Semiel was lying on his back in the guest room bed. The lights were off, but a thin line of yellow light slipped in from the hallway, right under the door. He wasn't sleepy —even though he was tired, his body felt restless. Like something inside him was still walking, like his thoughts couldn't stop moving.
He ran a hand across his forehead. It felt warm. He turned onto his side. Then rolled onto his back again.
—Damn it —he murmured softly, almost like a sigh.
The ceiling offered no answers. It was just there, smooth and shapeless, while everything in his chest felt messy.
It had been strange days. Days full of small, almost invisible changes, but he felt them as if they were huge. Like he was standing on the edge of something and couldn't tell if it was a cliff or an entrance.
He thought about today's walk with Saval. How everything had felt light for a moment. They laughed, talked about stream stories, silly things. Seeing Saval laugh for real —not a nervous or tired laugh— had done something to his stomach. Something like warmth. Something like nostalgia.
And then there was that.
The moment.
Saval with the ice cream cone wobbling in his hand, about to fall. And him, without thinking too much, reaching out to hold it. To hold him. The touch was soft. Barely a second. But there they were. Looking at each other. With the city making noise in the distance, and the air still between them.
Semiel closed his eyes. He relived it like a movie projected on the ceiling.
They had really looked at each other. Not like friends who understand one another. It was different. It was… slower. Like neither of them knew exactly what to say, but both understood what the other was feeling. Or what they weren't ready to say.
And still, nothing else happened.
Saval laughed, thanked him, and they kept walking.
—Idiot —Semiel whispered, not sure if he meant himself or Saval.
Then he remembered the moment in the living room, later that night. The pizza, the quiet laughs while they ate, and him saying it —that being there, together, made him happy. That he wanted it to last forever.
He had said it with a steady voice, but inside he was trembling. Because that was what he truly wanted, even though he knew things were never that simple.
And then came Saval's answer. Clear. Warm, but with boundaries.
—I love you as a friend.
That sentence had hit him, caused a kind of ache in his chest like a stone thrown into water. It didn't shatter him, but it left him still.
—Friend —he repeated softly, now that he was alone.
It was ironic. Because he didn't regret anything. Not going out with him, not holding his hand, not saying how he felt that time on the trip. But it hurt.
A part of him had wanted to hear something else. A small, stubborn part that wasn't ready to let go of those feelings.
And right after that, like the universe wanted to finish the job, the phone rang.
Mia.
Asking if Saval wanted to go to the movies tomorrow.
Semiel had heard everything. And when he saw Saval hesitate, he told him to say yes. That it would be good for him.
—Go, it'll be good for you —he had said, almost without thinking.
And he meant it. Or at least, part of him meant it. Because he knew Saval needed to get out, clear his head, have moments that weren't about crises, or guilt, or fights. And Mia was a trustworthy friend. Saval acted differently around her. More awkward, more attentive, more… open.
But another part of Semiel… that small, insecure part, full of silence… didn't want him to go. Because that meant he was one step further away. Because that meant that maybe, Mia could take that place in his heart.
And if that was true, then what Semiel had felt —that moment of shared glances, that night of pizza and confessions— maybe it hadn't meant the same thing to Saval.
—How stupid —he said softly, hugging the pillow to his chest—. What did I expect? For him to say yes? For everything to suddenly change? For him to change his mind?
He felt alone. Not just the kind of lonely that comes from lack of company. The kind of loneliness that stays with you even when someone is right next to you.
The loneliness of knowing your feelings have nowhere to go.
He turned over and shoved his head under the pillow. He wanted to sleep, but his thoughts wouldn't let him. The soft sound of rain tapping against the window didn't help. If anything, it made it feel more real.
He thought about everything they'd been through together. The fights. The times they drifted apart. The times they came back together. The moments when he thought all was lost.
And now… now they were like this.
And still...
He turned over again. Stared up at the ceiling.
He wondered what he'd say tomorrow when Saval got ready to go out with Mia. Would he pretend not to care? Wish him luck? Tell him to have fun?
Maybe he would.
Maybe he'd do all of that.
And then, when he was alone in the apartment, maybe he'd lie down on that same mattress again, with the same knot in his chest.
—I want you to be happy —he said quietly, as if speaking to him, even though he wasn't there.
It was true. He wanted Saval to be happy. But wishing him that didn't make it hurt any less —not being part of that happiness.
He closed his eyes. This time for real. He forced himself to take a deep breath, to let the air out slowly. To imagine that all the noise in his head was leaving with each exhale.
Tomorrow would be another day.
Tomorrow, he'd figure out what to do with everything he was feeling.
For now, he just wanted to sleep. Even if he wasn't tired.
Even if that bed wasn't his.
Even if the place he really wanted to be was only a few steps away, behind another closed door.
And yet it felt as far away as the sky.