wasn't filled with regret but with gratefulness.
"And, as I've said before, existence is pain, but I think it's also worth it. I'm glad you exist, and I'm glad I exist. I'm glad to be here with you, right now, and I'm not going anywhere. And I'd really like it if you didn't go away either. Okay? Please. I want you here with me and I want to be here for you, through it all."
A companion? A partner? Someone to live for, is that how you call it? Tatsuya forgot what it meant for someone to be by his side.
The only person who truly was, was his sister before she passed.
Sister… he thought. Thank you… for being by my side.
Because of Ruza's words Tatsuya was finally able to say the words he so desperately wanted to say.
"I just need you to remember that all this shit will be worth it in the end. Though, everything hurts sometimes, life is still worth
living. Think of all the things we can do now. Think of all the things we can do together. Think of all the possibilities. Even if one thing doesn't work out as planned, we'll just keep going. We'll be okay because we're
together, me and you."
"Now I admit I may not always know what to say, what to do. I don't know how to
help all the time, but I'm always gonna be right here, willing to listen to you
and willing to hold you when you need it. You don't need to keep all your
troubles to yourself. You don't need to keep it bottled up because in the end
that won't be healthy for you."
"You don't need to talk about anything right now. And I know I've been blabbering
away, not even giving you a chance to say anything, but I can just hold you for
now and we can talk about things when you're ready, okay? I just want to be here with you right now. I want you to stay with me. I know things are hard. I know I've repeated this so many times, but we'll get through it together, me and you. You don't have to be alone."
Tatsuya nodded ever so slightly but it was there.
"Now, think of all the puppies and the kittens. Think of all the food—the tasty snacks we can have, the sunrises and sunsets we'll see.
Think of going for a refreshing swim on a warm day, coming out for snow and coming back in to drink hot cocoa, snuggled up next to a fire.
Think of us staying up late together, hanging out, having fun. The times we'll spend with friends, laughing, smiling, and just existing."
"We don't need to do anything extraordinary, because we're already enough as we are. We can take our time and do things at our own pace, okay? We're allowed to take a break and have fun together.
Think of the nice smells, like the smell of fresh bread or warm cookies, or like
the smell that stays after rain. You can think of all the fun times we'll spend
together and of the cuddles that we're gonna share. We can stay up together until morning and then sleep all day afterwards.
It's not all that bad, is it? There is light ahead. There are better times to
look forward to. We can spend time cooking together. I don't know, eat cake, bake brownies, pies.
I want to do those things with you because I know you're a wonderful person."
His grip on her sleeve tightened, as if afraid she'd disappear if he let go.
Ruza smiled, resting her chin atop his head again.
This girl? He was afraid that she might hurt him. Does she really mean anything she said. Is she really someone he could trust?
Silence settled between them again, but this time, it was comfortable.
"things hurt, and I know it seems hopeless, but it isn't, okay? Please don't lose
hope. Don't lose hope in me and you and us. I know you can do this.
I don't want you thinking that you have to do any of this alone. But I want you to stick with me, please. It's worth it.. I'll be here for you."
It hurt, it hurt so much.
"Ahhh!!!!"
Tatsuya screamed from all the frustration that he had bottled up for over ten years.
Ten years of bullying, being cast aside, ignored, left to his own devices.
And the regret of leaving his family without saying goodbye.
"I know you're tired, you can fall asleep in my arms."
Tatsuya exhaled slowly. "Sorry…."
"It's okay. You're allowed to feel the way you feel. We're human. We have emotions. You don't have to be sorry. You just have to try your best, okay?
I'll be here for you. I know you're
tired, fall asleep in my arms. Don't mind the rain, don't mind the cold. Let it wash away everything you've bottled up."
Ruza's shoulders were soaked—not from the cold rain that drizzled softly from the night sky, but from the silent tears that Tatsuya had finally allowed to fall. Warm and heavy, they had rolled down his cheeks and landed against the fabric of her dress.
Ruza who sat against the rooftops railing has lifted all of Tatsuya burdens and decided to carry it all on her shoulders.
"Let me carry your burdens for you." She said whispering in his ear. "Trust in me as I trust you."
Yes, he wanted that, he wanted that so badly. Someone to trust, someone he could rely on.
And he trust that he could trust her, he wasn't going to run away from his problems anymore.
Tatsuya had looked at everyone like their the same people as they were back on earth, but Ruza denied that.
So many people had ignored him back home but here someone reached out to him without Tatsuya begging for it to happen.
Ruza Davida, Tatsuya belief. No, he trusted that he could trust her.
His breath was slow and her eyelids were heavy.
Ruza gently positioned his head on her lap and closed Tatsuya's eyes with her hand.
"I want you to get a good night sleep, Okey. Sleep well." Ruza voice went quieter and quieter as Tatsuya fell asleep.
Ruza smiled and looked up at the cloudy sky. Rain falling on her face as she closed her eyes.
It does feel nice in some way? She thought. I don't like the rain that much but now it feels nice.
Part 3
Ruza stroked the boys hair who was laying in her lap.
She considered what could have happened to the boy that he almost wanted to comit suicide.
Ruza knew how much he cared about other people.
She saw it in the village herself. Even with that scent, he still got out of his way to help that little boy.
"I am sorry what happened to you." She said softly, Tatsuya didn't seem to acknowledge her.
He was already asleep.
How can you sleep in the rain? He must have been so tired.
A tear run down her face.
She looked surprised.
"Why am I crying?"
She wiped away her tears. But it didn't help.
Mom… Mother…
Ruza cried, she cried because of the boy's pain and because she missed her mother.
Splash…
Splash…
Slow footsteps were heard in the distance.
A maid come out of the dark. Holding a lantern.
It was Misuki.
"Lady Ruza." She said and looked at the boy on her lap. "Is he just asleep or.."
"Shh." She held her finger before her mouth. "Just asleep."
The maid nodded.
"He isn't a cult member." Ruza said turning to him.
Misuki's eyes widened.
"Tatsuya is heavy burdened so his road to recovery won't be easy but I belief we could all help him." She looked back at Misuki. "You can trust him."
"Of course my lady." She replied. "But let's go inside, before you get a cold."
Misuki gently picked up Tatsuya form Ruza's lap and without walking him up she successfully tucked him back to bed.
"Goodnight, sir." She said.
"Sleep well, Tatsuya." Ruza said.