When Sun woke in the morning, it was a great effort to peel her eyes open, and when she did, the dim light pierced them like shards of glass. This was worse than that time she got drunk with the boys. She tried to roll over, but it made her stomach flip and her body ache.
"Sun?"
The sound of her brother's voice, even hushed as it was, had her cringing at the pain it caused. She usually loved the sound of his voice, even when he'd been an arse; if she ignored the words and listened to the sound, it was pleasing to the ear.
Why was he in her room?
"How are you feeling?" He asked, keeping his voice soft in consideration.
She wouldn't have thought he'd have much sympathy for someone who had overindulged.
"Fine," she replied, her voice hoarse.
She tried to sit up, and it was a monumental effort. Catching sight of the room only confused her even more. This wasn't her room. Kalys was sitting on the edge of the bed watching her with concern. He was impeccably dressed and ready for the day.
"Are you in much pain?"
She shook her head, not wanting to show any weakness; she'd brought this on herself after all.
"You're lying."
"Mild hangover," she replied. "I'll be fine."
His eyes narrowed, assessing. "Do you remember much of last night?"
She nodded. "It gets a little blurry in the carriage, but I remember everything else."
"What about after we got home?"
She thought back, but there wasn't anything there; it was blank. "I guess I went to the wrong room. I'm sorry. I really didn't think I'd had that much to drink."
"Sun," he said, taking her hand in both of his. "You were drugged."
This time her eyes narrowed on him, looking for the joke – not that he was one to make those – or for the deceit – not that he was much of a liar either. When there was no sign of either, her stomach dropped and the nausea got worse.
"What happened?" It came out a breathy whisper as a dozen horrifying scenarios ran through her head.
She'd seen what happened to drugged-up women, what people did to them, and the damage they caused. Her hand squeezed his so tightly while she tried to fight off the panic.
Kalys quickly explained what had happened, leaving out the more gory details. The fact she was mostly unharmed seemed to calm her somewhat, but he could also see she felt sick at the fact she had killed someone and had no memory of it. He'd thought about omitting that detail but decided against it. Lying to her, even to protect her, did not feel right. She wouldn't appreciate it if she ever found out the truth.
"Who were they?" She asked.
"We don't know yet. Grandfather is looking into it."
"Can I see them?"
"Their bodies have already been taken away."
"Is Mika all right? That can't have been easy for her."
That was something Kalys should come clean about also; it had been long enough. He'd only kept it quiet initially because she was so resistant to everything back then, and he didn't want her to do anything that might make it harder for Mika to do her job.
"There is something else I should tell you. Mika is not a typical handmaid. She's something of a bodyguard; that is why I hired her. While she performs all the duties of a handmaid, she also protects you and keeps an eye out for threats you might encounter. She's killed before, many times in fact. "
At least this time she was killing someone who deserved it. Though he kept that part to himself.
Sun's brow furrowed as she processed those words, a feeling akin to betrayal welling up in her. Mika had been lying to her all this time? So had her brother.
"You've both been lying to me?"
"It could be taken that way."
"What other way could it be taken?" She snapped, instantly regretting it as the sharp tone sent a spike of white-hot metal through her skull.
"As an omission. A detail that wasn't shared."
She glared at him then. "That's a pathetic excuse. I'd've thought better of you."
"Not when we first met," he retorted. "Which was why I did not deign to share it with you."
He had her there, but that didn't quite kill the glare.
"There are guards at the estate; why don't you trust them with my safety? Or is it not my safety Mika is seeing to?"
"She is not spying on you, no. No more so than any other handmaid you'd have, skilled killer or no."
They lapsed into silence then. She would have liked an apology but knew she wouldn't get one. He didn't think he was in the wrong, so why would he apologise? And it was hard to fault Mika; she was just doing as she was paid.
It was Kalys who spoke first, offering a cup she hadn't noticed on the bedside.
"What is it?" She asked.
"It's for the pain."
She took it, downing the entire thing in a few gulps. She was parched. Once her cup was empty, Kalys offered another filled with water, which she also glugged down.
"Dehydration is a side effect of both the alcohol and the Impetus," he told her.
"Are we still leaving today?"
"Definitely," he confirmed.
Thank the gods, she did not want to linger here any longer than necessary. She had a renewed hatred for this city. The pain relief must have been kicking in because she felt a lot better, not so sluggish and achey.
"We're still going out to the forest?"
Kalys gave a nod, and she breathed a small sigh of relief. Though she felt a little better, she wasn't feeling up to an argument with her stubborn brother. She made to get out of bed, suddenly realising she was in nothing but an oversized robe.
"What...?" She looked down at herself, confused again.
"It was all we had on hand," Kalys explained, averting his gaze. "But I've since had your things brought here."
He gestured to the luggage by the bathroom door.
"Dress, I will meet you in the hall."
He quickly left the room after that; it stung a little that the sight of her barely clothed sent him practically running from the room. She hadn't realised until now that she had been hoping for some kind of sign that he might desire her too; at least she wouldn't be the only fucked-up person here.
Sun dressed as quickly as she was able, still a little sluggish. And moving the wrong way still caused some achiness here and there, but it was nothing compared to when she had first awoken.
She dressed in simple clothes again, nothing to give away that she was from the nobility, including her Illusen earring. Out in the hall, Kalys was dressed similarly and had also forgone his earring.
"We'll have breakfast elsewhere," he told her, leading her to the entrance of the manor.
"None for me, thanks; I don't think I could stomach it," she said.
Once outside, she summoned her power about her, channelling it into her speed, and got maybe twenty or thirty metres before she had to stop, double over, and vomit into the bushes. At least they were out of sight of the manor; she loathed the idea of any of her extended family or the staff seeing what a mess she was. No need to set more rumours and gossip flying.
"Perhaps I should carry you," Kalys said, taking hold of her hair and keeping it from her face.
How fucking embarrassing.
"Perhaps you should just let me die," she croaked out.
"Never."
It was delivered with a flat, monotone, obviously not buying into her drama.
"I will carry you," he told her; this time it wasn't a suggestion.
Nick and Zen had done that for her dozens of times – mostly on their backs – when they were kids and at the Academy, mostly in fun at this age. When they were kids, they carried her if she got injured or sick or if they had to run faster or walk further than she was capable of.
"I'll be going so fast no one will be able to see us. It is the only way we will get out there quickly enough to see them today."
She stood up straighter, wiping her mouth and feeling absolutely miserable, physically, mentally, and emotionally. The news of what happened last night was still being absorbed, and that was horrific enough; she wasn't sure if it was a blessing or curse that she couldn't remember it. But add to that the aftereffects of the drug, and she was an exhausted mess.
But she definitely wanted to see them before they left.
"All right," she winced.
When he made to grab her, she held her hand up, silently asking for a minute. She wasn't sure she was completely empty just yet, and she didn't want to throw up on him.
After a few more minutes and her stomach feeling a lot more settled, she nodded. He effortlessly scooped her up, and she pressed her face into his shoulder and closed her eyes; she couldn't be sure the motion wouldn't unsettle her again. At any other time, for any other reason, she might have been all right with this, being held by him. Right now, it was just embarrassing.
She hated feeling weak and useless.
They did get there fast, though; it only felt like minutes later he was gently setting her down on the grass, holding her steady until she found her feet. Her eyes found their grave markers.
"I'm going to collect some flowers for them," she said softly.
She drifted into her thoughts as she did so, gathering up the blossoms and prettier pieces of grass she could find. Her stomach was still roiling, but there was probably nothing but bile in there by this point; it had been quite some time since she'd last eaten, and she'd already expelled what was left of that.
From the corner of her eye she could see Kalys standing in the sun, his eyes following her. Was he worried some monster was going to grab her from the shadows of the trees? Maybe he was feeling extra paranoid, given someone had drugged her and tried to steal her in the night. The thought made her shudder. That had been a fear of her childhood, given how often she'd seen and heard it happen to others. She'd never thought it would be a valid fear with the Illusens. Would this attempt mean his overprotectiveness would ramp up?
"Do you have any suspects?" She asked him.
"No."
"Theories?"
"No."
Would he share them if he did?
She came back with an armful of flowers, divvying them up between the four graves. Gods, but she missed them so much.
"I thought I was over it; it happened so long ago," she muttered.
"I don't think grief is something one 'gets over'. You merely learn to function alongside it."
She looked at him; he'd lost both his parents; he'd been orphaned. She'd grown up an orphan, so didn't know the pain of having parents ripped away from her; she imagined a lot of stability would have been lost along with them. Ami had been something of a parental figure; at least Sun had always believed so, and losing her had been heart-wrenching; it had destabilised their whole little family.
"You – you've never told me about your mother," she said.
"What would you like to know?"
"Whatever you're comfortable telling me?"
She sat down in the grass, watching him sit beside her.
"She passed when I was quite young, six years old. She got very sick; she was beyond even Commander Sorolas abilities."
He had buried his sadness, but at the mention of his mother, she could see hints of it, hear it in his voice. He had lost his parents so close together, just a few years apart.
"What was she like?"
"She was warmth; very rarely was she not smiling. She was from the Intrieri clan, a distant cousin to Nathaniel's father. They have a different way of being. Much more open and expressive."
Sun nodded; she'd seen that these past few days.
"Everyone loved her; Father was... besotted."
What did a besotted Illusen man look like?
"Did they marry for love?"
"No, it was arranged, but the love grew quickly. At least on father's part. Mother was dutiful, but it took a little longer; she had left her home and all she knew; the transition was difficult for her."
She imagined it would be for anyone. It had been for her when she'd been brought here, and she was still learning to navigate certain areas of it. Though his mother had been nobility, she probably managed far more efficiently and gracefully than Sun had.
"She loved him by the end; I don't remember a time she didn't. Father told me of the difficulties he had in winning her over."
"What was her name?"
"Sophia."
"She was very beautiful," she said, remembering the portrait that hung in the estate.
"She was. Kind and loving as well. What of you, Sun? How did you come into the care of this lot?"
"Ami found me. She was... the mother of our group. She was the oldest of us; she took us all in even though it would have been a much easier life for her without having to look after toddlers and babies."
"How much older was she?"
Sun shrugged. "Not much; she was still a kid herself. A few years older than Zen, maybe."
"She was... the closest thing you had to a mother?"
Sun nodded. "Ami said she found me next to a dead woman. I assume that was my mother."
"How old were you?"
"Old enough to be sitting up but not walking or talking? I don't know how old that is."
Her experience with babies and toddlers was non-existent.
"She is the reason you survived."
"One of the reasons," she said, indicating the four graves. "Nick and Zen too. We've all saved each other at one point or another. It got a lot harder after Ami was killed."
"May I ask how she died?"
Sun drew her knees up, shrinking in on herself. "We were coming back from the Burns—"
"The Burns?"
"District over, where all the foundries and factories are. Everyone just calls it the Burns because of all the smoke and soot. We were coming back from there; it was late afternoon. We were walking down the road; she was carrying me on her back because I was tired from all the walking we'd done that day."
Her brow furrowed as she remembered, and he could see the trouble she was starting to have in finding the words, or perhaps the strength to utter them.
"We were walking down the street when we heard a pack of men; they were laughing, mucking about. That always meant trouble. I think they'd been drinking. We couldn't see them, but they were close. There was nowhere to go; they'd see us if we tried to go back. Ami stuffed me in a barrel and told me to close my eyes and cover my ears. I heard men shouting, taunting, and Ami started running. They chased her down. I could see her... through a crack, there were five of them. They just –
He saw a tear fall down her cheek, and she quickly swiped it away.
"They were like a pack of animals. They just... tore into her. They r-raped her, all of them, again and again. They used things on her, bottles and sticks. Even when she stopped moving and went quiet, they just kept going."
Her tears were falling faster now, and she kept wiping at them.
"And I just hid. I didn't even try to help her."
"You were a child, Sun; you would have ended up the same as her."
She looked at him then, a desperation in her eyes.
"Why didn't my power work then? It killed a whole heap of people to protect me; why not her?"
"If it had activated, you would have killed her too."
"It would have been a mercy compared to the way she did die."
It was an awful thing for her to have to see, and at such a young age. Not to mention the guilt she was carrying. She was a child, young and afraid; the guilt wasn't hers to bear. He didn't know how to take it all away. Nor could he refute what she said; if Sun had managed to kill her, it would have been more merciful than what had happened.
He wanted to take her away from this awful place and away from these horrific memories.