Chapter - 24 - Mental illness…
This little episode didn't dampen Wine's spirit. His ability to withstand the blow was good. It's not like it didn't happen before.
But the thing he felt bad about was…
Why did he talk of the future? What future did he even need with a man?
"I should be calm, or even a punch would be better."
He muttered, regretting his actions.
"The past can't be wiped out as I wish. I still have the thinking of a woman. What the hell!!! Can't I think of him as a wife rather than me? Shit!!"
Wine pulled his hair in desperation.
"It should be I can't take responsibility for you instead of you can't take responsibility for me. Ugh…"
"Who do you want to be responsible for?"
A whisper took Wine's wandering thoughts back to reality. When he looked around, he could see he was already at the gate. Anawar was walking behind him, with both hands in the pants pockets.
"No. Nothing.."
Wine gave him a double negative answer. He didn't want to advertise his disgraceful event. Then again, Anawar was also suspicious. He was too clingy for a man. What if…
"Anawar…"
"Hmm?"
"You are not gay, right?"
Wine stared at Anawar's face after asking him this question but Anawar's expression didn't change. He tilted his head and asked back with an innocent look.
"What is gay?"
"That's good. That's good. It's best if you don't know it."
Wine patted his chest. He was more satisfied with this answer than "I'm not". It's not that Wine was naive to believe it. Before the internet explosion around 2012, homosexuality was a thing most of the people didn't understand.
If it was not for the bold "yaoi" novels, Wine was afraid that he didn't have this kind of useless knowledge. The first pit Wine fell was "untamed" but the book version. The omega verse writing styles didn't fail to impress him later. However, in 2007, there was no internet, no yaoi novels, no celebrities selling rotten. The possibility of a man being a gay was as small as a needle from heaven and a needle from the earth met in the middle in this country.
It didn't mean this country doesn't have homos, it's just that, they didn't even know if they were homos. If they have no interest in opposite sexes, they just become old bachelors or old spinsters. It was not a disgraceful thing anyway.
Anawar didn't follow the leaving boy. He stopped his step and stride towards the back of the teaching building. There was a pack of chewing gum in his pocket, leftover from the day they watched a movie. He unpacked a piece and put it in his mouth. Chewing something when thinking could make him focus more.
Indeed, he knew what was gay. Him being a gay..? He didn't think so. He likes Wine, not any other man. He had the urge to vomit when he thought of hugging a man. He shouldn't be gay. There was even a saying "love doesn't have gender", right?
Should he coax Wine first to make him let down the guard? He should get used to his existence before he takes action. That's it…
Anawar walked back to the dorm with peace of mind.
Dinner was as disappointing as ever. The roselle stew was sour and the rice was still smelly. Wine finished the rice with an expressionless face. He got used to it after a few weeks.
He laid on his back on the bed after dinner. His mind drifted away from the thoughts. It was the most zen moment ever since he was at college.
"I have something to say to you in private. Can we get a moment?"
Anawar's handsome face enlarged in front of him. Wine had a psychological shadow on private conversation but he thought he should have basic trust between friends.
"Sure.."
"Come with me. It's something about my weakness. So.. I hope only you can hear it."
Wine groaned helplessly.
"Can I regret it? I don't want to know, bro.."
"No. As a friend, you have an obligation to help me."
Anawar pulled his arms and helped him get up. He took him towards the big tree behind the teaching building. Wine's face turned black due to his poor choice in privacy.
"Please… It's not like we are dating. As for choosing a grove to talk to…"
What to say..
This place should be a holy place for dating. The tree was big enough and the branches were thick enough to hide a few couples.
"Don't you ask me why I attended the education college even though I don't like being a teacher?"
"Yeah. You don't lack money so you shouldn't lack jobs. I wanted to know but not much. I am not that gossipy.."
Wine rolled his eyes. To Anawar, this inelegant eye roll was as lovely as a wink.
"But I want you to know.."
"But I don't want to know.."
"I have a little problem here.."
Anawar's finger tapped his temple, making Wine to roll his eyes again in a not so elegant way.
"Don't believe me?"
"No way!!"
"Well. I am a bit obsessive or should I say.. possessive? I dislike my own things being touched by others. I dislike others touching me too."
"I dislike it too. But that doesn't make you crazy."
"But you don't want to beat them up, right? Also, I never want to touch other people or their things. I found them dirty."
Anawar replied to Wine's retortion. Wine had to believe him because his eyes were way too serious.
"I wanted to beat them up and I have beaten them. My mom said my condition is a bit serious. So.. Here I am. I came to learn about the teacher's selflessness, according to my mom. She said I would have trouble in society if I were to live the same way."
"Oh. I haven't noticed that. I thought you were just a bit cold to others. Weren't we fine though?"
Wine tilted his head,asking the part he didn't understand. They slept in the same bed. Their clothes were mixed sometimes. If Anawar's condition was that serious, he would be the one who got beaten up.
"This is what I want to talk to you about. I haven't found you unbearable since the first time we met. You became the first person I could touch without disgust. You are my first and favourite friend, Wine.
So I hope you can bear with me if I get a bit clingy and possessive of you.
I only have you as a friend…"