White, pristine and ivory, formed fluffy shapes around him. As soon as he laid hands on it, it dispersed like steam. But no, it wasn't steam. The last couple of hours had shown him the sinister side of steam, and he was sure this wasn't it.
It was more like clouds, soothing clouds with no ill intent hidden behind. A smile appeared on his face, like a child finding a new toy, a fascinating toy. His furrowed eyes and widened smile showed a drop of drool hanging from his lower lip as his hand played with the misting cloud beside him. He lay face-first on the ground, whiter than the surrounding clouds. Alan's eyes glimmered with innocent obliviousness, and a chuckle escaped from his widened mouth.
"Having fun, are we?" A voice suddenly broke the serene silence, accompanied by a blurry face and locks of hair hanging beside the vague visage. Alan slowly removed his gaze from the clouds, a childlike chuckle playing upon his scarred face, which remained like a trance for a few moments before the hovering visage cleared, revealing features that pulled Alan instantly out of his reverie of innocence.
"——bhhhaaa!!!——C…Commander… You?!! Wh...wh...what is this place? Where am I? Where are you? What is going on?!!" With the burst of the bubble of obliviousness, Alan frantically gathered himself to his feet, wiping the wet sensation from his face.
He looked at the sternly smirking visage of Longiseus, his features healthy as ever, donned in a pristine white robe. The robe was strangely similar to the stretch of ivory around them, which Alan found equally strange and confusing. He addressed his puzzlement with a barrage of questions.
"Too many questions, too quick," Longiseus squinted, his eyes stopping halfway open, his smile neutralized. His expression emitted a stoic sternness as he continued, "Well first, let's take a seat."
His words became a cue for the surroundings, which changed rapidly. Though little in white could be perceived as unchanged, only the different shapes of the cloudy tendrils gave any soul to the infinite stretch of ivory. Alan felt rushing sensations before they stopped. He felt the structure of a chair behind him, his eyes still cautiously running around, his mind trying to make sense of the eerie, pristine abyss and the form of the unexpected visage before him.
"C'mon now, take a seat, please," Longiseus said, leaning into the air and nothingness. Mystically, the white tendrils around them moved, sliding beneath Longiseus's back and hardening into something black. Dark yet not ominous, it was the only color in the surrounding and became Longiseus's seat. Alan looked around once more, his gaze meeting Longiseus's expectant eyes before he, too, leaned into the sensation and found a comforting seat beneath him.
"So…," Alan began.
"Yes," Longiseus replied to Alan's wandering puzzlement in a light, stern tone that sent shivers of disbelief and eeriness through Alan's body. The voice, the appearance—maybe not the clothes—each inch of the being before him, even the commanding sternness in the eyes, resembled his departed friend. Though he witnessed Longiseus's death with his very eyes, a mound of doubt rose beneath his mind and traveled to his lips. He asked in a low, calculative tone, "You are alive?"
Longiseus's soft face drooped into a complex expression, his eyes holding disappointment while his face hinted at upcoming grimness. This made Alan's vigilant expression even darker as he sat prepared for anything in return for his string of queries, but not for a chuckle.
Then, a laugh burst forth from Longiseus, separating the person Alan remembered in his memories from the one sitting before him. His amused voice almost mocked Alan with his cryptic words, "I knew you would ask me that, but hearing it now feels strangely amusing, so please pardon me."
"So you are ali—"
"Nope, dead. Very dead. I'm not sure what kind of departure my soul had, but I can assure you it is not present here." His cackle receded back into his stern demeanor as Longiseus cut through Alan's erupting understanding, sending him into even more confusion. Longiseus continued, "I mean, you saw my body, right? The withered vessel, I suppose you would call it? And how it disappeared into that dreadful glow and all? Know anyone who had returned or survived from something like that?"
Alan's doubt and suspicion reached their zenith. His tone grew even grimmer, his eyes piercing into the cryptic form of his friend before him. In a low, measured voice, he asked, "So, what are you?"
"I don't know, Alan. It's your mind; you should know better."
"Huh?" Alan gasped, Longiseus's reply shattering his rising seriousness and grim demeanor. Genuine confusion flushed his face. Noting this, Longiseus continued,
"I am not real. I am no soul, no ghost, nor any apparition. I am something your mind conjured up from your memories."
Alan felt an explosion of profoundness in his mind. His eyes swept the surroundings anew, this time catching details that supported Longiseus's statement—the unending vastness, the absence of air, his own lack of breath, no heartbeat within his chest. Even the form of his friend sitting across him, scarless and fresh. Despite this, disbelief still clung to Alan's mind. After a round look, he asked,
"So we…are inside my mind? It all feels so surreal."
"Well, I truly hope so. Being anywhere else in your body wouldn't help us right now. And it should feel surreal, considering how your body is in a deep state of slumber, or stupor, you could say. It's getting nothing but vague and faint sensations from the outside. Everything you feel right now is from inside your body, mind, or soul," Longiseus's tone dripped with sarcasm. But as he revealed the state of Alan's actual body, dread and apprehension filled Alan. His voice stammered and frantic,
"S-so am I going to die? Is this the afterlife? Are you here to judge me?"
"No, no, no, Alan. No need to get hasty. I just told you this is your mind. You're yet to reach that nonsense your professor and those books taught you."
"Then why are YOU here?" Alan asked, finding little solace in Longiseus's explanation. His voice now edged with dread and frustration, he clenched his pulseless wrists, his eyes locking onto the calm gaze of Longiseus, who replied with a deep sigh, leaning towards Alan, matching his seriousness,
"Okay, that question can be answered in two ways. If you're asking what my purpose here is, then it's to help you with the problems you've been having. And if you're asking why me, why your mind conjured me up, that's something only you know. It could be a memory, unsaid words, something you seek from me, anything. But I'm sure I can't leave, even if I want to, until we find that reason and do something about it. And…"
Longiseus's stern voice explained, his fast-paced words answering few questions while raising more in Alan's mind. As Longiseus began to lean back in his seat, Alan's lips moved, only to be halted by Longiseus's eerie foresight. "For the answer to your next question, why am I like this? It's because that's how you remember me. Which is strange. Tell me, did you really think of me as a sassy know-it-all?"
"Well, you are," Alan spat back quickly, frustration and annoyance flaring as Longiseus's presence became even more tangible.
"Okay, man, whatever... your mind, your memories. Let's just begin." Longiseus rolled his eyes at Alan's quick retort, hardening Alan's perception of him even more. Suddenly, Longiseus adopted a new, more serious demeanor. His back straightened against the dark chair, his chin lifted, and his eyes bore into Alan's puzzled ones. With one leg crossed over the other and arms folded, a surreal grimness dripped from his tone, "Who are you, Alan?"
"Huh?" The unexpected question deepened Alan's confusion, his brow furrowing in grim perplexity. He gasped before replying in a calculated tone, "You are aware, Commander, that I couldn't tell you that. And you said I conjured you up, so shouldn't you already kn—"
"Who are you, Alan?" Longiseus interrupted, his tone unchanged. Alan's emotions shifted, trying to grasp the nature of Longiseus's query. Taking a deep breath, Alan squinted his eyes into a feigned smile and replied, "A Raider."
"Not your title. I asked, who are you, Alan?"
Receiving almost the same question again, Alan's confusion intensified, which he voiced, only to be interrupted once more.
"What do you mean, Commander? That is wh—"
"Who are you, Alan?"
"Who are you, Alan?"
"Who are you?"
"Tell me, Alan, who are you?!"
Relentless sternness gleamed on Longiseus's face with each repetition, filling Alan with sudden dread and apprehension. He tried to find the desired answers in his mind, but every possible response was crushed by self-doubt and criticism.
The earlier infinite void seemed to close in on him, the eerie visage of his friend sending shivers down his spine. His muscles tightened, his throat ran dry, a conflict raging in his mind in search of the answer that would silence the grim repetition. Instead of finding the answer, the conflict manifested externally. Alan suddenly felt despairing chills course through his body, followed by a voice lacking any vigor, a broken will evident in its low tone, speaking from his right side,
"An empathetic human."
Startled, Alan turned to see the source. Emerging from his right side was a familiar figure—himself, a reflection marked by suffering and despair. Droopy, defeated eyes held nothing but dreadful contemplation on a face that spoke of a whirlwind of emotions threatening to tear through at any moment.
"Not the emotions or the species. Tell me, Alan, who are you?" Longiseus's form showed no reaction to the emergence of Alan's psyche. Like the unyielding slabs of stone they had been traveling through, he remained persistent.
Another voice echoed in reply, coming from Alan's left side. His lingering dread and apprehension grew even more as another form of him—another emotion—emerged. This one, though ragged like the first, had a determined expression, burning resolve in its eyes, and a sinister smile playing on its lips.
"A perfect Sicarus!"
"Not the skill nor the occupation. What I ask is, who are you, Alan?" The words changed, but the essence and persistence remained the same.
Longiseus showed no reaction to the emergence of Alan's conflict in the spreading vastness of whiteness. Only Alan's face drowned in dread, feeling the tearing pressure from the incarnations of his emotions. His gaze stooped down, his clenched fists trembling. Though he had no heart or lungs present in his body now, Alan felt his breathing accelerate along with his heartbeat. Parts of his broken psyche stood on each side of his trembling body, arguing back and forth against Longiseus's relentless stern query.
"An unfeeling machine."
"Not your demeanor. Who are you, Al—"
"A misguided idealist."
"Not the ideology. Who are you—"
"A cold-hearted pragmatist!"
"Not your coldness."
"A reckless dreamer!"
"Not the nature of your ambitions."
"A relentless taskmaster who doesn't listen to his heart!"
"Not your drive or neglect."
"A sentimental fool who clings to weakness!"
"Not the strength of your emotions."
"A hopeless romantic who sacrifices reason for feelings!"
"Not your earthly feelings."
"A ruthless puppet incapable of love!"
"Not your heart's desires or the failings of your mind."
"A liability driven by emotion, blind to the bigger picture!"
"Not your flaws."
"A soulless monster who sees compassion as a flaw!"
"Not your lacking compassion. What I search for is who you truly are, Alan."
Each repetition from Longiseus was met with a new proclamation from the two figures flanking Alan, their relentless arguments tearing at his psyche. Alan's dread grew with each volley, his mind racing and unable to find the answer that would silence the haunting question. The pressure mounted, his body trembling, as Longiseus's calm yet unyielding presence demanded the truth.
"Wanderer…" Alan replied, raising his lowered gaze, which now held the effects of piercing frustration and clawing insanity brought on by the constant barrage of contemplation and competition between his two selves.
Each statement from either side added weight to the already frayed rope of self-contemplation, pulling out the deeply buried stone of grief and despair in Alan's heart.
It began piercing through his skin, threatening to tear apart his chest and unleash screams of helplessness and despair. But it all halted when he remembered a word, whispered to him in a sweet voice through scarlet lips—a memory buried deep alongside his grief. Alan didn't hesitate before muttering it, unaware that it would silence the screaming fragments of his psyche on either side or the form of his friend across from him, who smiled at his reply and moved to the next question.
"A wanderer... and why did this wanderer come here?"
"For my mission!" his left side, brimming with endless vigor, replied to Longiseus's question. Longiseus remained silent, the smile holding its grace as his eyes stayed fixed on the Alan sitting across from him, who wore an expression of deep contemplation.
"To find something new!" Alan's right side retorted back with tears, but even these words didn't break Longiseus's gaze. It was as if he knew the answer he sought would emerge from the lips of the Alan trapped between his two distinct psyches.
"Following the orders of my motherland!"
"In search of something unseen!"
"To get what I wanted!"
"To feel something new!"
"To show my loyalty to my liege!"
"To understand the world!"
"Answers…" Finally, Alan spoke, his face contorted with mounting frustration from the relentless shouting on either side. Desperate for peace in the whiteness that had once seemed soothing but now crawled toward him with biting cold, Alan's patience hit its limit. He continued, "I came here seeking answers."
"Answers… about what?" Longiseus's lips moved, his once eerie smile transforming into a stern line. This time, Alan didn't remain silent, nor did he give his sides a chance to speak. He replied himself,
"To nothing."
"Interesting… and what did you find in this nothingness?"
"Unexpected."
"And what was this unexpected?"
"Love…"
"Really? Love… you mean love in..." Longiseus paused, his gaze rising in contemplation. He scratched his chin, then pointed towards the see-through tendrils of clouds. As if on cue, they formed into a mirror showcasing the tapestry of Alan's memories—scenes from the academy, moments with friends, their adventures. Alan's eyes moved towards these flashes, a mild smile forming on his lips as he relived the joyful memories, with Longiseus's words echoing in the background,
"These moments? Love for these people? Or love for her?" Suddenly, Alan's smile turned into a frown of contemplation as the mirror focused on Relecta's face. It now showed only joyful, happy memories of him and Relecta, from their first gaze to their first kiss. But none of this brought happiness to Alan's face, for his heart anticipated the upcoming question. Longiseus leaned forward, piercing Alan's soul with his gaze,
"Tell me, Alan, what do you think of her?"
Alan stayed silent, his eyes fixated on the repeating tapestry of moments with his wife. Longiseus's question reverberated in his heart, a question that seemed simple but uncovered something Alan preferred to keep hidden, burned away if possible. But it wouldn't, and just like the stone of grief, it too emerged through the voices on his sides.
"Our only anchor, the solace without which we would be lost," spoke his right side.
"A liability, a distraction from the mission that gave us purpose for living!" retorted his left side, his volume rising.
"No! She is the love we always searched for!"
"No, she is the weakness that almost got us killed! Many times!"
"No, she is the reason we are still alive! Even in this horror, in this dread!"
"Don't fool yourself! Look at us, look at him! She is the reason why we are in this hellhole!"
Alan's heart pounded as the conflicting voices argued, each side pulling him in opposite directions. The question from Longiseus continued to echo in his mind, demanding an answer he wasn't ready to confront.
As the back-and-forth of his fractured psyche continued, Alan remained silent, trying to tune out the hurtful words about his wife. His frown, etched with the piercing pain in his heart, betrayed the feelings of longing that lingered in his gaze, fixated on the endless flashes of happy moments with his love.
He didn't react to anything at all. It was Longiseus who reacted, looking at the bickering personas of Alan with a strange amazement and commenting,
"Whoa… that is emotion. Lots of complex emotions and all about the person you love. I wonder, what do you think about me?" Longiseus first looked at Alan's silent form before turning towards the flashing tapestry. Suddenly, the scenes, the memories, shifted to moments between Alan and Longiseus—from words that had drawn Alan's attention to the final view of Longiseus turning into a speck of glow. Yet, Alan didn't react to the flashes. His features remained contorted with the same pain, his eyes and sealed lips unchanged. Longiseus asked,
"So, tell me, Alan, your thoughts on u—"
"Pretentious know-it-all!"
"The true leader!"
"A coward, who, despite having all the power he needed, chose a weak death!"
"An exemplary husband, who stayed with his wife till the end."
Suddenly, the subject of Alan's psyche's bickering shifted. The complex words now hurled towards Longiseus, fueled by the memories, broke the silence of Alan sitting across from him. Longiseus looked at Alan, the introspection in his eyes deepening with a teasing remark that soon began to dig into the depths of Alan's heart.
"You know, Alan, it doesn't matter if you stay quiet and unresponsive. It won't change the nature of any single word said by these two. Whatever they say is something you have thought, will think, or are thinking, because they are nothing foreign. They are you, two sides of your mind."
As Longiseus spoke, the tapestry of memories faded back into the translucent tendrils of cloud, merging into the vastness of ivory around them. But even the vanishing of the flashes didn't break Alan's gaze, because now he wasn't looking towards the white horizon. Instead, he was looking into the abyss within him, lost in contemplation. Longiseus leaned towards Alan, his words accentuated by the relentless conflict of Alan's splintered psyche.
"But you know why I still remain, even though the folds of your character are laid open before me? It's the heart that remains inside you, hiding deep within that conflicted vessel of yours. The heart that took control when this happened."
Suddenly, the mirror of memories appeared before Alan's eyes, not from the cloud tendrils but from the nonexistent air. This finally changed Alan's emotion, pulling him back from his reverie of contemplation.
His widening eyes relived the moment when she struggled within the ruthless grip of Venatus, the life-sucking tendrils of the water siren, or the moment when his love declared her hatred towards him—fabricated though it was. He recalled moments when his body felt the deathly rush of blood, his eyes contorted in agony, his beating heart suffering with desperation and despair. This was the heart that guided his limbs, his body, and made him jump right into death for his love. This was the heart that Longiseus intended to speak to as he continued,
"What is hidden deep in that heart that causes this self-destruction? Is it a memory from the long-lost past? A haunting scene you'd rather forget? A visage? A beautiful pale skin, a pair of scarlet lips, a melodious voice, a sea-deep gaze—is that what causes this conflict, breaking apart the happiness you desperately crave? What is that feeling? This thinking, this curse that seems to return every time you feel a shred of happiness in your life? What is this pain that makes you blind to the love she wants to give you?"
The scenic flashes of dreadful memories stopped with Longiseus's last yelling words, suspending on the teary visage of Relecta. This only amplified the pain, irritation, and mounting frustration in Alan's heart and contorted features, all exacerbated by the constant hateful sounds around him. Finally, a raging glare and growl escaped his lips, directed at Longiseus, who replied with a sudden shift to calmness and nonchalance,
"Hey man, don't look at me like that. I am just another part of your soul too, who just wants to know—what does your heart want?"
Alan's piercing glare remained fixed on Longiseus until he turned his gaze downward, closing his eyes. He let a deep sigh escape his lips before raising his eyes again to meet Longiseus's eager, expectant gaze. A stern calmness settled into his voice as he spoke, standing up.
"You want to know what my heart thinks, hmm?" Suddenly, Alan's voice tightened, his fist clenched, and his teeth gritted. His eyes flared with a frustration that had been simmering beneath the surface. In an instant, he bellowed, a burst of anger that calmed his conflicting selves and sent cracks spidering through the ivory surroundings.
"It SAYS ENOUGH!" His words struck like a hammer against the dome of whiteness around them, cracking the ground and shivering the air. Alan continued, his voice resonating with newfound strength.
"My heart thinks they are right, but they are wrong! It thinks emotions have guided me toward failures, but they've also saved me from trouble. It thinks feelings have made me weak, but it also knows they're what keep me together right now. My heart says my dreams and wishes have culled my happiness, but it also believes that even after this unending horror, they are what drive me forward. My heart... it knows that seeing death after death has made me numb and unfeeling, but it also makes me appreciate the small moments of joy with the ones I love. My heart knows that loving her makes me vulnerable, even weak sometimes, but it also knows that now, she is where my true strength comes from. And now it also knows that feeling conflicted, regrets, even this dreadful contemplation may feel sad and hurtful, but it needs them. I need them to grow further. It remembers every single face that has lived inside it before her. It remembers the crushing pain it felt after they left it alone in this cruel world. It remembers the loneliness it felt when it couldn't see them anymore."
Slowly, word by word, Alan's frustration depleted. The ivory vastness beneath the spiderweb of cracks now held different memories of Alan's past. His features calmed, as did his voice. The bickering and conflict faded into the background, replaced by an almost teary-eyed resolve. He looked at Longiseus, who smiled in satisfaction, and as Alan continued, the two parts of his splintered psyche moved forward and began to merge with his words.
"But you know what? My heart also knows the feeling it felt when it saw her, the emergence of unexpected love, the whirlwind of emotions it felt with each step it took with her. She may be a handful, but this heart is grateful to have her, and it will fight again and again just to keep her smile. Because it loves her."
"And there! My work is done, I suppose," Longiseus exclaimed, standing up from his seat. With his ascent, the crackling fragments of memories shattered like broken glass, turning into a crimson glow that traveled through Alan's chest into his heart. Despite his lungs not breathing, he felt the gasping recoil of his relentless retort. The dissipating glow left behind a soothing darkness, in which Longiseus began to retreat without any farewell when Alan suddenly called out.
"Commander!"
"Yes, Alan, need anything?" Longiseus asked, turning with an amused gaze.
"Where are you going?"
"Back to your memories, I suppose. Why, need something?"
"Why?"
"Well, I've done what I came for. Your mind is clearer, your heart a little more hearable, I guess."
"I guess…" Alan replied, taking a deep breath. His face showed no more concern, despair, resolve, or determination—just a simple expression, a soft smile, and half-closed eyes.
What Alan did next, what he said, all came from his heart. The blood in his body flowed like a tranquil river, guiding his limbs as he suddenly approached Longiseus and pulled him into a tight embrace, resting his closed eyes on Longiseus's confused and puzzled shoulder. Before any words asking for an explanation could come out of Longiseus's mouth, Alan spoke with inner peace, forming the words in his soft voice.
"You know, I'm somewhat sure this is all caused by Svengali and Leaves, but I think I know why you are here, and I am glad you are here, Commander."
Alan's words wiped away Longiseus's puzzled expression, replacing it with a tranquil calm that shone in the soothing darkness around them. Though taller, Longiseus could feel the calm beating of Alan's heart. It was the sound he had come to find, the warmth he had come to spark back. His purpose now nearing completion, he too wrapped his suspended hands around Alan as Alan continued.
"I feel sad, Commander, not only because you left me alone in this hellhole when I needed you most, but because there was always a lingering hope that we would get old together."
"Err... tha—"
"No need to retort, man. I knew you hoped too. I know these weren't the best circumstances, and I don't know what you think, but to me, you were a friend I never asked for but am glad I had."
"I thought I was a coward and weak?" Longiseus teased with an amusing chuckle.
"Hey, at least I'm admitting it, unlike you trying to avoid the topic like a girl. Anyway, I know why my subconscious took your form."
"Oh, is that so? Well, do enlighten me."
"It's because if I had suppressed these feelings—the frustration, the grief, the sadness, the fact that I had so much to learn from you—I'm sure either my head would have exploded or my vision would have remained blurry forever. There would always be a tingling guilt in the corner of my heart that would torment me for not giving you the farewell you deserved. So, Commander!"
Tears welled up in Alan's eyes, flickering out as he moved away from the melancholy embrace of Longiseus. Longiseus smiled with understanding, knowing he was just a formation of Alan's memories, not the real person or his soul. Every word that came out of Alan's mouth next was filled with genuine emotion. Alan's expression was stern, hiding a whirlwind of longing and grieving sadness as he continued.
"You were a soul gone too soon. I wish—really wish—you could have seen yourself losing to me in taking the last shot at whatever is waiting for us up there. That would have been a moment to remember. But don't worry, I will remember you when I slice off its head. So, with that, I can say that I will miss you, but I won't—that's too cheeky, as you used to say. So, Commander Longiseus Holdhearth, accept this farewell until we meet again!"
With words that held a lot of meaning, despite the fast pace and nonchalance with which Alan blurted them out, he stood at attention for a few moments in respect for Longiseus.
But for Longiseus, this was enough. Even as a formation of Alan's memories, he knew Longiseus's demeanor well enough to understand that neither of them handled wet emotions particularly well. This was evident as Longiseus responded to Alan's farewell with a chuckle, followed by teasing words.
"Well, now who's acting like a little girl? Even though I am just a conjuring of your subconscious, I possess some of Longiseus's core memories. I know I wouldn't be wrong in saying, Alan, I really wished our time together could have been longer. I wish the circumstances were different. If they were, I'm sure you would have been one of the proudest members of the Crimson Army—a part of my family. But whatever happened, it was my choice, and I'm not going to toil over it. So, my friend, moving forward, all I can give you is my blessing and hope that you can return to our world and lead a life I always dreamed of. Goodbye, Alan. Farewell, my friend."
They exchanged joyous smiles, squinting gazes locked, waiting for the other to dissipate from this soothing world. When Longiseus's form still lingered before Alan's eyes, confusion crept onto his face.
"Shouldn't you be...like...?" Alan asked.
"Oh, no, no. I am part of your memories, your soul. This is my home. You are the guest in this abyss of subconscious," Longiseus explained, clearing Alan's confusion and prompting him to look around the calm vastness of darkness. Understanding his words, Alan scanned his surroundings for an exit before asking,
"So...what do I need to do?"
"Just say those beautiful words, while keeping the visage of your love in mind."
"Won't it work if I say, 'I hate you!' looking at you?" Alan teased, a smug smirk on his face.
Longiseus reciprocated with the same expression. "Well, wouldn't you like that, huh? But no, you need her to get out of this and the abyss outside. So, anytime now."
The smirk faded from Alan's face, replaced by a soft smile directed at Longiseus. He turned, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. The abyss of darkness around him transformed into scenes and flashes of Relecta's smiling visage and moments of love between them. Seeing this, Longiseus smiled as Alan's calm lips moved and he uttered under his breath,
"I love you...Relecta." From those scenic memories, a bright veil of light emerged, enveloping everything until nothing but the same ivory vastness remained on the horizon of infinity.