Digging my hand into Rem's bag, I felt a book instead of the headset I aimed for. Instinctively, I pulled it out to see a little pink book she wrote in occasionally when we had a break from our travels. However, she would never let me peek at it.
Holding it in my hands, curiosity filled my heart as I glanced towards the shelves to see a slight purple shimmer coming from another. Taking a step towards it, I noticed another tome there; this one was light blue instead of pink and had little doodles on the cover.
I grabbed them both before sitting next to Rem and opening the oldest one first, which started five years ago.
Day 1:
Today, I turned fifteen, and our birthday was an utter disaster. So, I decided to start a journal. Finally, I know this is a long time coming, but I thought it was stupid. I mean, I tried before, and it never worked. Maybe it'll be different this time, even though I don't know what to write.
Though I honestly feel suffocated in this house, and there isn't any escape. Amara suggested I write my feelings down, which is stupid! I know she said it would help me cope better, and you know what? Perhaps she's right. Maybe writing can be my escape or something.
Even so, I'll try to talk to Mom tomorrow about my situation. Perhaps she'll finally let me join Vera and the boys at school. After all, I have been stable for a while now, and I haven't hurt anyone recently.
Day 2:
This is so stupid! Why don't Vera and Mom understand me?! Why do I have to be trapped here even though I feel fine?! I know I stayed behind initially because I didn't want to hold anyone back, but this house is a cage for me now!
Why do I have to be trapped here? I haven't had an episode in two years! Why don't they try to understand me or meet me halfway?! I don't get it! I will find what they hide from me tomorrow, and I swear!
Day 3:
So, I snooped into my mom's office, trying to find some document stating that I was a freak. Instead, I saw this portrait of the most beautiful man I had ever seen. The moment I saw it, I almost felt like I had been struck by lightning.
Dad always told me about his feelings with Mom when he first met her, though this worries me! Don't tell me a picture is my soul mate?! This is unbelievable! I'm unbelievable! Falling for a piece of paper, I can't be any more comical even if I want to be!
It's just dandy! Instead of information, I'm doomed to love a piece of paper?!
Day 4:
Okay! Things are getting freaking weird. I had a crazy dream of meeting the man in that picture last night, but he was the biggest jerk I had ever seen! The grumpiest person ever! He didn't let me even talk to him before walking off!
I won't fall in love with a jerk like that. Then again... Everything's not normal. That man is a picture and a figment of my imagination. By the gods, I'm a strange one. Vera might be right to keep me away from her friends.
Day 5:
I had another dream with that man; he was the same way! I don't get him at all! Mom still denies me, too. This is just the worst. No one wants to get to know me, but I'll keep trying! I have to keep striving! Someone will accept me, won't they?
It continued like that for a while until one day...
Day 50:
The grumpy wolf finally spoke back to me! It only took me two months for him to say hi, but he did! I'm so happy! Why did something like that make me so happy? I don't even know, but I am! This is the beginning of something! I feel it in my bones!
If only he were real. Then again, no one would ever love a freak like me. Maybe he should be just a dream. That way, he can't hate me as my siblings do. Then, perhaps I'll be happy one day.
Day 80:
That man is still the biggest grump I have ever met, but he's slowly talking to me. I don't know why I have these dreams, but they're the only time I feel free. I look forward to them, especially getting to see this wolf that seems to be hurting.
I wish I could soothe it somehow. If only he would rely on me. Then again, these are just my crazy thoughts. Why do I have it hard in my dreams, too?
Day 120:
These dreams keep happening, and I have told no one about them. No one would care either way and every time I have them, it feels like I'm getting closer to the grumpy wolf. I started calling him by that nickname, mainly because it annoys him when he hears it.
He doesn't know my name, nor do I know his, but strangely, I don't care. Did I mention he's cute when he's irritated? I want to push more buttons later, leaving me to wonder how many I can get away with before he blows!
This will be fun! I've never had a friend before, but this is as close as possible! I better enjoy it while it lasts!
Day 140:
It has taken me a while, but I finally got the grumps to come to a blossomed forest that we managed to manifest within that dream-like realm. It was full of flowers. Of course, it was just a fantasy, but it was our first time doing something there!
Gosh! I'm so excited to do even more things with him! This is so stupid, though! I still haven't told anyone about these dreams, but I want to keep them to myself. I feel happy with this black wolf and don't want anyone to ruin it.
I want this to be my little piece of nirvana.
Day 360:
So, Mom finally told me about the man in the picture five days before my sixteenth birthday. He is an actual person that exists, and his name is Alijah. Mom says he's a broken and dangerous man, but every night I see him, I realize she has it all wrong.
I don't think he's beyond saving or delusional. He seems sad and lonely. Although he is probably just an illusion made from my thoughts, I might be delusional, as always. What's worse is that he's already hung up on someone!
Figures that the man that I fall for is already taken. Well, in my dreams, it's just me and him there. I can try to make him mine there. After all, it's my dream! I should be able to make my fantasy come true! Plus, I won't take no for an answer!
But the real him will never be for me. It's heartbreaking, but I don't know him for real. He probably resembles nothing like he's in my dreams. Right?
Day 400:
Alijah, I keep dreaming of you every night. I can't stop these feelings from trying to consume me. So, I'll try to write them down on this piece of paper, hoping it'll be enough for me. Even though I had spent more than a month studying you, I can't see you as Mom does.
Are you really that dangerous? To me, you seem just to be like any other person. No, you're much more than just that. I wish my dreams were a reality. Maybe then, you'd be mine.
For now, all we do is talk because you see me as a brat, but what if I can change that? I want to mean more to you, my grumpy wolf. Is it possible? Why is it so hard for me to accomplish this in my dreams?!
It should be easy!
Day 739:
Today marks the day I met Alijah, who has been in my dreams since I saw your picture two years ago. Guess what! I finally kissed you today! I took my chance when we were in a forest in Niamoor—a place I wanted to visit one day.
Yeah, I know you're hung up on an old love, but in my dreams, only you and me are there. I forget about it when I'm there with you. All my worries melt away, and I live in the moment. However, what is more surprising is that you didn't shove me away!
Though you gave me a full ear about how a kid like me shouldn't be attacking adults, I don't get it. You're just twenty-three, and I'm of official legal age! Here marks my counterattack! Beware, Alijah, I'll claim your heart! Even if it's just in these silly dreams.
A soft chuckle left my lips as I continued to read through her dreamscape.
Day 760:
After a month of hardships and evasions, today marks a glorious occasion! Alijah... finally kissed me back. It was sweet and short because Vera woke me up! The gall of her. However, she was having one of those nightmares of hers. So, I couldn't be too mad about it.
Maybe tonight it'll be even better than ever before.
Day 761:
Yep, it was better! No, it was glorious! When my grumpy wolf saw me, I couldn't help but be skittish because of the entire thing, but you closed the gap and kissed me before I could even get a word out!
The feeling of your tongue on mine was extraordinary, which led to something more, and I was happy about it! But then you halted midway! Even though the slight touching left me in a jumble, I quickly noticed something bothered you.
When I saw that troubled expression on your face, it stopped me in my tracks. I would never force you to be with me. Even here, you have someone else in your mind. Is it your past love? No! I refuse to give up!
This is my dreamland! I thought before hugging you from behind, which caused you to chuckle as a soft smile rose on your lips. That's when I realized I wanted to preserve it forever. You deserve to have one permanently.
Day 800:
After another sweet dream with Alijah, I had an unpleasant episode of my curse. Vera made me overly angry, and I hurt her because of it. I guess I finally figured out why Mom never let me go to school, even though I appeared stable.
Whenever I get angry, things can get ugly, like a bomb waiting to go off. After a point, it's like I lose my sanity and black out before the taste of blood snaps me back out. With my parents' position at stake, they can't afford a liability like me, especially with her and Dad's kind of work.
It seems I'll never live an everyday life. The maids locked me in this room since it happened before they took Vera away. I hope she is fine but... I can still smell the blood in my hands. Why did I do that? Why did I want to hurt her?
Mom and Dad will be angry with me when they get home. I know it.
Day 801:
Last night, my grumpy wolf, Aka Alijah, noticed I was feeling down and tried to make me feel better. It meant the world to me how you tugged me along in the dream toward different places. Our scenery constantly changed until we arrived where you wanted to take me.
We stopped by a popular place in Lyari, where cherry blossoms bloom yearly. I had never been there, but you said your mother visited it when you were younger. This ritualistic event happened soon after your father died fighting in a war, right after you were born.
It was probably something my imagination created to cheer me up, but it was a lovely story. So, I'm recording it here to remember when I feel alone. When Freya's birthday came along, she'd always drag you there to celebrate it.
Your brother, Lucan, was already training to join the Lycan army while you were still a young pup. So, he always missed those trips. Yet in this particular one, she gifted you with silver earrings and the ones you'd always wear after that day.
They used to be your father's before he died in an incident after an altercation with a vampire. That day, I listened as you explained that the earrings have a unique enchantment to cancel out the ring that witchcraft spells cause on Lycans.
I stayed quiet while you spoke, wishing you'd share more with me. After chuckling while remembering things in lighter times, you mentioned that you hated every time your mother took you there, calling it tedious and unnecessary. Still, you called yourself a fool because you never knew how much it meant to her to go there.
After your mother's gift, you asked her why she took you there every year on her birthday. That was when your mother told you this was where she had met your father and where she felt closest to him.
So, she would celebrate her birthday there because she knew he was there with her, and it was where his essence was strongest for her. By then, my heart was full of knots when I gazed at you and asked why you brought me there.
That was when you turned to me, reaching your hand towards me with one of your brightest smiles.
"I want to share this scenery with you. It used to bring me warmth back in the day before she was gone. It still does, even if I haven't seen it in years, but most importantly, I want to see you smile, little dove."
What? Why do… why does…
At that moment, I ran to you and hugged you so tightly that I felt like I would squeeze you in my arms. Even though it was just a dream and probably fiction, I wanted to hold you, Alijah, and this time, I didn't take a no for an answer. Luckily, you didn't say it either.
Instead, you responded to my sudden kiss with one of yours, and I was ecstatic. After the crappy day I had, all I wanted was to be with you, and before I knew it, I was under you. You held me in your arms under those beautiful pink petals for the first time.
Throbs pulsated through my body as I couldn't take my eyes away from the pages.
By the gods... Alijah, I wish I could've stayed in that dream forever with you. Being filled with you was the best feeling I had ever experienced; it was the first time I felt alive since falling off the roof all those years ago.
Too bad it ended the moment my eyes fluttered open today. I had never felt so lonely since waking up from dreams with you. Even though it was my first time with anyone, it didn't hurt because it was a fantasy I made up.
Ah… how screwed up am I to fantasize about a man this much? All I felt last night was a feeling I would never know in my flesh. However, tonight, I want to repeat it. Being in your arms is the warmest I've ever felt, Alijah.
So, I write it here to document it for a lifetime. By the gods… forgive me for using you like this. Please let me feel it repeatedly until I can believe it's real. I love you so much. Is it weird I still feel your lips on me?
After reading that, I was in utter shock. When Rem talked to me about her dreams, I thought it was cute—something happened because of her imagination, but what she wrote astonished me.
That's… not possible. How… did you know that?
Every note from her journal seemed eerily familiar to me, but for her to have known my memory like this was impossible.
No one knows how I got these earrings; my brother wasn't there. So… How… do you know…
I glanced over at Rem's peaceful sleeping face. I touched her cheek, unable to find any explanations to help me understand what was happening.
"What did you do, Rem? How did you know that?" I mumbled as the warmth of her cheek pushed me onward.
I knew your magic was special, but for it to have connected me with you. Is that even possible?
"Were they real? All of them? Every day? Impossible..." I paused, feeling stings in my chest as I winced thanks to a headache.
Closing my free hand against my face, a faint picture came into mine, and it quickly faded again.
Huh? What was…
Shifting my gaze back onto Rem, "How did you know that unless it came from me?" I asked, wishing for a response that would never come.
These two books contained the answers to all my questions, yet it was hard to believe since I couldn't recall anything even though it felt so familiar. When she told me about my dreams, she also asked me if I dreamt back in that prison of mine.
I had been in suspended animation while my thoughts were rampaging through my entire being. There were also times when my awareness fully returned when the eternal witch spoke to me, but I couldn't recall any nighttime endeavors, such as sleep or dreams.
Heck, I didn't even eat or do anything else while in there. So… why do your words sound so similar? What am I… missing?
Shaking my head, I turned my gaze towards the books before me.
Wait… is it possible you were why I crashed into Lilith's dream-like spell? I thought our souls had called out to one another back then, but what if it was a coincidence?
Time there was warped, though. The past, present, and future all existed in one place while I was in the middle.
In those moments when my awareness slipped back into nothing, did I daydream or meet you?
Every time I tried to recall the person within those fantasies, her face or name never came to mind.
I can't even recall anything we did. No, I remember feeling happier than ever after I woke from them.
Without remembering anything in those moments, I usually smile like an idiot.
Did I really call little you a brat? Sounds like me, doesn't it?
Sitting back in my chair, I noticed it was already afternoon. The moon was gracing me when I started to read her journal. Nothing would stop me from continuing, even though I had not slept or eaten.
It appeared Rem's brother wasn't there since no one had brought me food. However, it didn't matter. My hunger wouldn't stop me from reading my little luma's words, even if they weren't meant for me.
But… feel like you're writing to me, aren't you?
Rem continued to profess her growing love for me on each page I read. It warmed my heart in ways I thought weren't possible until...
Day 1816:
After waking up again after a lovely dream with Alijah, I found Mom and Dad acting weird. In fact, everyone in the manor seemed to do the same. Vera, Caden, and Aiden wouldn't tell me anything either.
That's when I overheard that my grumpy wolf might come soon. I'll finally get to meet the real you! A dream... I wonder if... No, that isn't possible, Rem. I need to tell Mom about the incantation I've been working on when she arrives tonight.
I'm sure it'll work! Alijah, I'll save you even if it's the last thing I do! I promise! I need to do this if you're anything like you are in my dreams!
Day 1817:
Even though Vera had already helped me create the spell, Mom flat-out denied me. All I have to do is get close enough to activate it, which they refuse to help me with! This is so frustrating. Why do I have to be the weak link?! I want to be more than just a burden to everyone!
Why keep me away?! I want to meet Alijah, too! Nothing good will come from complaining, though. I've learned that through all my years of being in this house. So, I'll have to take this into my own hands.
I promise you, Alijah! I'll save you and them! And when I do, I'll show you how beautiful this world is! Maybe even reunite you with your one true love. It hurts to know that I'm not her or that I'll never be her for you, but at least in my dreams, you're mine.
If I have those, they're all I need.
Day 1824:
So, everyone has been gone for a week now. I got everything I needed to join them. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'll claim my present even if it's the last thing I do. If you find this, Aunty Amelia, I'm sorry for being a selfish brat, but I can't leave them be.
Even if I am delusional, Alijah isn't who I think. I want to save you from all the suffering. You don't deserve to die or be locked up! I guess this is the last time I'll write here. Anyway, to whoever is reading without my permission, this is an invasion of privacy, good sir or madam!
Shame on you! I'm also sorry for all the trouble I've caused you, but I must. If I don't, I can never forgive myself. So it's time to say goodbye to the cage of the past and welcome a new world!
P.S. Caden and Aiden. If you're the one who read this, you're dead. I'll kill you! I swear it!
I couldn't help but laugh after reading that last part, as this girl was too much for me to handle.
Rem, please wake up. There's so much I need to tell and ask you.