So there we were, strolling like a budget hero in a romantic anime opening. Except instead of cherry blossoms and saxophone music, I was walking on this dusty-ass path in Inazuma, carrying the literal protagonist of Teyvat in my arms like some cheap bridal scene. Yep. Lumine. In. My. Arms.
My back hurt, my arms were sore, my emotional stability was hanging by a thread, but did I complain? Absolutely not. Because I looked cool. And looking cool is 90% of survival.
"So... how long do you plan on carrying me like this?"
She hit me with the deadpan. The kind of stare that made me question all my life choices. And yet...
I grinned. "I look cool like this. So I'm gonna keep carrying you."
Paimon floated beside us, arms crossed like some divine judgment fairy. "You're just trying to get your chance with her."
"HEY!" I snapped my head toward her. "This is purely out of friendly gestures, okay?!"
In my head: Dear Archons, please don't let Nilou find out about this and use it against me in the imaginary divorce trial of our imaginary marriage. I promise, I didn't cheat emotionally—my arms were just doing charity work.
Lumine wiggled slightly in my arms, arms crossed. "At least you're back to normal now. You were so serious earlier... it made me a bit worried."
She pouted. Actually pouted. I think my heart skipped like five loading screens. I nearly dropped her. Not because she was heavy—Lumine weighs less than a moral dilemma—but because my brain just blue-screened.
Paimon floated over and whispered, "She's turning into a Tsundere. It's your fault."
"Don't push that onto me," I whispered back. "She's been like that since Mondstadt. She literally sent my flying once for accidentally calling her cute."
But honestly... she wasn't wrong. I was serious a while ago. And it sucked.
Every time I get serious, my body gets folded like wet laundry. Let's look at the stats:
Troll mode vs. Childe? I came out alive and slightly victorious.
Trolling again vs Abyss Herald? I bodied the emo thrice.
Serious vs. Aether? Bodied.
Serious again vs. Aether? Double bodied.
Then, serious mode vs. Raiden Shogun? I got beaten to a pulp by both the puppet and the real Booba sword.
Conclusion? Being dumb is a defensive mechanism. Idiots survive longer.
Even Lumine and Paimon agreed. We did a dramatic nod in sync.
"Being an idiot is safer," Lumine sighed.
"The dumb life is the fun life," I added.
We were enlightened. A trio of enlightened fools. But then...
A pause.
A breeze.
A dramatic gust of wind that carried the scent of impending inconvenience.
We stopped.
Before us: an expanse of beautiful, blue, sea-infested death. And the next island was just chillin' across the ocean like it wasn't trying to kill us.
We looked at each other.
Lumine. Paimon. Me.
"So... we gonna swim across or...?" Lumine raised an eyebrow.
I squinted. "If you want to die, please don't drag me into it."
That's when we saw it.
A Waverider.
Just there. Beckoning. Calling to us like a shady deal in a dark alley.
We looked at each other again.
Paimon: "So... who can drive that thing?"
Lumine: "Don't look at me. I don't usually handle that kind of thing."
Paimon: "Yeah, but Shigeru is here. And I can't drive. I can't even sit properly."
All eyes turned to me.
"Why is everyone looking at me like I passed my license test or something?!"
"Because you're the only one left," Lumine said with a sigh.
Great. Absolutely great.
So now I'm driving.
Pray for us.
—
I stared at the Waverider like it owed me mora.
It looked simple enough. Buttons. Levers. A steering wheel. All things I have no qualifications for.
I hopped on, acting like I knew what I was doing. Fake it 'til you make it. Lumine and Paimon followed cautiously, like I was about to fly this thing into a mountain.
"Okay, so what's the worst that can happen?"
"We capsize and die a watery death," Paimon offered helpfully.
"Thank you, Miss Optimism."
I yanked the lever.
We went backwards.
"Wait—wrong gear, wrong gear!" I panicked.
"Do boats even have gears?!" Lumine screamed.
We spun in a circle. Like an awkward Beyblade. Then shot forward like a drunken torpedo.
"WE'RE MOVING!" I yelled triumphantly.
"WE'RE MOVING THE WRONG WAY!" Paimon screamed.
Lumine held on for dear life, eyes wide. "SHIGERU, THIS ISN'T DRIVING, THIS IS A KIDNAPPING!"
Eventually, after what felt like two years and one mini heart attack later, I figured out how to steer. Sort of. Mostly.
We wobbled through the water like a seasick duck. But hey—we were getting closer to the island.
Then a wave hit us.
Then a flock of birds.
Then a random storm cloud.
I was battling more elements than the actual Vision bearers.
Paimon looked like she was ready to cry. "Can we PLEASE land already?!"
"Soon! Soon! Probably!"
Lumine squinted ahead. "You're headed straight into that floating barrel—"
BOOM.
"Oops."
"SHIGERU!"
"I THOUGHT IT WAS A CHEST!"
I tried steering again, only to do a perfect 180-degree turn right back toward the sea.
"WHY ARE WE GOING BACK?!"
"I DON'T KNOW, THIS BOAT HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN!"
We finally docked—okay, more like slammed into the wooden edge of the beach—and stumbled off.
I knelt and kissed the land. "Solid ground. I missed you. Never leave me again. You smell like dirt and safety."
Lumine rolled her eyes. "Let's just get to Tatarasuna before you find another way to almost kill us."
"Don't jinx it," Paimon warned.
Challenge: accepted.
Because this is me we're talking about.
And chaos... is my middle name.
Also, I'm officially banning myself from touching boats for the next thirty years unless supervised by Beidou herself. Or at least a talking seagull.
But we survived. Somehow. Miraculously. And that's the important part, right?
Right?
...Right?
Archons, I can already feel the next problem loading in the distance.
Tatarasuna, here we come. If we make it in one piece, I'm buying myself a cake.
***
Alright, so here's the thing. After surviving the Waverider ride from literal aquatic hell, you'd think the world would cut us some slack. But no. Apparently, life had more spice to sprinkle on this already cursed stew we call an adventure.
We were walking. Yes, walking. Like pedestrians. I felt personally attacked by the lack of teleportation.
Lumine led the way, still looking far too composed for someone who almost got yeeted off a boat by my excellent driving skills. Paimon floated beside her, probably recalculating her life decisions. Me? I was vibing. Dramatic cloak flutter, wind in the hair, eyes sharp like a misunderstood anime villain.
"Are you trying to walk like a model or something?" Lumine asked without even turning.
I nodded sagely. "If I'm gonna die out here, I wanna die with style."
She sighed. Again. That was probably her 40th sigh of the day. New record.
Anyway—just as I was about to compose a haiku about my suffering, we heard voices.
Like, actual voices. Not the usual ones in my head.
Two dudes. Shogunate samurai. Standing nearby. Serious. Talking.
We did what any reasonable fugitives would do: hide behind a bush like a bunch of overgrown squirrels.
I peeked through the leaves like a spy. Or a professional bush.
Samurai #1: "I heard they added a couple more people to the wanted list. They're high-priority targets apparently."
Samurai #2: "But most of our forces are out on the front line. How are we supposed to effectively prioritize them? We'll just have to make sure we keep our eyes peeled when we're on patrol."
My eyes widened. Were they... talking about us?
Samurai #1 sighed. "I wonder how they're faring on the front line. The last thing I heard was that we'd pushed the resistance back to just northwest of Musoujin Gorge. I don't know if that's true."
Samurai #2 retorted, "I doubt it. Their rearguard isn't far from there. We're gaining ground at the moment, but I don't think we've pushed them back that far. Anyway, we should focus on the patrol. Come on, we're up."
Samurai #1 groaned. "Ehh? Fair point... Time to go to work."
They walked off.
I turned to Lumine and Paimon with the most smug face I could summon.
"Damn, they're talking about us, huh? We're famous."
Paimon glared at me like I just confessed to a crime. "Why are you talking like being a wanted criminal is an achievement?!"
I crossed my arms proudly. "We became wanted in Mondstadt, then in Liyue, and now Inazuma. At least there's consistency. I'm proud of it."
Lumine slowly, painfully, brought her hand to her face and sighed. Yep. 41.
But hey, if we were gonna be hunted, we might as well own it, right?
"Alright," I grinned, cracking my knuckles. "Seems like the resistance is at Musoujin Gorge. Let's head there to join the chaos!"
Paimon: "Why does that sound like the worst plan ever?"
Me: "Because it is. But it's our worst plan."
And so we marched. Or well, shuffled dramatically toward the inevitable doom. Again.
—
Now, just as we were getting close to the gorge, guess what happened?
Two more people.
TWO. MORE. PEOPLE.
Seriously, why do we keep walking in on random pairs having suspiciously relevant conversations? It's like we're in an RPG or something.
Guy #1: "Man, I still can't believe we made it out of there in one piece. I thought for sure that was the end for us!"
Guy #2: "Right? I could feel the Shogunate's breath down my neck. I've never run that fast in my life!"
Guy #1: "Nazuchi Beach was a warzone. I saw explosions, lightning strikes—I think someone got launched into the ocean!"
Guy #2: "I'm just glad we escaped. I'm never going back there. Not even for free dango."
Cue dramatic anime zoom-in on my face.
"Nazuchi Beach? That's where the party's at, huh?"
Paimon looked horrified. "No. Don't you dare."
Lumine: "Don't say it."
Me: "We're going there."
Lumine: "He said it."
Paimon: "Of course he did."
And so, with the grace of three mentally unstable heroes, we rerouted. Again.
Destination? Chaos.
Reason? I'm bored.
Mood? Thriving.
I walked ahead dramatically again, pretending I had a cape. I didn't. But the wind knew.
"You know, if we survive all of this, I'm opening a noodle shop," I announced.
Lumine looked at me like I was on fire. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Because noodles bring peace. And clearly, the world needs it."
Paimon: "You need professional help."
Me: "I need noodles."
Lumine: "You need both."
Me: "And therapy. But mostly noodles."
I paused for a second, hand dramatically on my chin. "Imagine it. Shigeru's Noodle Emporium. Open air, good vibes, questionable tax records. I'll even let you guys eat free—on Tuesdays."
Paimon: "You'd probably burn water."
Me: "Rude. Accurate, but rude."
And so we walked. Again. Into the absolute storm that is Nazuchi Beach, ready to either help the resistance or add more chaos to the chaos. Probably both.
As the horizon shimmered with the signs of distant battle—flashes of elemental magic lighting up the sky—I grinned to myself.
They say fools rush in.
Well then, call me Captain Idiot.
Because I wasn't just rushing in.
I was bringing snacks.
__________________________
End of Chapter 55
Quests Completed:
*Accidentally "borrow" a Waverider and almost die in the process.
*Eavesdrop on two patrolling Shogunate guards.
*Learn Nazuchi Beach is the new war hotspot and decide to go there voluntarily.
*Make at least three stupid decisions along the way.
Sub-Quest:
*Confuse friends and enemies alike.
*Claim noodles can solve global conflict.
Rewards:
*+1,000 Adventure EXP
*+1 Wanted Level in Inazuma (Already at 5stars)
*+3 New wanted posters (Updated with lines: Dead or Alive)
*PTSD (Post-Teyvat Sailing Disorder)
*+10 to the Confusion Stat
*+100 Chaos Karma
*+1 New Recipe: "Shigeru Post-Battle Ramen"