As a group of explosions sounded in the distance, I didn't even bother to turn around and just kept going in the opposite direction. Panic level sprint.
The battle cries intensify behind me. I don't speak their language, but their sonic mess is universal: they're yelling, screaming and dying. A Call of Duty hardcore vibe, but without the respawn.
I may look like a bitch leaving a giant spider on their backs, but hey... it's me or them. And I don't want to end up as eight-legged sushi.
It doesn't matter who wins anyway, the real winner is the one who stays alive.
"Oh, dear humans! Keep that bastard busy!"
I say this with a hint of hope... but given the beast, I have my doubts, but after all, humans have managed to beat up a Guneseven with several of them, so who knows? Maybe they're dungeon speedrunners. It all depends on the Arch Taratect's level in combat, their stuff and, above all, their nerves.
I keep running, turning around from time to time. R.A.S there's not a spider in sight, so I'm hoping that maybe they're holding it back. Maybe they're dying or maybe both.
Note to self: if I ever get out of this labyrinth, I'll have to train myself to take on super-cheated humans, which is awesome.
"Life is like a box of chocolates!... Except that I picked the one filled with shit. Thanks Forrest."
I notice a mini-grotto a little way off. Hallelujah! A wild checkpoint appears!
Unlike the human one, this one's empty. I dived in as if I was jumping into bed... except that my bed wasn't made of volcanic rock.
BAM.
"Fuck, I'm so stupid, it hurts!
[ Pertinent note ]
Tsss... This system is looking for me. Girl or boy? Always a good question. In truth, it may be an ultra-passive-aggressive non-binary entity, but like Clippy in demon mode.
[Aren't you protecting something?]
Shit, he's annoying, but he's right. My brain rebooted, I forgot the baby! I turn my head towards him and see that when I crashed into him like a bag, I'd hit him and he's crying, inevitably.
"Shhh... calm down, my little one, it's going to be all right...".
Note for later: never become a mother. Ever. Not even in a parental simulator.
I'd love to have a healing spell, or a regen item... but here, you don't loot, you struggle. Skills? It's the old-fashioned way: you wait, you suffer, and maybe you get one if the RNG is on your side.
I'm gently caressing the spot where he's hit, trying to look like a 'maternal presence', even though I look more like a goblin stoned on mana than anything else.
And then, sudden revelation:
"System! Analyse it for me, I've completely missed it!"
[ Human baby LV 39 - No name ]
...
NANI?! Level 39?!
What the hell? Either he's a hero in pyjamas, or I don't understand the level system. Did we skip the tutorial or what?
"System, can you explain it to me?"
[Probability of experiments on the child: high. That would explain such abilities. ]
Experiments? Like... scientific? Magical? Elven voodoo? Ah. He's probably talking about the inscriptions on his back. I turn him over slowly, and yep: on the back of his skull, elven runes, and a fantasy-style barcode: 230864. I'd forgotten about the spider.
What the hell is this? Have they labelled it like an Amazon product?
Are elves really in Resident Evil mode now? Experimenting on human babies? Seriously?
I sigh.
Bloody hell... this world really is merciless. Even the kids are going through it. Experiments, absurd levels, magical scars - the whole premium trauma pack before they can even walk.
Anyway, I hope the humans I've happily left in the lurch don't have too good a memory, because if one day I bump into them again and they recognise me...
Ah. Well, I'm in deep shit.
I say that, but in classic isekai, the protagonist meets a princess in the first 30 seconds.
All the time. It's a sacred rule.
So... I ASK FOR A FIX.
"SO WHERE'S MY PRINCESS?!"
Dramatic echo in the cave. Total silence. Even the baby looks at me funny.
It's not that I'm a lesbian or anything - I've got nothing against that, mind you - but if some random noblewoman could give me a castle and a magic allowance, I'd be all for it.
I glance at the baby.
No. You're clearly not a princess.
I lift it with one hand, loot inspection style. Then a thought hits me.
Wait a minute! But I've never checked its sex.
Moment of mock embarrassment.
Careful, eh? I'm not a paedophile. I repeat: NOT. A. PEDOPHILE.
It's just for identification purposes! Like, your character's stats are important!
I carefully lift the little mystery pack, like an archaeologist discovering a cursed relic.
A boy.
Brilliant.
But what do I do with him now? I saved him, yeah, well done me. Well done. Fragile Heart' trophy.
But what next? Do I feed it? Do I bring him up? Do I send him to an adventurer's school for war orphans?
No, because I'm already having trouble surviving on my own, so what's the point of raising a kid on top of that? It's not a Tamagotchi, for God's sake!
I look him straight in the eye.
"You and me, little buddy, we're in a hardcore roguelike. You better get up quick."
I decide to stand up, my bones creaking like an old piece of IKEA furniture, and walk slowly towards the entrance to my mini-grotto.
Why not take a look at the fight in the distance? Who knows, maybe just watching will earn me a skill like [LV1 Viewer]. No harm in trying, right?
As I poke my head out like a paranoid mole, I take a look around.
No monsters.
Great.
"Come on, baby, let's go to the movies.
I turn to him with my best improvised kidnapper smile.
"Are you coming or what?
[The System reminds you that it can't work.]
...
I freeze.
Ah.
Yeah.
Of course you do.
I've literally just berated an infant for not keeping up.
I'm laughing in my own face.
I sigh, pick up my miniature meat pack and wedge it against me. Off to the chaos cave, with the 'free slaughter' option.
But then a thought hits me like a flaming meteorite.
Wait... This kid, he's not burning?! Seriously?
When I landed in this bloody stratum, I nearly ended up on toast. What about him? He didn't even break a sweat! Like, "Hi, I'm three weeks old and I'm tanking the lava".
"System, is it normal for him to resist heat like a salamander on steroids? He hasn't, like, unlocked [Fire Resistance] by any chance?"
[The System is built into every human being, so it's naturally possible. It is therefore naturally possible].
[Clarification: you need to reach level 7 of the [Analysis] skill to consult a creature's list of skills.]
I freeze. My brain displays a large error message.
NANI?
Level 7?!
What the hell am I? Two? Three? I'm not even allowed to look at a baby's character sheet?!
"It's a joke... I'm less informed than a broken Pokédex."
I grit my teeth.
Well, we're still going to see this bloody battle. With a bit of luck, between two explosions, I'll win [Courage LV1]. Or one more trauma. It's fifty-fifty.
As I approach the cave, something goes wrong.
No roars. No explosions. No screams of agony.
Just... human voices.
Human voices laughing. exclaiming. Celebrating... celebrating?
"Wait, what?"
I frown. I recognise that kind of intonation: people happy not to be dead. Or that they had a narrow escape. Or - worse - that they won.
Did they beat that Arch Taratect bastard?
Without being turned into human fondue?
What kind of humans are these? They're not adventurers, they're secret bosses from a DLC?
I approach, discreet, stealthy, a ninja version with a baby in my arms.
I take a quick look from a recess in the wall.
And that's when everything goes to shit.
A shiver. A shadow. Too late.
A blade rests against my throat with the delicacy of a declaration of war.
And a voice whispers behind my ear, as cold as death that has paid its taxes in advance:
"Look who we've got here..."
Oh.
Oh shit.
It's the woman from earlier. The girl with the badass green hair and now I'm the piece of meat on the menu.
And I'm being carted off like a sack of potatoes, still threatened by Miss Backstabber. As soon as we enter, I catch the guy in armour smiling. Well... smiling is a big word, like the guy who offers you a cookie just before he strangles you with it.
I stare at him for two seconds.
He's clearly the boss of the group. Knight McTestosterone. The guy who plays the paladin in every MMORPG and thinks honour is a stat.
"So, half-Oni, you've dared to try and kill us and you've come back to collect the remains?"
I stare at him blankly.
Man. I don't know what you're talking about. You could tell me you like pancakes and I'd have the same level of understanding. Zero.
But I got an idea. I take the baby in my arms and I hold it out to them. Like: "Look, I've got a kid, so I'm not a threat, OK?
Close-up on Ninja Barbie - aka the chick with a knife bigger than my arm - who frowns.
"Why is she showing us a baby?"
The bearded tank, who I'm going to call Gandalf the Disgruntled, scratches his beard as if an answer is about to fall into it.
"No idea, Selina, but it must mean something. Maybe some kind of threat?"
And then another guy enters the scene. He's big, muscular and has a shifty look: Bulldozer-Man. He comes, like, really close to me.
"Do you think she at least understands our language?
And everyone explodes with laughter, as if the guy had just invented humour.
The knight says in a firm voice:
"She must surely understand our language... but just in case..."
He walks over to me and pulls something weird out of his bag, before forcing it into my mouth.
What the hell are you doing?!
I try to bite his hand, but the girl tightens her grip on my throat, and I can feel the blood flowing. Great. I didn't even have time to scream.
"Gried, are you really going to use an artefact of this level?"
"It's only temporary. And since she's an Oni, it's crucial to know where you stand."
Strangely, I don't feel any poison, fever or imminent death... but their language suddenly seems clearer. Understandable. And as a bonus? A good big headache that makes me cough up blood.
"Can you hear us now, creature?"
Wait... can I hear you? No... I understand their language?!
What kind of high-level sorcery is this?!
"System, have you got a useful comment there?"
[Edible artifact enabling temporary language ability.]
What the fuck? They've got way more equipment than me, those bastards...
I look up, a trickle of blood at the corner of my lips.
"Uh... yeah. I hear you."
"Good. You're going to answer us nicely. First: why are you carrying around a baby?"
I frown.
Simple question. Less simple answer.
I hesitate. Seriously. Because when it comes down to it, I don't know what they're planning to do to this kid. Maybe examine him. Maybe finish him off. Maybe... eat him. Who knows, the humans here are weird.
But on the other hand, let's be honest for a second: I'm not going to be able to raise him in a volcano on three monster compotes a week.
I grit my teeth.
"I saw him fall out of a hole. To spiders."
They raise their eyebrows, obviously shaken, and start muttering to each other in low voices. Super reassuring, guys.
Then they wave me on.
I sigh.
"There was a cave. And a hole in the ceiling. Children falling. Spiders eating them. I could only save one... before they chased me like I was wild game. "
Silence.
But for once, this silence weighs less on me.
Talking to people...
Even if it's under threat of decapitation.
Even if they are potential future executioners.
Even if their tongues are still shattering my head a little.
... it's a fucking relief to talk to someone other than this bloody system.
Just as I'm about to continue my impromptu speech as a traumatised survivor, one of the archers grabs the baby right out of my arms.
Without a word. Without a smile. Straight to infant abduction, express mode.
He turns him over, examines the back of his head - like a supermarket expert reading nutrition labels - then turns slightly pale.
"Gried! There's writing... it's elvish."
I raise an eyebrow.
OK, so Gried is the knight's name. Mental note: not super original, but still better than Protagonist #32.
Gried turns his head towards him, serious as an internal bleeder.
"Elvish...? Then it's Potimas."