Xavier's POV
The air feels too light for my current mood. A light cold wind whips around me, blowing the edges of my shirt up whenever I move my arms from my side. I'm at the clearing where I last spent time with Celeste. I needed. . . I wanted. . .
I don't know.
The water sounds harsher today despite the lighter flow of water, breaking into the small layer of ice that's trying to form on the small body of water. It won't fully freeze until the water stops flowing from the mountains, maybe in a few weeks. Then it'll be frozen all winter. Technically it's not even winter yet but the nip in the air says otherwise.
There's movement in the trees below and I squint my eyes, my shoulders taking on a tightness I don't feel they can handle with all my current stress. If it's a rogue, I'll beat them within an inch of their life for coming back onto my land. For coming here.
My feet are moving before I can even fully process that I've started walking. I move fast but carefully down the ledges leading below, snapping dead twigs and leaves underfoot. The leaves are cold and wet with frost.
I see the movement again. 'Who's out near the clearing?' I link to the entire pack. No response. I hold back a growl of irritation. "Who's out there?" The movement happens in the corner of my vision as I go into the tree line. I whip around. Nothing. The movement comes again at the other side of my vision. I turn. "Show yourself!" I inhale but there's no smell other than the cold crisp air. It's got to be a rogue then. The movement once again to my left. I turn.
And there she is.
"Celeste."
She turns to me, beautiful as ever. I look her up and down, not believing her to be there. To be here. With me. Not a scratch covers her.
"Celeste," I breathe the word again, unable to say anything else.
She begins to walk towards me, her steps slow; like we now have all the time in the world. I force my feet to move, taking large strides towards her. As soon as she's close enough, I reach for her. My hands are shaky as they find her soft cheeks. She leans into my hold, her hands finding my wrists.
She's cold. Goddess, her skin is freezing. I want nothing more than to pull her to me and to warm her in my embrace.
I take in the view around us and it's perfect. Too perfect.
She smiles, delicately and sweetly.
"You're not-" She shakes her head. "Where are you?" Her hands find my wrists, holding onto me firmly yet not firm at all. I let one of my hands drift to her waist. I can't make out the feeling of her clothes under my fingertips. The lack of these minute details and the perfection of her only speaks to the dream around me. I'm sure if I lost my concentration, my hands would fall right through her. "Where are you?" I repeat my question. She turns her head, pressing her lips to my wrist. "Please, baby. Help me find you."
"Wake up, Xavier." It's the first thing she says, her voice as soft as she feels. I shake my head. I don't want to wake up. Not now.
"Tell me how to find you."
"Wake up," she repeats, squeezing my arm. Her free hand finds my own cheek. She raises herself to her toes, pressing her lips to my jaw. "Wake up."
The sun shines brightly in the cold winter sky. And she's gone.
I push myself up, my hands sinking into the cold moist ground. The waterfall sounds just like it did in my dream, the air smells the same. Only she's not here. I can still feel her lips on my jaw, her hands on my wrists. My hand rises towards that spot on my jaw. There's almost sparks, it feels.
'Celeste,' I try. I have to try. 'Where are you?' Of course there's no response. There hasn't been for almost two weeks now. Two grueling weeks.
I run a hand over my face, my eyes stinging. Looking at the sun, I see I've slept for no more than an hour. That's the most sleep I've gotten in days, only previously having gotten more when I succumbed to exhaustion one night outside her old room.
Making my way up, I force myself to walk back to the pack house. Before opening the back door, I can't help but look out towards the training grounds. She was here until she wasn't. Until they ripped her from me and that fact kills me. More and more, every day it seems.
"Alpha Xavier?" Hannah Cross's voice drifts from the kitchen door as I stumble my way towards the stairs. "Can I make you a coffee?" She looks me up and down, shifting on her feet. My shoulders rise a bit from their slumped position as I shake my head. She nods and slinks back into the kitchen.
"Xavier," a voice whispers from the top of the stairs. Her voice. My head snaps so fast, I feel my neck strain. I wince, bringing a hand to rub at the stretched muscles. No one is there. I sigh and continue my walk up.
My hand only rests on my doorknob for a moment before I stop, turning to her old room. I twist the door knob but don't open the door. The amount of times I've gone to open this door and can't get myself to. The amount of times I couldn't even open my own door anymore. When I do try to sleep, I do so in a guest room. Sometimes, in my office, but even that's hard. Recollections of how she would study on the couch there would surface. I'd imagine her staring at me as she ignored the textbook in front of her. I'd imagine how every now and then she would get up and ask me about something she read. Sometimes, I could tell she already knew the answer. I would explain but wrap an arm around her, pulling her to me. I'd imagine the first time I touched her intimately on my desk. The smell of her. The sounds she made. The way she was fucking there, in my fucking hold.
The door opens, seemingly without much effort on my part. Her scent surrounds me and I bite back the eye-stinging, heart-clenching reaction. My eyes drift around the room. She hadn't been sleeping in here for some time before. . . Ever since her heat, she's stayed with me and because of that, her scent wasn't as strong as it usually is. I still inhaled deeply. Walking slowly into the room, I was worried about breaking some code with the universe. Going into her closet, I see maybe two thirds of her small collection of clothes. She never really asked for more but if she did, I would happily buy her a whole store's worth. Several of my own shirts are also hung up. I find a small chuckle escaping me. I guess these were the ones she had determined to be hers now as I hadn't seen them in months.
Another flash in the corner of my vision. I spin towards it. Nothing. An all too familiar giggle comes from the main room. I find myself chasing it, a running start in my steps. But, of course, she's not really there. I rub my eyes; they're burning now.
When the blurriness fades from my eyes, I catch sight of a green book on her nightstand. Her journal. Several times she's brought it into our shared room and written in it while she laid against my side. I haven't the slightest clue when it ended up back in here but I don't put it beyond her. She occasionally retreated here for privacy or focus.
The bed creaks as I sit down. I dared to pick up the journal; the felt-like material was slightly soft beneath my fingers. I ran my fingertips over the carefully carved out design. A feeling of frustration filled me as I traced over the moon. I know I shouldn't but a part of me blames the Goddess for all the ills in my life. For the bad Celeste has endured. For the fact that she was taken from me on my very lands. I know. I know she truly gifted me my little love but I just don't understand why she would let her be ripped away. On the opposite side of my feelings, my heart fluttered as I traced over the stars, recalling the first time I kissed her. How soft her lips were. How I had to dip down and she stood practically on her toes to reach me.
Picking up the leather cord, I hesitated. Opening it felt like admitting defeat. It felt unkind too, an invasion of her privacy. She never showed me anything she wrote and I never asked her to. I sighed and placed the journal back down.
Her giggle sounds again behind me. I don't bother to turn this time.
I hesitate to leave the room but I can't stand to be surrounded by her any longer. Not when she's not really here. Not when I have no clue where she is or how she is. I know she is. Nothing in my soul says she's gone but everything in my mind says she's not okay. And that breaks me. The door slams shut behind me.
I go to my office. It's in a disarray. Papers are scattered about. A list of numbers to call where every number is crossed off sits on one side. No one has any clue about where the rogues may be hiding.
"Xavier," her voice floats to me.
"Stop it," I mutter.
"Xavier," she repeats.
"Stop!" Papers scatter as my hands slam on my desk.
The door creaks. "Alpha?" Jared peaks around the door, one foot in one foot out. "Are you okay?" I didn't respond, gripping the edges of my desk until I hear a crack. From the desk or from my hands, I am uncertain. Jared steps fully into my office, glancing around. "Who are you talking to?"
Her giggle sounds again, near the couch she always sits on. I look it over, as if doing so will bring her to me. She would appear, a textbook or small work of fiction in her hands. And all would be well again.
"Xavier. . ." There's a caution in his voice. "You don't look too well. Are you feeling okay?"
"I'm fine," I say too harshly for my inquiring friend.
"Um, I have a report from Josh." It's only then that I notice the small stack of papers in his hand.
"He couldn't give this to me himself?"
He shuffles awkwardly on his feet. "Well, you haven't exactly been the easiest to be around lately." I scoff. "I'm only telling this to you as a friend. I understand why but maybe-"
"Hand it over." I hold out my hand. He places the stack in my hold. My eyes scan over the pages. Several of the rogue groups disappeared mid track. A few others joined together and were lost amongst the mountains. "Fuck," I mutter, chucking the papers down to join the cluster on my desk.
Her giggle sounds again.
"Stop It!" My yell is aimed in the direction of the couch. Jared glances over to it before looking back at me. There's worry written upon his face.
"Xavier." My gaze snaps back towards him, my eyes wide. "You need to get some sleep."
"Don't tell me what I need, Jared."
"I'm your closest friend and I will tell you anything I damn well please." My nostrils flare. I open my mouth. To yell at him? To tell him to leave? I'm unsure. "When was the last time you slept?"
"Earl-"
"Slept a whole night? A full rest?" I look away. I don't know. I've lost track of that.
"I'll sleep when Celeste is found."
"You'll never find her in this state, Xavier," he lectures. "You're snapping at the pack members, at your friends. Your office is a mess. Can you even tell me what's where?" I roll my eyes. Her fucking giggle and a whisper of my name. I glare at the couch. Jared looks over. "No one's there, Xavier! What are you seeing? What are you hearing? Because it's all in your head."
"Jared-"
"This isn't you! You're not messy! You're not harsh!"
"My mate is missing, Jared."
"And that's awful. I'm sorry. I really am. Celeste is a sweet girl and neither of you deserve this."
"Jared-"
"It's a shit situation."
"I can't-"
"Xavier, my mate is dying." My eyes widen. "Right in front of me, Katherine is dying."
"I thought the treatments are working?"
"The treatments seem to just be prolonging the inevitable."
"Jared. . ." My oldest friend in this universe holds a weight on his shoulders I'm only just now truly seeing. I knew of some of it but. . . Katherine is truly dying? "I'm so sorry."
"We're going to stop the treatments after Christmas. Let Delian and I have one last holiday season with her."
"I-" What does one say to such a thing? How does one console their best friend whose other half is dying? Whose soulmate will fade into the after?
He wipes a stubborn tear from his eye. "I will know what it's like to lose a mate. To lose the mother to my child." His gaze turns to me, a building fire in his eyes. "And you sit here as if you've already lost yours."
"I don't."
"You do! You've lost your hope! I can see it in the mess on your desk and the look in your eyes."
"I don't need hope; I need-"
"To get your shit together." He strolls over to my desk, starting to collect all the papers into one pile. "Get your shit together. Get some sleep. Hell, take a shower; you fucking smell." I roll my eyes, a smile threatening at the corner of my lips. "Stop being a jackass and put in more focus. There's something we're not seeing and you're going to be the one to find it."
A giggle sounds from the corner of the room again and this time, when I look over, I can see her almost as clear as day. She gives me a smile.