The night air in the canyon near the Stormterror's Lair ruins was cool and heavy, the faint scent of moss and dark magic lingering like a storm cloud. The campfire at the center of the group's makeshift encampment crackled, its flames casting a warm glow that pushed back the shadows, illuminating the sleeping bags laid out on the rocky ground. The surrounding canyon walls rose high, their jagged surfaces etched with ancient Anemo sigils that glowed faintly in the moonlight, a reminder of the ruins' storied past. The distant howl of a wolf echoed through the night, a haunting melody that underscored the tension of their mission to save Teucer, the Wind Dragon, from the Abyss Order's control.
Xander sat on a rock near the fire, the Shadowfang Blade resting beside him, its dark steel glinting in the firelight. The Power Blade, a spectral greatsword he'd recently acquired, had proven its worth in the canyon earlier, its raw strength a perfect complement to the Shadowfang Blade's precision. He was content, the day's battles behind them, and the second creation broadcast providing a much-needed moment of levity. Jean sat nearby, her blue cape draped over her shoulders, her Anemo Vision glowing faintly at her waist. Her blonde hair caught the firelight, a few strands escaping her tight ponytail to frame her tired face as she watched the broadcast with a small smile. Eula sat on her sleeping bag, her silver-blue hair shimmering like frost, her Cryo Vision glowing at her hip, her expression a mix of amusement and disbelief as she polished her claymore. Ying sat cross-legged, her golden eyes warm with the fire's glow, her blonde hair shimmering as she laughed at the video, her sword resting beside her. Paimon hovered nearby, her starry cape fluttering as she giggled uncontrollably, her tiny body shaking with each burst of laughter.
The virtual screen of the Teyvat Second Creation broadcast room glowed above the campfire, its ethereal light casting a soft blue hue across the camp. The video, titled "The General Who Can't Cook," had already caused a stir across Teyvat, its protagonist none other than General Raiden—Ei, the Electro Archon of Inazuma. The revelation that even the Seven Archons were fair game for the second creation videos had sent shockwaves through the audience, particularly among the gods themselves. Zhongli and Venti, watching from their respective corners of the continent, were visibly rattled, their attempts at nonchalance betrayed by the nervous undertones in their chat messages.
The video had already shown Ei's disastrous attempts at cooking, from setting the kitchen on fire to crying in Kujou Sara's arms. Now, with Xiangling brought in as her culinary teacher, the chaos had only escalated. The scene unfolded in the Tenshukaku's newly rebuilt kitchen, its wooden counters polished to a shine, its shelves stocked with fresh ingredients from Inazuma and Liyue—fish, rice, lavender melons, and a variety of spices that filled the air with a tantalizing aroma. The walls were adorned with paper screens painted with cherry blossoms, the faint scent of incense lingering in the air, a stark contrast to the chaos about to unfold.
Xiangling stood at the counter, her blue hair bouncing in its twin tails, her Pyro Vision glowing at her waist. Her red and gold outfit was vibrant against the muted tones of the palace, her enthusiasm undimmed despite the challenges she'd faced over the past few days. Guoba, her tiny bear companion, toddled around her feet, his round eyes blinking curiously as he sniffed the air. Ei stood beside her, her violet eyes narrowed in frustration, her blue dress a simplified version of her usual attire, her long braid swaying as she moved. Her Electro Vision sparked faintly at her waist, a sign of her growing irritation.
Xiangling had taught many people how to cook in her time as a chef, but never had she encountered a student as challenging as Ei. It was, in her own words, "absolute hell." Ei's culinary talent wasn't just lacking—it was a void, a negative number that defied all logic. She couldn't crack an egg without knocking it out of the bowl, the yolk splattering across the counter in a messy arc. She couldn't season a dish without going overboard, dumping an entire jar of salt into a pot of soup, rendering it inedible. And somehow, every time she tried to fry something, the oil would catch fire and explode, the flames licking at the ceiling as Xiangling scrambled to douse them with a bucket of water.
But what baffled Xiangling the most was Ei's inability to cut vegetables. As the Electro Archon, Ei's swordsmanship was unparalleled, her blade capable of cleaving through enemies with precision and grace. Yet when it came to slicing a simple carrot, her hands shook as if she were a novice, the knife wobbling dangerously as she hacked at the vegetable, leaving uneven chunks and a mess of scraps on the counter.
After days of this, Xiangling's patience had worn thin. She stood with her hands on her hips, her expression a mix of exasperation and disbelief as she watched Ei struggle with a potato. "You've never cooked meat, have you?" she asked, her tone sharp with frustration.
Ei's eyes flashed with indignation, her voice rising as she snapped back. "I have wasted a great deal of patience on this… endeavor," she said, her tone laced with irritation. "I think you haven't been teaching me seriously at all—otherwise, how could I not cook well?"
Xiangling threw her hands up, her voice rising to match Ei's. "I've been teaching you with all my strength—I've never been more serious!" she exclaimed, her cheeks flushing with frustration. "I've shown you every step, every technique—how is this my fault?"
Ei crossed her arms, her expression skeptical. "Really? I'm not so sure," she said, her tone dripping with doubt.
Xiangling's eye twitched, her patience finally snapping. "My goodness, can you at least chop vegetables properly?" she asked, her voice a mix of disbelief and exasperation.
Ei's irritation flared, her violet eyes narrowing as she shot back, "What? I don't recall you ever teaching me how to chop vegetables."
Xiangling stared at her, her mouth agape. "You're the Raiden Shogun!" she exclaimed, her voice rising in pitch. "You're telling me you need lessons on how to chop vegetables? You should let Mei next door teach you!"
Ei's eyes widened, her expression darkening with anger. "Are you mocking me?" she demanded, her voice a low growl as her Electro Vision sparked ominously.
Xiangling crossed her arms, her tone unyielding. "I'm telling the truth," she said, her voice firm despite the crackling energy in the air.
Ei's temper flared, her voice rising as she shouted, "No!"
Xiangling, now fully fed up, threw her hands up in defeat. "Slimes could cook better than you!" she exclaimed, her tone a mix of frustration and disbelief.
Ei's eyes flashed with fury, her voice a snarl as she shot back, "Oh, please—the Qiuqiu people are better than you!"
Xiangling's jaw dropped, her frustration boiling over. "I'm done—I'm going back to Liyue right now! I can't stay in Inazuma for another second!" she declared, turning on her heel to leave. As she stormed out, she muttered under her breath, "You've got the face of a married woman, but you're a complete disaster!"
Ei heard the comment, her face flushing with anger as she spun around. "What did you say?!" she shouted, her voice echoing through the kitchen as she faced Xiangling's retreating back.
The two stood back-to-back, their tempers flaring as the video faded to black, the words "Video ends, thanks for watching" appearing on the screen. The broadcast room announced the rewards: Ei received a super corrosion-resistant rice cooker, Xiangling was given a recipe for "Father Mapo Mapo Tofu," and Kujou Sara was awarded a General Raiden body pillow. The chat exploded with reactions, the audience reeling from the chaotic conclusion.
Xiangling: "Why would she say the Qiuqiu people are better than me?! How am I worse than them?!"
Keqing: "Well, now that you mention it, Xiangling's outfit doesn't exactly scream 'seductive.'"
Xander: "Yeah, there's no engraving of Master Se there."
Keqing: "@Xander, what are you talking about? I'll get angry if you keep spouting nonsense!"
Xander: "Hehe!"
Venti: "Huh?"
Yoimiya: "I don't know how to face the General anymore—all I can see is her crying!"
Shikanoin Heizou: "Same here—this image is burned into my mind. The General, crying and unable to cook… what do I do?"
Kujou Sara: "Oh, the General… the General's pillow!"
Xander: "Uh, looks like the tengu general's broken."
Kujou Sara: "No, you didn't see anything—that was someone else with the same name, definitely not me!"
Arataki Itto: "I can testify—Sara's always got that stinky face, just a violent tomboy!"
Kujou Sara: "@Arataki Itto, insulting a general of the Tenryou Commission—add another half month to your detention!"
Kuki Shinobu: "Boss, can you just grow up and watch your mouth?"
Kujou Renji: "Who's Mei? There's no one by that name next door to the General's mansion…"
Gorou: "If only the General were as kind as she is in the second creation video…"
Raiden Shogun: "Do not delude yourselves—Inazuma will always march unswervingly toward eternity."
Ei: "Suddenly… I feel a little tired…"
Ei's final comment in the chat lingered, a quiet admission of the toll the video had taken on her. In the Pure Land of One Heart, she sat in solitude, her violet eyes staring into the void, her expression a mix of exhaustion and frustration. The second creation had exposed her vulnerabilities, stripping away the facade of perfection she'd worked so hard to maintain. As the Electro Archon, she was a symbol of eternity, unyielding and infallible. But as Ei, she was a god who had retreated from the world, a recluse who longed to connect with the human experiences she'd distanced herself from. The video had laid bare her struggles, and the weight of eternity felt heavier than ever.
Back at the camp, Xander and the others were still laughing, the absurdity of the video a welcome reprieve from the tension of their mission. Paimon clutched her stomach, her tiny body shaking as she giggled. "She told the General to let Mei next door teach her—who's Mei?!" she exclaimed, her voice a mix of disbelief and delight.
Ying wiped a tear from her eye, her laughter subsiding as she caught her breath. "I didn't think the Electro Archon could be so… stubborn," she said, her tone a mix of amusement and sympathy. "But I feel bad for Xiangling—she really tried her best."
Eula smirked, her icy demeanor softened by the humor. "Even gods have their limits, it seems," she said, her tone dry but her eyes warm with amusement. "Though I must admit, Xiangling's patience is commendable. I'd have walked away after the first explosion."
Jean set her map aside, her exhaustion forgotten as she smiled at the group. "It's a reminder that even the most powerful among us can struggle with the simplest things," she said, her voice gentle. "But I hope the General doesn't take it too personally—Inazuma doesn't need a culinary crisis on top of its other challenges."
Xander leaned back, his grin wide as he watched the chat continue to flood with reactions. The video had been a success, the contrast between Ei's divine authority and her culinary ineptitude striking a perfect balance of humor and heart. But Ei's final comment—"Suddenly… I feel a little tired…"—gave him pause. He hadn't intended to cause her genuine distress, only to bring a bit of levity to Teyvat. Perhaps it was time to give the gods a break and turn his attention to another target—someone whose reaction would be more lighthearted, like Klee or Paimon.
As the broadcast room closed, the campfire crackled, its flames casting flickering shadows on the canyon walls. Tomorrow, they would face Teucer and the Abyss Order in a battle for Mondstadt's soul—but for now, they rested, their spirits lifted by the laughter and the bonds they'd forged. The stars above were obscured by clouds, but the glow of the fire and the warmth of their camaraderie pushed back the darkness, a beacon of hope in the face of the challenges ahead.
***
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