Chapter 66
I called Missy. She was way too young, but somehow she really knew how to gossip.
"So, you're saying Sheldon became popular because he lends his room to other students?" I asked, laughing.
"And he's totally clueless about what they do in there," Missy replied, laughing with me.
"I'm more concerned that you know what they're doing," I said, raising an eyebrow.
"Hey, we're (almost) the same age," she snapped defensively.
"You know if Sheldon ever finds out, he's going to burn that room down, right?"
We both laughed.
Then the house phone rang.
"Missy, I gotta go. Someone's calling the house," I said.
"Alright. Talk later," she replied.
I picked up the receiver. "Hello?"
A woman was crying on the other end.
"Calm down, I can't understand you."
More sobs. Then something that sounded like "hamelet."
"What does Hamlet have to do with this?"
"No! I said, 'I'm late!'"
"Uuuh... 'I'm late'... for?"
But I already had a pretty good idea.
And then she explained.
I yelled, "Uncle Charlie!"
A moment later, Uncle Charlie and Dad came into the living room.
Charlie looked at me. "What?"
I held out the phone to him. "A call for you."
"Who is it?" Charlie asked.
"A hysterical woman," I answered.
Charlie backed away with his hands raised. "I don't take calls from hysterical women."
"This one you might want to take. She's late."
Charlie squinted. "She's late for what?"
I gave him the look.
Charlie blinked. "Oh boy."
He cautiously took the phone and put it to his ear.
"Hello... Okay... are you sure? Don't yell."
He paused, trying to keep up.
"How did this happen—scratch that."
"Okay. Just stay calm, I'm here for you. We'll deal with this together."
"You didn't happen to catch her name, did you?" Charlie asked.
I shook my head.
"Okay, the instructions sound pretty clear."
A longer pause.
"You pee on the stick, and if it turns blue, it means you're pregnant."
Charlie's expression twisted. "The stick turns blue."
"Yes, sweetheart. First go into the bathroom."
He lowered the phone slightly and muttered, "Not exactly a rocket scientist."
Dad, standing nearby, crossed his arms and said sarcastically, "As opposed to the Nobel Prize winners you usually bring home."
"Now we wait 30 seconds," Charlie said.
"Please, God. Please, God, please," he muttered.
"Isn't it a little late for prayer, Charlie?" Alan asked.
"Hey, don't mock my faith."
Charlie turned slightly, still on the phone. "Yeah, I'm here. Did it change colors?"
A pause.
"No? That's good, right?"
He turned to us slowly, phone still in hand. "Sure, in a strange way... I'm a little disappointed, too."
Then his eyes lit up. "Hold on a sec... Yes!"
Charlie suddenly started dancing and striking dramatic poses. He even pulled me into a hug.
Still holding the phone, Charlie grinned and said, "So, what else is new?". "Hey, congratulations. When's the wedding?"
Dad and I looked at him, completely bewildered.
Charlie wrapped up the call, still smiling. "Isn't that nice? Best of luck. Bye bye."
—
The Next Morning
"Good morning," Charlie said, walking into the kitchen.
"Good morning, darling," Evelyn replied with a smile.
"Morning, Charlie," Alan added.
"Morning, Uncle Charlie," I said.
Evelyn turned, eyeing him playfully. "So, Charlie, what's wrong with your pee-pee?"
Charlie froze. "What?"
"Grandma, we're still eating here," I whined (why no one care about my breakfast?)
"A little birdie told me you were in a urologist's office yesterday."
He shot Alan a glare. "Thanks a lot, Tweety."
"I didn't say anything!" Alan protested.
"Coincidentally," Evelyn continued, "your doctor has a suite in the same building as Dr. Shankman. You know, the man responsible for one out of three tight tushies in Beverly Hills."
Charlie squinted. "So Dr. Shankman saw me and told you?"
"No, dear, you left your appointment card on the table. I only mentioned Dr. Shankman because... well, no one has noticed my new tushie."
Alan blinked. "Very nice, Mom."
Evelyn beamed. "Of course. It's a Shankman."
"So, Charles," she went on, "back to your pee-pee."
"Oh yeah, there goes my appetite," I muttered.
Charlie sighed. "There's nothing wrong with it. I'm just getting a vasectomy."
Evelyn gasped. "You must really hate me."
Charlie blinked. "Are we changing the subject now?"
Evelyn stepped closer. "How can you have a vasectomy without consulting me? You're selfishly robbing me of grandchildren."
"You've got grandchildren," Alan said flatly.
"Oh, big whoop. One."
"Hey!" I yelped, slightly offended.
Charlie rolled his eyes. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm doing the freezing thing."
Evelyn tilted her head. "Really? Well... I suppose that's better than nothing." She added with a smirk, "You know, I'm doing a freezing thing too."
Alan blinked. "What?"
"Excuse me?" Charlie echoed.
Evelyn grinned. "At death, I plan to have my head removed and frozen until such time it can be revived and put on a monkey body."
Charlie stared. "What?"
Grandma shrugged. "Everybody's doing it."
—
That Night
Charlie was on the deck, nursing a glass of whiskey and staring at the ocean.
I stepped out and sat beside him.
"Rough day?" I asked.
"I've had worse," he muttered.
We sat quietly for a bit. The waves crashed gently below us.
I glanced over. "You know... I think you'd make a cool dad, Uncle Charlie."
He looked at me, surprised, then smiled. "Thanks, Jake. That actually means a lot."
"A slightly scumbag dad, though," I added casually.
Charlie smiled and shook his head.
I grinned and leaned back, looking up at the stars.
I thought about everything that happened. Uncle Charlie had tried to freeze his sperm, but nothing worked. And just when he was ready to go through with the vasectomy, the doctor bailed because his wife was going into labor. So in the end, Charlie gave up.
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