TW: Domestic violence
Nefretiri
Smack!
The slap echoes in my ears before the pain registers.
It's brutal, making me fall face down to the ground, a bruise already forming on my cheek. Sadly, that's not the end. Three of my ribs crack as he kicks me, venting all his anger out for something I didn't do. It's impossible to breathe, each attempt coming out as a harsh wheeze, intensifying the burning sensation. That only angers him more.
Out of instinct, I curl into a ball, my back exposed to him, which is a mistake. Somehow, I manage not to scream as he attacks me again, refusing to give him the satisfaction. It's out of pride because I've got nothing else. Letting him win would be easier, but nothing will be left of me if I stop fighting. I can't let that happen.
Gods, was this my life?
Did I deserve this? I don't know anymore. At one point, I thought the answer was no, but now I'm not so sure. No matter how many times I think about this, I can't come up with a valid reason for the abuse, and none of his excuses make sense. So, why do I stay?
The chaos wakes the baby, but I can't do anything about it.
She's safe in her bassinet. Ricky won't look at her as long as she's not in my arms. He hasn't even held her once since we came home three days ago, and I swear he hates her. It makes no sense! She's his child, but he doesn't seem to care.
"How many times have I told you? You're not allowed to be asleep in the day!" All I'd done was take a nap, but he was treating it like I was having an affair. "Are you stupid or deaf? You think I enjoy this? I don't want to work all fucking day and come home to do your job! I don't want to beat you to get you to do the right thing!"
It's easier not to say anything.
Nothing I say will make a difference. Silence saves me from saying something that'll make it worse. There's so much I want to tell him, but I can't. The best thing is to look terrified, even as my heart's cursing him. At this point, I'm just angry.
"Answer me, Diana! Do you think I'll go easy on you?" He pulls me up by my hair, making it impossible to escape. "Clean every inch of this house before I get back. This isn't a joke this time. You don't want to see what I'll do if it's not done. I have no problem replacing you! Understood?""Yes!" Tears fall, blurring his face as he forces me to look at him, but they're not from pain or fear."Good, don't bother with food. I'll eat out." Letting me go, he lets me fall again, kicking my leg so hard I see white lights as a final warning. "Oh, one more thing. Don't get any ideas. I'm locking the door from the outside with the key code. So, if you want to leave, swallow your tongue."
The threat lingers in the air as he walks away, his footsteps heavy, as if he were reminding me that every part of him could hurt me.
I didn't move, not until I heard the security lock. It would be a mistake to move until I was sure he wasn't coming back. Getting up was a challenge to his dominance, and he might think my lesson wasn't harsh enough. So, I waited until I heard the engine roar, and the car pulled out of the driveway, grateful he'd left. This man was supposed to love me for the rest of my life, but I was praying he would stay away forever.
All I feel is shame.
He played me, and I fell for it. There was no way he loved me. How could he do it when he didn't love his own child? I'd fallen for lies and eyes I'd thought were kind and adoring. Shame they were a mask for hatred and cruelty.
"It's okay, Pen-Pen. Mommy's here. We're okay," Somehow, I got myself up and dragged my injured body to the bassinet.
Penelope screamed, her fists shaking and her face the color of a ripe tomato. You wouldn't think someone so small could make such a loud sound, but my daughter was born with a set of lungs. It's impressive until she opens her eyes and leaves you floored. Dark ocean blue changes into deep forest green, which glows as they stares into your soul. Yet, I don't flinch.
"Don't let your dad see that, or our secret's out."
I have too many secrets, and they're surrounding me.
Magic is real, but it's not something I can share with anyone, especially Ricky. Everyone thinks it's about wands, magic schools, and flashy lights, but to me, it's life and death. The darkness under the house is proof of that, but it's not something I'm willing to dwell on. So I rock my baby, hoping it's enough to soothe her. We can't afford for him to know, so I need to teach her to hide it soon.
"There we go." After a few minutes, Penelope finally closes her eyes, the energy draining her. She'll sleep for hours, and I'm inclined to let her. "Mommy won't let anything happen to you. I'll keep you safe."
The promise felt hollow, but I meant it. I'll protect my daughter from everything, even her father, no matter what it costs. But first, I need to take care of myself. A broken toy can't help anyone, and I'm afraid to see how bad it is. Hopefully, I can fix it without doing more damage.
Dragging myself to the bathroom, I stare at the woman in the mirror. She's a shadow of who she was, not that she remembers much from that time. Once, I wore makeup to feel pretty; now I wear it to hide bruises and puffy eyes. Some might say I'm pretty, but I don't see it anymore. All I see is swelling and skin that's already turning purple.
"Damn it!" There shouldn't have been any more tears, but I was wrong. Somehow, I'm always wrong.
I want to give up, and the threads that stop me from doing something stupid are breaking.
All I have is Penelope. There's nothing else and no one who cares. The last person I had was my mother, but she's gone. Another of Ricky's cruelties. She died months ago, but he'd taken my phone and didn't bother telling me until she'd been gone for a month. I wasn't allowed to mourn her because he said I didn't need her and she'd abandoned me.
"I can't, I can't, I can't…" People think giving up means ending everything, but there are other ways to do it. Dangerous paths that can destroy you in ways that make death feel like a dream.
My hands move on their own, grabbing the soap and drawing lines and symbols on the mirror, my eyes changing from hazel to silver and gold. I've never known where it comes from; just that Penelope and I have it, and we're classified as sorcerers. It doesn't matter what we are, just as long as it helps, and it does. The swelling shrinks, the bruises fade, and the searing pain eases enough to breathe and stand without trembling. Yet, I wish I hadn't done it.
"Stupid!"
The first rule of magic everyone should know is that there is always a cost.
My stomach growls before tightening, screaming at me like I haven't eaten in weeks. It could've been exhaustion or the need for sex. I could've gotten sick and been in front of the toilet for hours, but hunger is one of the worst symptoms. You're left weak, dissoriented, and all you can think of is food. All you want is relief, but your body doesn't give it to you; it devours itself until you sate it, which is easier said than done.
My body acts on its own as my feet take me to the kitchen and the fridge. I don't even question it as I throw it open, grabbing the first thing I see, Ricky's chocolate cake. It calls to me, and I don't refuse the temptation to rip the seal and shove it piece after piece into my mouth. It's like I'm in a trance, finishing it and going for the gallon of apple juice. There's no time to enjoy it; only consume and feed the beast like it's Famine.
Clarity comes too late as I open my eyes, staring at the carnage.
The juice and cake are gone, except for a few crumbs on my lips and fingers. Sadly, it wasn't enough to curb the hunger—only enough to hold it at bay for a while. The problem now is fixing what I've done. Knowing my luck, Ricky will come home wanting it. If sleeping were a crime, taking his special desserts was one of the seven deadly sins.
"Fuck!" I'd done it now. "Keep it together, Nefretiri. Don't lose it yet."
Another thing he'd taken from me was my name. Diana was my middle name and much easier to say than Nefertiri. Ricky refused to use it, introducing me to everyone as Diana and snapping at me if I corrected him. It was like he was trying to erase Nefretiri and replace her with Diana. Sometimes, it felt like it was working.
'Stupid girl.' My thoughts sing, mocking me like it's another person. 'You've done it now!'
It's not helpful.
I need an answer. The store that sells this cake is an hour's walk. It's three, so I could be there and back in two hours if I hurried, but it's risky. Ricky locked the house. He'll expect me to be here. The hell I'll pay if he finds out I know the codes isn't something I want to think about, but it's better odds than him opening the fridge and finding no cake.
However, my plan has some flaws. One, Ricky took all my money, except for the sixty I hid in my secret jewelry box. Two, I'm weak from the healing spell and the beating, so it might take longer. Three, there's a chance Ricky will see me walking down the street with the stroller. Still, it's a risk I need to take.
Staying home feels like a dead end.
Even though it's the afternoon, the sweltering heat of New Mexico hits us, and I'm glad I chose the thinner long-sleeve blouse. Aztec isn't the place for sweaters, especially in the summer. The heat is dry, and the desert unyielding. Penelope was still asleep in the stroller as I locked the back door, scolding myself for how reckless this was. The heat won't help me move faster, but I'm motivated. My goal is to beat Ricky home.
I can't let him think I've run away, not again.
"Help me," I look up at the sun, I pray to whoever will hear me. The necklace around my neck feels warmer, and I take it as a good omen.
Unfortunately, I was wrong.
My leg's throbbing, razors dancing up and down my calf and shin. It forces me to stop, so I'm wasting time. The only thing drowning out some of the pain is the music playing through my cheap headphones. Sadly, it's not enough, and I nearly fall over, too exhausted to move.
The stroller is the only thing holding me up, but even that's not enough.
It feels like I'm walking forever, my emotions having too much time to stew and pull me down. Thankfully, the parking lot comes into view, and I feel a burst of energy, propelling me forward. The store has air conditioning and drinks. I'll take water from a faucet at this point. It's probably later than I planned, but I need to sit down, even if it's for a few minutes!
I'm so close, and that's when everything goes wrong.
I don't know if it's the exhaustion, the thought of getting cool, or my emotions, but I stop paying attention to where I'm going and slam right into the side of someone's very expensive blue truck, and I think I've dented it.